The lure of one’s own voice

Have you ever been in a situation where someone comes to you with a problem or question, but when you give them advice, they reject it? Later they come back to you with an ear-to-ear smile to share they figured out a solution. And it turns out that the solution they came to was exactly what you suggested! If you have been in such a situation, you have probably felt baffled or even irritated, as why did they reject the solution when you suggested it. I can explain why.

Our behaviour is largely driven by the desire to feel autonomous, competent and connected. All of these things can be acquired but not given to us. Autonomy is the feeling that we are in charge of our life. Life depends on our decisions and choices. The feeling of competence directly feeds into autonomy – we know how to make these life decisions and choices. Connectedness represents our social nature – we want to have someone to share our successes and sorrows with. We want to belong, preferably to a crowd that acknowledges and appreciates both our desire to feel autonomous, competent and connected, and how we act upon them.

Filling these fundamental human needs is related to thinking processes – our mind needs to be able to catch up, before it can accept any inputs from others. When we propose a solution to someone before their mind has worked its way to it, they will reject it, because the path to it has not been paved yet. There is no hook for your offered solution present. Therefore, their rejection of your brilliant proposal is nothing personal. They just need a bit more time and to be walked through their thinking process to the solution.

Funnily our thinking process is often tied to the pace of our speech. When we are working on a solution to a problem, we think in words, we speak to ourselves. So, we usually think only as fast as we are able to articulate the words in our mind or to spell them out. Sometimes we even need to repeat the same thought several times.

The other aspect related to our thinking is that we attach our own voice – the one that is closest and most natural to us – to our thoughts, unless we deliberately turn to someone in our mind and ask “what would dad do?” or “what would Bill do?”. Even if we don’t necessarily consciously like our voice, we are deeply in love with it subconsciously. So, when someone comes to you with a problem that you can easily solve, but they reject your solution, it is because it came too fast and with a wrong voice. To really help the person, withhold your solution and opt for leading them to a solution by asking great questions.

What is a great question?

• A great question will help identify the core of the challenge. It will help the person dig through few outer layers of the situation at hand. The solution to a problem never lies on the same level of thinking that it occurred on, but always a few layers deeper.
• A great question will reveal a different angle of the situation. It will help you change perspective. The more angles you can approach the problem from the more options you will have to solve it.
• A great question provides reassurance in the person’s ability to find a solution. It taps into their confidence, competence and creativity.

By asking great questions you will help them pave their path to the solution, walk them through their thinking process and allow their most beloved voice guide them on this path, as they articulate their thoughts in response to your questions. This way you are not only teaching them to fish instead of giving them a fish, but also feed their innate desire to feel competent, autonomous and connected.

Great leaders ask great questions, even if they have great solutions at hand. This is what building people is about. I invite you to opt for great questions next time someone comes to you with a question or problem. Let your most beloved voice feed your sense of autonomy, competence and connection by asking really great questions, and let the other person’s most beloved voice feed their sense of autonomy, competence and connection through articulating their path to a solution. It will be a win for both of you.

#leadership #coaching #greatquestions #powerfulquestions