Liberating the Leadership Lexicon: "Identity"

There is nothing more precious and important to protect than that unique set of characteristics that identifies a person as themself and no one else.

A person's identity is who they really are. It can be mistaken, and may sometimes be secret, but it should never be denied.

The concept of identity is complex and can involve all kinds of distinctive traits, flaws, qualities, experiences, and interests. In the context of identity politics, identity refers to the cultural, ethnic, gender, racial, religious, sexual, social, and other facets that a person considers as inherent to who they are, especially in relation to their belonging in a particular group or community of similar people.

Identity can involve physical features, such as eye colour or height, but the crime of identity theft usually involves stealing someone’s personal information, not their physical appearance.

Identity's etymological roots are an important guide, coming from the Latin idem, meaning “the same.” Generally speaking, the traits that make up a person’s identity are what keeps them the same under different circumstances. For example, a person doesn’t become a different person just because they dye their hair or use a nickname or lose a limb.

And then we come to sexual identity, and gender identity.

On this special day, I'm very proud (every possible pun intended) to have my son, Artie Ray Heywood Hughes tell his story.

I'm not ignoring other identities with this focus. Rather, I'm taking the opportunity to celebrate this aspect of identity. As Artie's dad, I read what he has written with the deepest sense of love and respect but also with profound feelings of regret and sadness for what he has been through, and the hurdles he has faced.

I also recall the guilt of the mistakes I have made: the accidental dead-naming, the misuse of pronouns, and the occasional failure to speak up on his behalf when I should have done.

Above all, though, it was the most special day when I finally met my child.

I suspect you might find it a challenging read like I did, but please give yourself the next two minutes. You won't regret it.

Congratulations on coming out as straight!

Sounds weird, right?

Why is it the default that straight and cisgender people don’t have to come out?

Today is National Coming Out Day, a day that LGBTQ+ people have a difficult relationship with because of that very reason. There’s so much pressure on us to announce who we are, and until that time, we’re just ‘one of the normal ones’.

Realising I’m not ‘one of the normal ones’ took years, a lot of trial and error with labels, and many more sleepless nights. Google became my best friend. I spent hours googling how I was feeling, and realising there was a whole community of people who felt exactly as I did. I watched hundreds of coming out videos on YouTube, knowing that one day that would be me.

I’ve come out three times in my life, well to my dad at least. Each time it became harder and harder because I became closer and closer to who I really am. I was terrified to tell him because my dad’s approval mattered the most.

How will he react? Will it change the way he sees me? Will he still love me?

Aged 15

I had a girlfriend. No one at school knew and the secret became too big for me to carry. I anxiously walked into my dad’s bedroom. “Dad, I’ve got something to tell you. I think I might be bisexual… I like boys but I think I also like girls”. He smiled softly, “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy”. His face is forever imprinted in my brain. I was so relieved, but something still didn’t feel quite right. My chest loosened, but my brain was still whirling.

I then began to experiment with more masculine clothing. I remember on my first day of sixth form, I wore a grey checkered suit with trousers. My Dad said, “you look so smart”. It was the first time I felt seen. I googled “woman who feels masculine”. Answer: lesbian. I guess it kind of made sense, I liked women, and I loved being masculine. I leaned into that identity for a while, it allowed me to explore my masculinity through the protection of this newfound label.

Aged 19

No girlfriend. This one is a little hazier, I don’t think I did a grand reveal this time. I just started to refer to myself as a lesbian, and it didn’t surprise him because I hadn’t shown verbal interest in or dated men in a long time. I didn’t allow myself to like men because if I did, I wasn’t a lesbian. Then what? I couldn’t give up my masculinity, the only thing that made me truly happy.

At university is where I discovered what true happiness meant. I met two trans men, who changed and saved my life. In what I then thought was my allyship, I sat with them for hours chatting about gender identity, their connection to masculinity and finding inner peace. This was the first time I had met anyone I could relate to on a deep level. I didn’t feel weird when I was with them, I was ‘one of the normal ones’.

Coming to terms with my gender identity was a completely different experience to sexuality. It was painful and peaceful. Hearing a select few people who knew use he/him pronouns for me feel warm inside, but then I would remember that I would have to tell my dad, and I would feel all cold again. He had a son, not a daughter. I wanted to go by Artie now. I needed to be referred to in a masculine way.

Aged 22

Toby Carvery (no that’s not the name of my boyfriend!). Neutral place, in case it didn’t go as planned. I look at him. “Dad, I’m a trans man”. “Okay”. We chatted more and I realised he wasn’t surprised, and it gave him answers as to why I had been dressing like a man. I didn’t hear this at the time because it was such a whirlwind, but when the server collected our plates, he said “My son and I really enjoyed our meal, thank you”.

Finally, I can breathe. My brain isn’t filled with questions anymore, there are answers. As I sit writing this in the garden, with my dog Billy next to me, I realise that I’ve been on such a journey. A journey of unpacking societal expectations and leaning into what makes me most happy.

So, to the straight and cisgender people reading this, who have the privilege of never having to come out, I hope this has given you insight into the struggles LGBTQ+ people face when they come out. Don’t make assumptions about who people are, ask, research and know that we are all normal.

And finally, to my dad, for being the ultimate ally.

So what might this mean to you as a leader?

?? LGBTQ+ people don't just come out once. Every day brings a different set of challenges and connections to be made. Ask what you can do to support them.

?? Transgender people may be taking medication as part of their transition. Find out what you can do to make adjustments for the additional challenges this may bring.

?? In 2022, an estimated 3.3% of the UK population aged 16 and over identified as LGB, with a further 0.3% identifying another sexual orientation. Consider what that might mean for the team that you are in.

?? Homophobia thrives in an atmosphere of silence and ignorance. Don't allow that to happen in your sphere of influence. Educate and be educated.

?? For many, "the closet" remains their safe place. They may desperately want to come out, but are facing fears or pressures that are preventing that step. Be open to that possibility.

Thank you for reading. And, above all, thank you, Artie. I love you very much xxx

#DemystiFri is my end-of-week attempt to release key terms from the leadership lexicon in clear and easy to understand ways that allow you to conquer their use. Please let me know if there's a topic you'd like me to cover.

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