Lucifer's Revenge

( This year marks the 30th anniversary of the publication of, Lucifer's Revenge, in The West Australian. I wrote the story in response to the AIDS epidemic. In 2022 it has become even more topical. Enjoy)

Lucifer’s Revenge?

‘I’m bored,’ said Lucifer, polishing the huge diamond on his little finger, with the tip of his magnificent tail, ‘these modern men and women are painfully boring. What shall we do about it?’

He sat leering at the devils of the Grand Satanic Council, trying to discover a scintilla of demonic inspiration in their charred eyes. They were all there, all thirteen of them: Beelzebub, Asmadai, Ronwe, Mammon, Xaphan, Nisroch, Azazel, Ariel, Moloch, Adramalech, Arioch, Ramiel and Crino. Faces he suffered from time immemorial.

Azazel drew hard on a hand-rolled cigarette, not caring about the fact that the paper had stuck to the ulcer on his lip. It was an affectation, a display of machismo. Lucifer cringed. It had come to this. One had to suffer not only dullards, but pathetic poseurs as well.

‘I’m utterly, tragically, hopelessly bored,’ he concluded with a sigh that blew an icy wind down the spine of all the demons.?

What now? They thought. Lucifer’s self-dejection would not last. His mood, they knew, could swiftly change to one of merciless cruelty. (Like that time he gave Arioch – out of rancour?- the job of tempting that tedious Mother Teresa to acquire a diamond necklace for herself). And all because of his boredom. It was, together with his vanity, his great weakness. Finding new ways to relieve Lucifer’s boredom was constant headache for everyone.

‘That was a wonderful way of expressing your tragedy,’ declaimed toad-faced Asmadai. It was feeble attempt at diversion, bland and pathetic. Lucifer realized it, but appreciated the gesture all the same, even if it was spoilt by young Crino’s irritating twitter as he shared a private joke with Azazel.

How he regretted ever promoting that little fop to a permanent seat in the Grand Satanic Council! Of course, had he been in a better frame of mind, Lucifer would have remembered that, not long ago, he had taken more than a passing interest?in Crino’s blueberry lips and the fox-like ears that frisked at the mere suggestion of…never mind. Then he had even tolerated the young demon’s extravagant forays. Like the time he had dyed his fur, all the way down his spine, celestial pink!

‘It’s true,’ agreed Beelzebub, ‘These modern humans are a great bore, a real let down. Whatever happened to the Attilas and the Neros, the Ivans and the Sades of yesteryear? There is only one thing that will fix matters,’ and the indolent eyes of Beelzebub suddenly shone with the polish of the gourmand before a freshly laid out table, ‘what you really want is a war. I mean a real war. Not these pathetic skirmishes you've been giving them lately.’

Lucifer fumed. The 'you' of direct accusation had not escaped him. Could that imbecile of a demon still be thinking of toppling him?

‘A war ! ‘ cried Crino, ‘how unsubtle.’

Lucifer had to agree, Among that hopeless, diabolic crew, Crino was the only one with any taste. Pity he should waste it on frivolous self?indulgences and with Azazel, of all the demons!

‘You're quite right Beelzebub,’ said Lucifer, tugging at the lobe of his left ear , where a sudden rush of contempt for his off-sider had concentrated, ‘I can't think of anything more boring than these modern wars. Nowadays it's wham, bang, puff and it's gone. No passion, no suffering, no heroism. La grande passion’, he enunciated, turning the French like a man savouring the first ?peaches of the season, ‘Oh, if only they brought back French! It set a tone all of its own for civilized discussion. This awful English has usurped language,of all feeling.’

‘Of course, we all know that's a direct result of American imperialism,’ put in Xaphan the Philosopher Demon whose speciality was cause and effect.

The very mention of Americans got Lucifer's tail up.

‘Ah, don't you talk to me about those uncouth Americans! Don't! In a matter of a few years, they have managed to destroy what little trace of style remained on earth. In place of civilization, they have introduced that awful pestilence they call American pop culture.’

Nobody quite understood the connection with American pop culture; although everyone agreed it was there.

?‘A pestilence, yeah let's give them an epidemic,’ enthused Asmadai, thinking that it would endear him to Satan.

‘You're quite right about that,’ started owl?faced Xaphan again ‘what's missing in all this is guilt. The creatures have simply been allowed to get away with murder without feeling an ounce of guilt. People get murdered all the time of course, but never out of personal rancour ... or envy...’

‘.... Or jealousy,’ insinuated Azazel, daring to glance towards The Master.

Lucifer could have struck down the impertinent demon…but,?noblesse oblige, particularly in the public eye.

‘…Or bitterness, or hate. There is no personal involvement almost. Just a mechanical action, without cause, without effect. Therefore what we need ask ourselves is why? Why is there no passion? Think about it fellow demons.’

‘Give 'em a good ole war,’ insisted Beelzebub for no other reason than the fact that thinking gave him a headache. Xaphan proceeded.

‘Clearly, in each case the answer has to be fear.’

‘Fear ?’ called someone .

‘Fear, fear, fear ‘ came ponderous the voice of Xaphan, ‘We've given them so much, so many toys that is, that ... well, they really believe that they are masters of their own destiny now.’

‘Bull, argued that insufferable slob Azazel who fancied himself as something of a barefoot philosopher,’ I don't claim to be a great philosopher but I know one thing, we gave them the bomb, and that’s put more fear in them than any threat of hell.’

‘Well-spoken Aze !’ cried Crino with more enthusiasm than the occasion warranted. And to make matters worse Azazel turned his coal?fire eyes on him, smiled in a very private way and, said ‘thank you Crino,’ and took a particularly vigorous draw on his hand?rolled cigarette.

Lucifer was livid, though of course his lineage and position prevented him from showing it. So that was it? The two were siding against him! It piqued his 'amour?propre’ that anyone whom he had honoured with his attentions should now start a liaison with that revolting ram?faced poseur, Azazel. And then there was the question of power.

Crino was sly, intelligent and ambitious. His promotion to 'The Council' had caught everyone by surprise except Lucifer himself of course. (But now, in retrospect, he wondered whether he had allowed his heart dull his reason) The young demon's influence was on the rise too, everyone knew of his outstanding success in drawing to himself an ever?increasing number of young souls. Add to that, the growing wave of tramps, the destitute and social outcasts who gravitated to Azazel, and you had a formidable force that could prove to be irksome to Lucifer.

‘To return to our point, or rather the point made by Xaphan,’ and here Lucifer allowed the philosopher a very faint but unmistakable smile, ‘it was well made. Fear is certainly the issue, though Xaphan has not qualified the kind of fear he means, which he most surely would have done, had he been given the opportunity to.’

And here Lucifer's furrowed brow wide?swept the large hall, ‘Xaphan, you have my permission to proceed.’

‘Yes, that's so . The only effective fear is fear of the unknown. The bomb is no mystery. For all its potential destructiveness it does not compare with the intense, private terror of a good old?fashioned ghost for instance. The bomb, in my view, was a grave mistake because it has put their destiny to some extent in their hands. Or at least, so they believe, which amounts to the same thing.’

‘In that case give 'em a good old earthquake or something,’ said Beelzebub who liked simple, quick solutions.

‘Hm, yeeees ! ‘ continued Xaphan ‘ that's definitely better than a war, but it lacks the element of motive . You see, you give them a motive that they can instantly recognise (and that's not so easy as it used to be in these days of scepticism ) and guilt will germinate. Fear and guilt now there's a powerful combination for you.’

?‘I know , I know Xaphan,’ said Lucifer in a voice that was almost too undignified for a demon of his exalted rank. Those two had put him in a foul mood. ‘When you think of the marvellous dramas, we were able to enjoy over the eating of an apple, the exquisite turmoil, the ingenious repercussions that spanned the centuries.... Now they'll murder a neighbour, betray their friend and disown their daughters and they don't even care.’

‘Worse still, they don't even know they've done it,’ said Xaphan, ‘the fact is that in our efforts to extend our power we have convinced them that there is no such thing as sin. They have come to us in hordes, but the price we paid is that they are no longer afraid of us, or even believe in us. We, fellow Demons, have become irrelevant to humans.’

?There was silence around the Great Satanic Hall. Xaphan proceeded to fill it with more solid words of wisdom.

?‘Our problem is, how do we get back to that wonderful age when men and women knew how to suffer? When they were at the mercy of their suffering, and our power.’

‘Just give me the Dark Ages,’ lamented nostalgically Lucifer,’ the gorgeously ascetic days of Medieval Man, the delicious excesses of the Inquisition. I want men and women to be conscious of sin. In our efforts to make them commit sin without compunction we have destroyed it. We have wrecked the quality of life, theirs and ours. Above all we have turned existence into a great bore. That is unforgivable.’

?‘Really, I don't know what all the fuss is about,’ put in Crino curtly ‘who cares????about what humans do anyway?’

?Lucifer was too shrewd to be drawn directly into the fray with a junior subordinate. He scanned the table and set his gaze on stupid, toad?faced Asmadai, who promptly obliged.

?‘Lucifer, our mighty and beloved father is bored with them,’ croaked he, ‘what more needs be said?’

?And here Crino did something quite insolent He flashed a cheerful glance towards Azazel and said, ‘I'm not bored, are you Azzie?’

?Azazel gave a mocking cough and drew a powerful puff on his cigarette. Crino giggled back. Lucifer observed and let it pass for the present. But all the members of the Council except those two imprudents, whose judgement was surely impaired by the fact that their tails were entwined behind the chair, knew that Lucifer was not one to forget an insult.

?‘Clearly, ‘ said he reverting brusquely to the royal plural, as his fur changed hue from red to livid purple, ‘we have an unresolved dilemma on our hands. We will give the matter some thought, then take a decision at a later date.’

?That evening Satan gave a spectacular party attended by all the illuminati, glitterati, literati of the Underworld. He made his entrance in grand fashion ?as always ? advancing majestically on a throne of white gold encrusted with diamonds, rubies and pearls; lapis lazuli blue as an Arabian night, vermillion garnets and countless other rare gemstones. He was carried by four powerful eunuchs and four majestic amazons wearing stoles of orange and saffron. Behind him followed a retinue of concubines of many races, of sprites and demons with heads of beasts, of belly dancers with snake bodies, Sumo wrestlers with hanging flab, dwarfs that somersaulted their way into the great hall, and much more.

?Next to Lucifer sat a splendid Egyptian girl,?tall and statuesque, whose mantle opened on the stupendous landscape of her body. About her neck a magnificent rebus pectoral slung down over the hills of her breasts capped by fresh ebony tips.

?As for Lucifer himself ... words struggle to describe his magnificence, imagination may do it more justice. So be it. But let us at least mention his splendid tail, whose status in the underworld cannot be overestimated. It stood supine up his spine, stockinged in a cloth of?gold lace, ringed with jewels of glittering colours all the way up towards the tip, where the fur opened up like a flower from its stem of gold, and curled fluffy and triumphant over Lucifer’s proud head. It was just like old times.

?The entertainment was first class too. After the black theatre, the wrestlers and the perfunctory orgies, the very popular Marquis de Sade gave a powerful reading of Poe's 'The Pit and The Pendulum'. But the best, as usual, came last.

?Lucifer's palace stood on top of a hill that looked down on the deep Valley of Forbidden Love. At precisely midnight, Lucifer ? ever the great romantic ? gave the order that the curtains be drawn and through the grand terrace that overlooked the valley appeared myriad scenes of courting, agonizing, delirious lovers whose love was destined never to be sated. The length and breadth of the valley from one sheer wall to the other echoed to rapturous screams of promises, of accusations and recriminations, to wrench the heart of the most insensitive demon.

?The climax came when a notorious pair of pigeon lovers: Paolo and Francesca, gave an ethereal display of love dance right below the terrace. They mixed slow gliding motion with sudden pirouettes; gentle air?loops with head?spinning twirls; all backed by precisely modulated wing?flaps and sensual dove?cooing. The performance expressed exquisitely all the tragedy and the poignancy of more than seven centuries of unsated love. And when the star?crossed lovers finally vanished down the black valley in a flapper of wings, there was not one dry eye among the demons.

?As everyone finally recovered from this sublime catharsis, Lucifer gave orders for all the demons to assemble in the, Great Hall for an announcement. In the dreary council sittings debilitated by boredom, he had felt ill at ease and vulnerable. Here amid the pomp and spectacle, he was in a class of his own.

?‘Fellow Demons, I have considered, much considered, the questions raised at today's Grand Council meeting. We all agreed that lack of emotional stimulus is the great malaise of contemporary mortals. The question is, what to do about it?

?‘Three options were offered. First, the natural calamity, be it earthquake, flood or fire. While I agree that the prospect of, say, a Mexico City disappearing in the gaping mouth of a vortex would indeed make a vision splendid; almost too splendid to resist ...?Here the assembly erupted in a long applause of approval.

?‘As would ‘ continued Lucifer on the same vein savouring his own success, ‘ as would: Los Angeles devoured by fire, or Naples inundated by spluttering Vesuvius…’?renewed applause, as all demons, who lacked no imagination in these things, visualised one-and-a-half million demonstrative Neapolitans in a paroxysm of terror.

?‘But all these temptations I have resisted because they do not constitute real solutions but brief indulgences. Humans forget all too soon (it's an irritating trait of theirs) and soon we would have the same problem on our hands.

?‘On the subject of war, I share the opinions eloquently aired by our eminent philosopher Xaphan. No, what we want is something long?lasting, limited in impact, but widespread in range; and it must be seen as originating from us.’

?Cries of 'hear, hear' echoed through the hall.

?‘That leaves us with an epidemic, as suggested by one of our most senior and incisive members of the Grand Satanic Council: Asmadai. I need not remind you, fellow demons, of the successes we have enjoyed in the past whenever we adopted similar methods. Think of the Black Death and its repercussions of fear, suspicion, guilt and destruction.’

?The demons twittered as they nostalgically re?lived?those exciting times.

?‘You will appreciate that this is a most important mission, one which requires both delicacy and great competence.’

At this point Lucifer turned to Crino.

‘Come forward Crino’.

Crino was about to protest, but Lucifer is not called The Great Schemer for nothing.

?‘Don't Crino, no need to express your gratitude. We, in our wisdom, have chosen you, over and above a host of deserving demons, because we know you will do justice to this unique undertaking. Go to, and do us proud. And... do take your time. We shall be pleased to recall you at our leisure.’

?Uproarious applause, after which Crino was left no choice but to pack his bags with the lethal alchemy especially prepared by Adramalech, the demon chemist.

?Then, early that morning, Crino set off (still suffering from a hang?over) to go and spread the virus among humans, as a grim reminder that it was their duty to relieve Lucifer of the heavy pack of his boredom.