Low Libido Was Never A Problem

When I started conceptualizing Sexuality Without Shame, a lot of people would joke that I was going to tell everyone they should have a lot of sex and how I was going to be extolling the joys of orgasms and how we should all be out in the streets fucking everybody. But in reality I always knew that the goal was never going to be to tell people they should have more sex. The goal was NOT to tell everyone to go out and have sex with a lot of people. I wanted to be sure that asexuality and low libido were included in these conversations about sex and sexuality. Because all too often the goal of sex coaching is to have more sex, but NOT having sex is perfectly ok too. And ridding oneself of sexual shame also includes letting go of the narrative that frequent sex, kinky sex, or constantly mind-blowing sex is the only right way to be sexual person. ?Because guess what? I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. The only “right” way to have sex is whatever is right for you and your partner(s). ?

Rather than being yet another coach who swears to teach the 10-steps to an orgasm, my goal was to meet women on the ground floor and try to reach those who are still so uncomfortable with sex that even saying “orgasm” might make them uncomfortable. That person is probably not going to jump straight to the sex coach who will teach them how to be a sex kitten. I knew I wanted to help women and femmes get comfortable with sex, figure out how they really feel about sex, and discover the sex they want to be having. ?I wanted to help my clients create their own sexual narratives and teach them to stop listening to what others have to say and start listening to themselves. What feels right for you? What sex do you think is worth having? What do you think is the right amount of sex to have? There is no right or wrong answer to these questions. What matters to me is that we open a dialogue about it, so you can come up with your own answers and discover what is true and right for you. What is important is how you feel about the sex you are having.

I was recently having a conversation with someone who was worrying about not feeling as sexual and not having the same sex drive as they used to. They were really freaked out and wondering what this meant for their relationship and talking about how they had tried “everything”, and they must need a doctor, and MAN. The shame spiral was real. I sat and listened and tried to bite my tongue. Because while she had “tried everything,” when I asked her if she had tried just being ok with not wanting sex, and also just… not having it, without the shame. Without the worry. WITHOUT THE PRESSURE. She looked at me like I was crazy. But here is the thing. Fluctuations in your libido are totally normal!? And more often than not, it actually isn’t hormonal changes or something physically “wrong” that requires a visit to the doctor. Usually, it’s just simply that life happens.

There was a study done by Lori Brotto and her colleagues (and if anyone wants the details, I’ll find it) looking at predictors of low desire in women. It compared 6 hormonal factors to determine which, if any, predicted low desire in women. Guess what? None of them did. At least not in a way that was statistically significant. However, guess what was predictive of low desire? Developmental history, psychiatric history, and psychosexual history. In other words, LIFE! Stress, anxiety, boredom, relationship satisfaction, life satisfaction. It wasn’t hormonal, it was life. And stress! And when someone becomes stressed about not wanting to have sex, that only increases their general stress and that leads to a further decrease in desire. It is a snake eating its own tail.

Low desire, asexuality, low libido, are all valid and real reasons to not want sex and most importantly, I want you to know, it is nothing to be ashamed of. As Jan Wise said, “We live in a country where people are really obsessed with sex and also very hung up on it.” Somewhere along the way society decided that to be sexually fulfilled you must be having A LOT of sex, but really, you can be completely fulfilled without it. If that is truly what you and your partner(s) want, then no sex is what is right for you and your partner(s). The goal is not to have more sex, the goal is to get comfortable with your sexual self, and to discover who you truly are as a sexual person. And that true self may be someone who wants a lot of sex. But they also may not be. And that is ok. Because the only right sex is what is right for you.? Because you could be having a lot of mediocre sex and not be fulfilled. Or you could have sex once every other year, but it is amazing and reaffirms your connection with your partner(s), and leaves you so fulfilled that you don’t care that it doesn’t happen again for two years. Me, personally? I’ll take that one really good one, rather than a lot of bad.

This is what I want to really talk about and explore with my clients. Take the pressure off the amount of sex, take the pressure off to become a sex goddess, and just focus on you. Who are you as a sexual person? What makes you feel good? What is it about sex that makes you want more? What is it about sex that makes you want less? Because there is no shame in wanting a lot, and there is no shame in wanting none. To be a real sex-positive educator, I think we need to start talking more about how no sex is also a valid way to feel fulfilled.

So. Give yourself permission to not want sex. Without judgement. Because just as it isn’t shameful to want a lot of sex, it isn’t shameful to want zero sex. The only thing that matters is how you feel about it. And I hope you find joy, confidence, and empowerment in whatever you choose. If you want to talk about it more – then hit me up! I would love to chat. You can find my calendar to sign-up for a free 30 minute consultation HERE.

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