Low Demand Parenting: Not Low Expectation

How Low Demand Parenting Empowers Children with PDA

On a quiet Tuesday afternoon, Sarah Thompson watches her son, Alex, meticulously assemble a complex Lego structure in their sunlit living room. At first glance, it's a typical family scene. But for Sarah, every moment of Alex's engagement is a hard-won victory. Alex, an 11-year-old with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), interacts with the world in a way that challenges conventional parenting norms.

"I used to think that lowering demands meant lowering expectations," Sarah reflects. "But I've learned that it's about providing the right environment for Alex to thrive."

The Misconception of Low Demand Equals Low Expectation

PDA is a profile on the autism spectrum characterized by an extreme avoidance of everyday demands and an anxiety-driven need for control. Traditional high-demand parenting approaches often clash with the needs of children like Alex, leading to frustration and misunderstanding.

Many parents adopt low demand parenting to reduce anxiety triggers, but a common misconception persists: that this approach diminishes expectations for the child's development and achievements. In reality, when executed thoughtfully, low demand parenting can unlock a child's potential by aligning support with their unique needs.

A Personal Journey from Struggle to Empowerment

I understand this dynamic not just professionally but personally. As a former high school dropout, the demands of a traditional educational environment were overwhelming for me. It wasn't until I entered university—a setting where I had more control over my environment and could pursue my special interests—that I began to excel. The autonomy and flexibility allowed me to thrive academically, eventually earning multiple business degrees.

My journey led me to become a librarian, where I crossed paths with an inspiring mentor named David Howard. He began his career in the military as an air traffic controller—a role demanding precision and calm under pressure. After his service, he pursued undergraduate studies in history, later qualifying as a librarian and moving into leadership roles within universities.

One afternoon, amidst the quiet hum of the library, David shared a philosophy that resonated deeply with me. "It's not my job to be better than you at your role," he said thoughtfully. "My responsibility is to provide you with the resources and support you need to excel."

David's leadership style was transformative. He didn't micromanage; instead, he empowered us by providing the tools and trust necessary to succeed. This approach created an environment where I felt valued and motivated—a stark contrast to the rigidity I experienced in high school.

Inspired by this, I transitioned into occupational therapy, focusing on high-masking autism in children and adults, with a specific interest in PDA. My personal experiences have given me unique insights into how environments tailored to individual needs can unlock potential.

Creating an Empowering Environment

Drawing from both my personal journey and professional expertise, here are strategies that have proven successful in supporting children with PDA:

- Offering Choices Ahead of Time: Just as autonomy helped me in university, children with PDA respond well to having options. Presenting a weekly meal plan with various choices allows them to feel in control, reducing resistance and anxiety.

- Aligning Interests with Goals: Connecting learning to a child's special interests can be highly motivating. For instance, encouraging a child interested in gaming to pursue a course in game design aligns their passion with educational goals.

- Sensory-Friendly Environments: Adjusting the physical space to meet sensory needs is crucial. This might include controlling lighting, reducing noise levels, or providing comfortable seating—creating a setting where the child feels at ease.

- Clarity and Resources for Personal Growth: Providing clear expectations and the resources to achieve them helps children understand what's desired without feeling pressured. Visual schedules or social stories can illustrate routines, while open discussions teach self-advocacy skills.

- Encouraging Self-Advocacy: Empowering children to express their needs fosters independence. Teaching them how to communicate preferences equips them with tools for self-advocacy in various settings.

Maintaining High Expectations Without High Pressure

Low demand parenting is not about lowering expectations but about reshaping how they are communicated and met. By reducing unnecessary pressures, parents create space for children to demonstrate their true capabilities.

Sarah recalls a breakthrough moment with Alex: "When I involved him in planning his day, his anxiety decreased, and he took the initiative in his studies. It wasn't about doing less but about giving him control."

From Personal Experience to Professional Practice

In my occupational therapy practice, I've seen firsthand how these strategies make a difference. Clients who struggled in traditional settings often flourish when their environments are adapted to meet their needs. High-masking individuals, in particular, benefit from approaches that recognize their hidden struggles and strengths.

The Road Ahead

Embracing this parenting approach requires patience and a willingness to adapt. It challenges traditional notions of discipline and achievement but offers a path toward genuine growth and fulfillment for children with PDA.

By fostering environments that prioritize support over control—much like David did in his leadership roles—parents can help their children not only meet but exceed expectations.

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Sarah and Alex are fictional for the pourpose of the article, they represent over 80 autistic and clients I have worked with as a community based Occupational Therapist.

About the Author

Liam is an late diagnosed autistic occupational therapist specialising in high-masking autism in children and adults, with a focus on Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). With a background as a former librarian and multiple business degrees, Liam combines personal experience and professional expertise to advocate for empowering environments that allow individuals with unique needs to thrive.