Loving ‘The Uglies’: The First Step to Overcoming The Imposter

And, potentially saving you from hating yourself and sabotaging your relationships.

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Ever heard of this idea that we ‘project’ our insecurities onto others? I like to think of it as our behaviours shadowing our inner fears and insecurities. And they’re manifesting from your Uglies.

What are The Uglies?

The Uglies, as I refer to it, is part of the wider concept of ourselves; the all-encompassing “The Goods, The Bads and The Uglies.”

The Uglies is that part of us that could be unknown to us, but everyone else sees it around you:

“You’re trying to control me”.

“Stop telling me what to do.”

“You’ve got a problem with authority”.

“You’re trying too hard for people to like you”.

“You’re a control-freak”.

“You’re a perfectionist”.

“You’re obsessed with cleanliness and OCD about everything”.

No. I’m. not.

Am I?

The Uglies are those parts of us that have, over a prolonged period of time, written quite a strong character inside of our inner core. They’ve got personality, shall we say. They’re just now a part of who you; undeniably a side of your identity.

But that doesn’t mean you should hate yourself for it. Beat yourself up and try to be someone else. That’s not helpful to you or the people around you. You’ll end up in what I refer to as ‘masking’ – putting out the behaviours you think other people want to see in you for fear of not meeting their expectations and not receiving the external validation you need.

Gosh, that’s exhausting.

I have my Uglies. And let me tell you - she, they ?- are just horrible at times. I have said out loud, to me: I hate you. Not only because of myself, but as a result of how I can treat my partner. Maybe because we live together and he is with me the most, he is the one who experiences The Uglies out of sheer bad luck. You see, there’s a timing to when these Uglies usually rear their heads.

It’s those days when you wake up and for some unknown reason to anyone ?- you’re in a bad mood, or, your out-of-sorts. Energy is off. Oooof, stay away (please).

Or you’ve experienced what we would refer to as a ‘trigger’. An external event or situation has triggered thoughts, beliefs, feelings and emotions inside of you which has catapulted your emotions into turmoil. The ideal response is to find a personalised strategy to manage your emotions, get it back to a balance inside of you, as quickly as possible.

Ah, shucks.

That never happens.

Well, it can. However, you need to do some serious amount of inner-discovery and thought work to truly take control in these situations by having:

1.????? Personal awareness of the triggers (the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and emotions)

2.????? How it shows up in your body (the rapid heart beat, the sickness dropping into your lower stomach, body-paralysis, loss of voice)

3.????? How it impacts your behaviours (the automated response)

4.????? Strategies and tools ready (to take control and move into preferred state asap)

5.????? Enabling the rise of ‘The Good ‘ – (the other character inside of you who is written in self-love)

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Essentially, what I’m sharing is this idea that your imposter or inner critic is shaped by your Uglies. They’re fuelling the loud voice in your head at the most unhelpful times.

And it’s also true and fair to say that your imposter does chatter at you when you’re experiencing good things in your life: when you receive great feedback (they’ll find out you’re faking it), or when you get promoted (it’s just a matter of time before they know you’re a fraud).

But what you might notice is that the impact on your behaviour is greater or more sabotaging in those most unhelpful moments.

So where to start with The Uglies? How can we all get to the 5-points above and have even a shift of more control and awareness in those situations when we are triggered?

You’ve got to start by accepting The Uglies, along with The Goods and The Bads. And just to share that My Bads are things I see as secondary or less impacts to The Uglies. So, for example, I hate giving up and I like my habits or routines based on holding myself accountable (yes, I MUST swim a minimum of 30 minutes or 24 lengths at the pool.) However, these don’t show up as regularly or cause such detrimental impact as The Uglies. So, a bit of timing and impact assessment… like all things in life, we love a good Box-In-Compartmentalise or Prioritisation exercise...

So back to The Uglies. You have to hold that mirror up and truly look at yourself. Don’t shy away from looking deep and asking yourself,

“What is it I’m afraid of?”

“What is it I feel most insecure about in myself?

You’ll notice these questions will start to unlock something, a noticing. Or perhaps you’re already fully aware of your Uglies. And you’re still battling with them.

Notice them, reach a hand out and just embrace them. Love them, or befriend them! The more you can personify The Uglies, the easier it will be to deal with the behaviours its rearing up.

If you can truly love all parts of yourself, you can loosen the grip of external expectations, the ticking of the checklists and start to deal with this all overbearing need to be something that you truly know is not serving you, or others around you.

I know when My Uglies have arrived at the surface ?- I start to question myself and what I’m doing and that leads me to start questioning poor Scott, my partner. “Why aren’t you doing this or that?”, “Don’t you think you should do that?”, “If you don’t do this or that you’re just taking the easy road,” “You’re not taking responsibility”….

There’s a pattern.

And yes, a lot of good communication is needed after to help me apologise… (! again, I’m just human). Most of us have been there. And it’s also not to say it’s happening a lot for me right now, but it’s a good insight to notice how often you feel your emotions are out of control or heightening and leading you to behave in a way that just doesn’t resonate with your values and your genuine self.

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Let’s all give ourselves a break and take our big dose of courage.

Acknowledge The Uglies.

Embrace and love them.

It takes big balls of courage to face all parts of ourselves, but once you do, and only when you do - then you can start to deal with the imposter voices inside your head.

It’s not real. But you can take back control in your reality.

So to The Almighty in me ?- The Controlling Perfectionist Crazy Woman / Dad voice – I salute you, I love you but I don’t disempower myself to you.

UNLOCK YOUR POWER OF COURAGE:

START YOUR JOURNEY TO A MORE COURAGEOUS, CONFIDENT AND GENUINE VERSION OF YOU.

Let's chat about how I can support you to gain control of your future and unlock that feeling of confidence and empowerment.

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