Loving Our Children (4)

Love and discipline

What are the first words that come to mind when you hear the word ‘discipline’???Some answers I have heard before have included: order, routine, neatness, good behaviour, training, punishment, rules, routines, strictness, procedures.?

Was the word ‘love’ one that came to your mind???God’s word inextricably links discipline with love.??

My son,?do not despise the?Lord’s discipline,??and do not resent his rebuke,?because the?Lord?disciplines those he loves,??as a father the son he delights in (Proverbs 3:11-12)

Why is the desire to discipline our children a natural outgrowth of our love for them???It is because we want the best for our children and, left undisciplined, our children are likely to derail themselves.??In contrast, a child who is disciplined will enjoy all of the blessings that God intended for him or her and will also be a blessing to others.??If we as parents truly love our children, then we should not neglect to discipline them.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace?for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.?(Proverbs 22:6)

What is discipline?

We can think of disciplining children?as?helping them grow in inward attitudes and outward behaviours which agree and accord with God’s word.

Sometimes we focus too much on outward behaviours and neglect what is going on?within?our child.??We should try to help our child develop good and Godly attitudes and values – because what is going on inside will eventually work its way outwards to affect behaviour.

I have hidden your word in my heart?that I might not sin against you.?(Psalm 119:11)

Don’t put the cart before the horse

Although discipline is linked with love,?love must come first.??To be most effective, discipline should be rooted and fixed in love.

If a child is convinced that his parents love him, then he will trust them and know that, even if they are asking him to do something difficult, it will be for his good.

Discipline without a backdrop of love, is likely to misfire because our children will feel that we are just trying to spoil their fun.

Taking responsibility

A child’s behaviour depends a lot on us as parents.??In fact, if our child is undisciplined we should point the accusing finger at?ourselves,?rather than at our child!??

Both?parents?should?play their part in training and disciplining the children.??It should not be left to the father only or the mother only.??

We should not delegate this responsibility to grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings?or?househelps.??School teachers and Sunday School teachers can help,?but the primary responsibility?for discipline?lies with?a?child’s parents.

Far more than punishment

Punishment is a small part of disciplining our children.??Before we get to punishment, we need to do all we can to help our child behave well.??This includes:

o???Communicating our love to our children

When children know that we love them and want the best for them, this motivates them to?please us.??Furthermore, their emotional tanks are full, and they are better able to respond well to challenging situations which might otherwise cause them to behave badly.

o???Letting our children know what is expected of them

Our plumbline is God’s word so multiply the opportunities for your child to hear God’s word and discuss it with them.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path?(Psalm 119:105)

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.??Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.??Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.?(Deuteronomy 11:18 – 21)

o???Agreeing as parents?

We need to agree what boundaries we want to set for our children and what consequences will follow if our children overstep the boundaries.??We should avoid contradicting each other in front of our children, but we should rather present a united front.??This prevents the children from ‘getting away with things’ or ‘playing one parent against the other’.??

o???Modelling the right things

Children learn more from?what we do?than from?what we say!??Are we ourselves behaving as disciples of Jesus? Are we men and women of peace???Are we truthful???Do we ask our children to lie for us? Are we tidy???Do we have good personal hygiene???Are we polite???Are we hard working and reliable???Are we kind???How do we settle conflicts? Do we give bribes in order to jump queues???Do we buy exam papers in order to help our children?cheat?

o???Supervising our children

Children who are left unsupervised can easily get up to mischief or come to harm.

o???Establishing routines

Children are greatly helped by routines (for example, regular bedtimes and mealtimes).??Not only do routines ensure that children get enough sleep and eat regular meals, but they also provide a framework for the day.??This is reassuring for the child and helps the child to know what to expect (and what is expected of him or her) at any time.

o???Rewarding good behaviour

We often fail to reward good behaviour - we only notice when the children do something wrong!??Noticing only wrong behaviour can actually have the effect of making the children behave even more badly. This is because children love to have our attention.??If they work it out that we don’t really notice them when they are behaving well, but they always get our attention when they are naughty, then they will do wrong things just to get our attention.??It is therefore important to acknowledge and reward?good?behaviour.???We can do this by giving verbal praise, a hug, a pat on the back or a little reward.

What about punishment?

I haven’t said anything about punishment on purpose.??Partly because describing how to do it well would require a separate essay, and partly because a lot of punishment would not be necessary if we all did more to help our children behave well.

New Life

Ultimately, our aim is not only to help our child behave well but also to help our child?want?to?behave well.??This means we want them to be motivated from?within?(by their own desires) rather than from without (that is, only able to behave well when they are being watched or?threatened).??

Ultimately, the best thing for?our children?is to receive a new heart, one that is alive to God, and to be filled with the Holy Spirit.??Therefore, we must not neglect to share our faith with our children.??Very young children can come to saving faith and can?become disciples of the Lord Jesus..???