In Loving memory of my Daughter ….

15 years ago my daughter Celine was born on this day early morning. During all my pregnancy I had the creepy feeling , that I was never able to explain to anyone even to my doctor. I used to ask my little baby if she was ok in my womb, since I always felt that she was weak and suffering over there , yet it was just a feeling since the results of all the medical tests during my pregnancy were always good . 9 months and I was suffering in silence and waiting the moment to hold her and hug her and smell her to make her feel safe and warm as I was sure that she was in pain.

September 28th 2004 I was crying hard during labor, not because of physical pain during delivery, yet I was crying because of the pain that was ahead of me and I heard her cry like any new born baby that cries. I held her in my arms tight to make her feel warm and as if I wanted her pain to be projected on me as I could handle more ache like any mother who struggles just to see her child happy , in peace , safe and healthy . Actually I have never thought that the only thing a mother can’t give to her child was health.

After an hour three doctors entered my room at the hospital and elucidated that Celine was not born healthy, she was suffering from tetralogy de fallot!! 

15 years ago smart phone was not available to check what was that “fallot “ thing they were talking about ! They briefed me her case which was very critical and for me with my new born baby was difficult at that moment to understand all the details and procedures to be followed starting that moment . Yet facing this reality was the only choice I had , even though it was tough and ugly .I had to be strong in order to fight for Celine’s health with all my capacity and give her all what I could, even my life if needed to save hers .

I believed that holding her and touching her soft skin and hair was helping her to be in peace . I used to ask her if she was afraid of losing me as much as I was afraid of losing her? Was she suffering from the heartache as much as I was suffering ? Among all the treatment procedure , there was one special thing the Doctor advised me ,which I adored doing that for 31 days .He said I should monitor her 24 hours per day and keep my eye on her and in case her skin color changes, then I need to take her to the hospital on spot. I used to relish and enjoy her beauty by looking at her all those hours , yet the ugly truth was that I didn’t have any promise to see her grow .Every minute was a hazard and all these questions used to hit my brain : “What if I lose her now ? For how long she will survive? Will I see her growing up ? Will I play with her and read stories as I have done to my son? Will we play altogether? Will she …. ? Will we…? I didn’t have any answer for all the questions crossing my head .So many questions with no answers !

October 28th 2004 while I was looking to my little baby girl I felt her skin color was turning into blue , I asked my mother , who was next to me all the time, if she was noticing any change on her ,and deep down I wanted her to tell me that she was ok and looking good , but the truth was that Celine was not ok . We immediately took her to the hospital where the doctor decided immediately to proceed with the operation .

I talked to the doctor with frozen tears in my eyes , holding them and forcing them to stay in my eyes without letting them fall  , and asked him what was the risk and what about the results and what about after …? What he told me was so clear –“ I can assure you 90% that she will survive during the operation that will last 8 to 10 hrs , yet after the operation for 48hrs I have no idea how her body will adapt and react dear “ and he put his hand on my shoulder as if he was trying to make me feel calm.

8 to 10 hrs and then 48hrs …soooo long , but again I had to be braver than I was to fight for my little girl, holding a tiny hope in my heart to hold her back tight and kiss her beautiful blue cheeks .

An hour and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight and nine and ten .. My heart was beating with hers as if the doctors were doing the operation to my heart …. Until the operation room door opened and I saw her ! Actually I was not able to see her among all the medical equipment she was surrounded by. This particular scene is imprinted in ME …and that was it! I was not allowed to stay with her because she was one month old and needed an isolated room . Yet the nurses and the doctors were really supportive and gave me their direct number to communicate with them anytime during the night. I was calling them every 30 minutes and they were telling me that her state was stable.

October 29th  2004, 5am , I called back the hospital the moment I felt I lost my little baby ,  and in fact her heart had stopped beating but mine continued . The nurse over the phone was shocked when she heard my voice and was confused what to tell me. I was crying since I was sure that it was over!

 Was it the end ? Did she really leave me ? How come? Why ? Tons of questions in my head and again without any answer !

October 29th 2004 , 2pm was the funeral .It was the end and I was going to bury my Celine .

I have faced many challenges and difficulties in my entire life , yet trust me burying my daughter was the ultimate toughness, even if she was only 1 month old , yet the bond between us was extraordinary . My lips kissed her cold and white cheeks for the last time, my tears were flowing on her all over I was holding her dead and cold body as if I could make her feel warm .Very precious and harsh moment in my entire life that is hard to express, and difficult to translate my feelings to words .

Days , weeks , months and years passed , I understood and realized that she didn’t leave me , and I didn’t lose her and we were not separated .Whereas the contrary she is alive inside me and our hearts always beat together .Hence No more questions were hitting my brain because my feelings were beyond all the answers related to all the questions !

Celine taught me to be strong and courageous woman .The pain I lived during that month was like an agony, yet led me to take firm decisions in my life with a brave heart and with no fear .

Yes… Celine was born with a weak heart but she inspired me big time .The soreness I lived revolved me to a brave woman that faced and endured difficulties without fear and even with enthusiasm.

Celine was and is my inspiration ….