Loving insights and lessons I’ve learned – from my own divorce and from coaching Men… That MAY JUST SAVE your marriage.

My former hubby and I separated in 2018… Today our divorce is - I guess - “official” via the Family Courts...

I’d thought I’d share some loving insights and lessons I’ve learned – from my own divorce and from coaching Men… That MAY JUST SAVE your marriage.

We finalized the separation paperwork in 2020… Emotionally it was tough… We got messed around significantly by a mediation company we used…

It was devastating for both of us...We signed up with them because we wanted to keep things caring and straightforward. And were so relieved when it was over, that we forgot about the divorce paperwork after that.

I recently heard he was in a serious relationship… It kinda warmed my heart… y’know?... that he was happy… and what that meant for him...

Then it popped into my head “shit, we’re not divorced”. So I messaged him… and we went through the motions and got it sorted.

Here’s the thing… If you had’ve told me 10 years ago that him and I divorced… I would’ve told you “there’s no way in hell, we’re a team, together forever, no matter what”. 20+ years together. It’s no secret that “warrior Mandy” LOL would to go the ends of the earth to protect our little family.

I’ve spent the past few years doing some really hard work on myself… Because what we both went through rocked us to our core… Neither of us saw it coming. And I don’t want to bring that into my future.

Looking back at the mistakes we made… And the things that I’ve seen come up in relationships with my coaching clients… it gives you a hell of a lot of insight…

I’m not a relationship coach…

I coach in Resilience…

As you read through this… A lot of it might seem so simple, common sense… yet resonate with you…

You’ll also see both the genuine oxytocin and dopamine benefits of these points.

This post will be helpful for Men and Women.

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1. Don’t be afraid...

...To share what you want for your relationship, how you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that, and why it’s important to you.

We’re bombarded that, Man or Woman, if you share this… You’re weak, you’re needy. There’s so much protection and game-playing encouraged.

I don't believe in that BS.

If you’re a team, a genuine team… If you’re open and you trust each other… Then there’s no need to fear that.

If you take responsibility for yourself, how you share that…

…if you’re direct, come with compassion, caring… not demanding, nor resentment, nor making someone feel guilty… it will bring you closer. It builds a stronger team...and strength within yourself.

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2. Respect…

...show each other how much you appreciate and respect each other…

a. Mean it when you say it to your partner

b. And accept it, let it sink in when it’s spoken to you.

In the rush of everyday life, pressures etc… those words can fly over your head and mean nothing if you’re experiencing anxiety, and resentment towards your own life and how you feel about yourself.

When someone looks at you and says they care about you, value you, respect you… don’t fob it off.

When you say it to someone… don’t say it just so you can tell yourself you’ve earned some points on the scoreboard, tit for tat… or in the bedroom.

Ulterior motives from either side… leads to mental and emotional games.

Look at your partner through the lenses of gratefulness, their strengths, what and how you respect, admire and value them… and how that makes you feel.

Now do that each day for a month. See what happens.

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3. Know what your purpose is together…

When people get together “purpose”, and what you want to build together, whatever that is… often isn’t something that’s discussed.

You can get so tied up in your own purpose that you forget about your purpose together.

Your purpose together may change over the years… that’s OK. What’s important to you both now in this stage of your life and relationship will be different 5 years from now. 10, 20 years from now.

Check in with each other about how you’re relationship is going, and what you’re building together and how you can support each other.

It's funny, y’know…

In business and companies we’re taught to do that… but not in personal relationships.

It can be looked at from a sterile point of view… Not wanting to bring a work-style concept to home life when you’re done with work for the day.

But it doesn’t have to be clinical… It’s your life… Your relationship…

Make it fun, make it exciting, bring yourself peace, strength in your purpose together.

Allow yourselves to continue to thrive and build a solid foundation that you both want to create and participate in. Because you choose too.

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4. Problem solve together…

...being able to work side by side together in accomplishing and overcoming challenges builds trust… It feels good to be able to do that… To know you have each other’s backs.

Involve each other… skills, talents, insights, values, and wisdom… whether that’s a financial challenge, decisions being made at home… whether that’s camping, an adventure, physical challenge…

Sometimes when one person is making the majority, or all, of the decisions in every area…

a. the other person can start to feel helpless or devalued… May start to brush off important tasks thinking “why bother, they don’t trust my input anyway”. There may be fear of judgment, to start with, or fear around their decision-making skills. Or fear of rejection if they speak up.

b. The person making all the decisions can start to feel like they’re “in this” on their own – and will continue to operate in that way out of a feeling of necessity - especially if the other person avoids making decisions, gets super stressed, thrown into chaos when faced with them…

When you solve problems together it builds confidence, respect, and resilience in your relationship, in yourself… It improves communication, affection, “S”.

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5. Personal Growth…

As individuals you’re going to change, grow, evolve… (however you want to put it)… it comes with life experience.

What that looks like moving forward and how someone chooses to take care of themselves mentally, physically and emotionally, developing skills, life experience, relationship growth…

May be completely different from what you, or they, think that is.

I see in couples often, the fear that takes place when one partner chooses to work on themselves… start to change, better themselves, take responsibility for how they operate in life…

They’re doing that work on themselves because they want to create an improved and fulfilling life for themselves and for their partner… Y’know, be the best they can be.

The partner who’s watching these changes, becomes afraid of being left behind, the unknown of that… wondering if that person will leave them.

Not talking about this… You both beating yourselves up, or just hoping it will sort itself out by avoiding it… Will create division… and resentment…

See points “1 to 4”.

I believe that couples can grow stronger together and grow individually… if both partners choose that.

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6. Accountability… and Self Accountability

Often in relationships when you see so much “incredibleness” (is that a word LOL) in your partner… You encourage, hold them accountable. There’s playfulness and love in doing that. Especially earlier in relationships.

When I ask Men, “when you were first living with your girlfriend or wife and she said those words to you… did you consider it nagging, or pestering?”

The answer is usually “no”.

Because they both wanted to do things to support each other. And excited to do it… Not just because it meant a trip to bedroom… Although that was a bonus… It’s because they loved having each other’s back.

Once you start looking through the lenses of “have to”, versus “choose to”…

You start to devalue yourself… And your partner.

You then start to believe you’re trapped in a thankless relationship.

Most people don’t realise how much damage this causes until they’re years down the track.

Then they wonder why the person that they thought would always be there, support them… and tolerate their “have to’s” and resentment…

....Decides to leave.

...And they’re bewildered what happened… Because that had become their normal.

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7. Intimacy… this isn’t necessarily what you think it is.

The ”S” word is awesome and builds incredible bonds… So does playfulness, kindness, hugs, understanding, compassion… and even adventure.

Mental, emotional and physical connection is such a wonderful thing to support yourself and each other.

In this overwhelming world of dating and relationships…

Commonsense is thrown out the window for manipulation.

“S” is used as emotional blackmail by Men and Women. And it’s celebrated as some kind of exploitation skill. It’s screams insecurity, protection and fear of getting hurt.

When you trust someone… and trust yourself… there’s no need for this kind of BS.

The more trust… you allow for better “S”.

In relationships the less physical contact, less affection, less connection you have… the dynamic of the relationship changes.

It can be incredibly lonely and isolating without connection… Two people just going through the motions…

Often one person is trying to work on the relationship, the other one isn’t… Days, years go by.

Then one day the person that’s working on it… “emotionally leaves” the relationship… even though they’re still physically in it…

Then when they’re sick of feeling like that, they leave for good.

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8. Taking responsibility for your personal Mental Health, Emotional Health and Physical wellbeing.

All of the above contribute in their own way to helping with this… And in relationships, there will be times when you’ll take turns stepping up and caring for each other…

...If you trust each other enough to do so.

It's an incredible feeling knowing that there’s nowhere else in the world you’d rather be than standing by that person’s side…

...because of the love you have for them. Because you’ve built a beautiful, solid foundation together.

Taking responsibility for working on your insecurities, fears, your strengths, values, developing new skills… taking care of your health… It helps you bring the best of you to your relationship and life.

Having your partner internally suffer mentally, emotionally and physically… and choose not to take action on it… due to shame, pride, perceptions, fear of the unknown… will eventually break both of you…

And avoiding it only makes it bigger and scarier...

And leaves bigger scars and trauma when left to play havoc.

Don’t forgo your own ability to live a meaningful, fulfilled life with your partner…

We weren’t put on this earth to suffer through relationships… Why should we? When we can build and create relationships where we can thrive.

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I know there’s more I could add to this…

But these last couple of days, thinking back… these are the points that come to mind.

I’m no expert… Just learning along in life like everyone else.

I’m grateful for the miracle of insights…

And relationships.

Mandy xo

#marriage #divorce #men #women #relationships #resilience