Lover can Ditch You even after 10 years, Be Cautious

So what’s “falling out of relationship?”

The answer is: betrayal. You have opened up your soul; you’ve been vulnerable, and what did you get for it?

You got hurt and betrayed. The betrayal doesn’t have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. But even ignoring a spouse when he or she is talking is betrayal. When this continues, the commonalities aren’t so apparent.

Your spouse might be hurt, too.

Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. Maybe you’ve been married a long time. You may have had children together.

How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you?

How can you possibly fall in love with such a person again?

You are torn because it would be good to keep the relationship but the feelings just aren’t there. What can you do?

My answer is: Feeling can come back, but the process is backwards from the way it was the first time.

The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. You can’t do that this time. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those.

Steps that you both can take:

Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way that he or she has changed. He/she must acquire the skill of patience.

That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered.

If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around.

You must be patient, too—with your spouse and with yourself. His/her awakening to the fact that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will dawn on him/her slowly.

Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with you. This may take time, and perhaps help from outside sources. And you can allow yourself time to heal from the hurts of the past, because that is a natural process that cannot be rushed

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate. 

Thank you …This is a wonderful step. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a language. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing.

Because your guard remains up (that was number one in this list), your powers of observation are keen, and you can see that something new is on the horizon.

Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. From this, respect and trust begin to grow.

Allow this step the time it needs to unfold. The more respect worthy observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse.

Symptoms of obsessive love

• An overwhelming attraction to one person.
• Obsessive thoughts about the person.
• Feeling the need to “protect” the person you're in love with.
• Possessive thoughts and actions.
• Extreme jealousy over other interpersonal interactions.
• Low self-esteem.

Want to add word or two? 

Respect and trust will allow you to open up, little by little. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process.

There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect.

These are the new things that you will be able to talk about.

Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you.

You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more.

Your comment ….?  

In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. In these admissions, he/she too will be vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again.

When you’re dating a guy, it’s easy to think he’s perfect. You’re in a love haze, so be careful because there are definite differences between the boy you date and the man you marry. It’s true that people can change, so don’t ditch a guy just because he seems like a slacker at first.

It’s okay to give him a chance to prove himself. However, if you don’t eventually see some of these characteristics, don’t be afraid to dump him and move on to someone new.

If you’re young and having fun at this point in your life, it’s okay to date around and have flings, but before long you’re going to want to settle down, so make sure you do it with a quality man, not an immature boy.

The boy you date asks you to “hang out,” which involves less commitment than a date. He wants to have fun with no strings attached.

The man you marry asks you out on dates and is clear about his intentions with you. He wants to be with you and wants you to know where you’re headed. 

The boy you date talks with you about people you know from your past, or pokes fun at that guy at the bar, or only shares funny stories because he can’t connect on a deeper level.

The man you marry can hold a conversation with you about books, movies, music, and other common interests. This makes for a more substantial relationship in the long run. 

The boy you date will say he never wants to get married or have kids, and nothing will change his mind. Don’t try–this is a red flag that he’s not Mr. Right!

The man you marry might change his mind about wanting to marry and have kids after he’s met you. 

The boy you date hears your attitude, takes it personally, and starts firing it right back at you until it spirals into a major fight.

The man you marry can handle your attitude and talk you down from a ledge. This is especially important when you have major life crises or a bad day at work. 

The boy you date calls you mean and immature names to make himself feel like a winner.

The man you marry fights fairly. He doesn’t call you names or use physical force, no matter how angry he gets.