TO BE LOVED ,IS TO BE CHANGED

I came across a TikTok trend featuring before-and-after photos of children’s stuffed animals. The photographer combined images of the toys when they were new with how they looked after being loved and used over time. The photos capture the wear and tear of the stuffed animals, showing them in their original condition and then much later, after the child has grown up. The worn-out appearance of the toys sparked a conversation about how much love, play, and curiosity children invest in their toys as they grow.

So to be loved is to be changed, sounds simple, but I believe for many, there is a reflection of the love they experienced growing up, from family, to peer relationships, romantic relationships through personal difficulties. It is in these avenues, or experiences that we experience this love.

As I write this, I’m thinking about people going through depression and grief, who often mask their emotions to the point that it limits their ability to experience love and gratitude from others.

When people are going through depression or grief, they often build emotional walls as a way to cope with overwhelming feelings. This “masking” can create a barrier that prevents them from experiencing love and gratitude from others, which are crucial for healing. The inability to feel loved during these moments can distort their self-concept, making them feel unworthy, isolated, or disconnected.

Let me continue with this…You find as well people who mask their emotions; perhaps to protect others from their pain or because they feel ashamed, often prevent themselves from receiving love. They may appear “fine” on the outside, but internally, they might be battling feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness.

This disconnect between what they show and what they feel can lead to a sense of invisibility, where even when love is offered, they may struggle to truly feel it.

When someone in the depths of depression or grief receives genuine, unconditional regard in therapy, and this genuineness and love to continue in their support network, family, friends etc, it can pierce through the emotional walls they’ve built. love can act as a mirror, showing them a version of themselves they might not be able to see. When others reflect love and gratitude, it sends the message that they are valued and appreciated, even when they cannot feel that for themselves.

This love can offer a counter narrative to their internalized beliefs of unworthiness or shame, slowly encouraging them to reconnect with others and, most importantly, with themselves.

When professionals and good psychologists interact with Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), there are a wide range of insight one can indulge in supporting someone with masking, depression and even grief.

1. Cognitive defusion can be particularly useful. Individuals can be guided to observe their negative thoughts e.g., “No one really cares about me” or “I’m not worthy of love”, as just thoughts, not truths. When they defuse from these limiting beliefs, one can begin to open themselves up to love and connection again, which can significantly change their self concept.

2. Mindfulness and self- as context come into play. Encouraging individuals to practice mindfulness helps them become more aware of the present moment, including the love and kindness being offered by others. By focusing on self-as-context, they learn that they are not their depression or their grief, they are the observer of these experiences, and they have the capacity for growth and change. Read more on ACT & self- as context : https://www.actmindfully.com.au/upimages/Making_Self-As-Context_Relevant,_Clear_and_Practical.pdf

3. Values-based living can be a lifeline here. Even in moments of deep pain, individuals can be encouraged to act in alignment with their values, perhaps by reaching out for support or offering kindness to themselves. By committing to small, values-driven actions, they can slowly begin to change their self-concept from someone who is “stuck in pain” to someone who is capable of love and connection, even in hard times.

4. Mindfulness exercises in ACT can help individuals reconnect with the present moment, allowing them to notice and appreciate the love and support that exists around them, even if their pain is still there. Through mindfulness, they can practice gratitude for small moments, which can gradually shift their self-perception from one of isolation and despair to one of connection and resilience.

5. Committed action in ACT is about taking steps that align with one’s values, even in the face of fear or discomfort. For someone masking their emotions, committed action might be as simple as expressing a small part of their feelings to a trusted person or allowing themselves to accept a compliment without deflecting it. These small acts of openness, grounded in love, can accumulate over time, leading to significant changes in how they view themselves.