Love Your Enemies: Book Review

When an a professor at a business school writes a book with “Love” in the title, I sit up, take notice and read.

Arthur C. Brooks addresses the culture of contempt that has become pervasive in America, from the perspective of politics.?As a citizen of Jamaica and Canada, both of which I love so very much, I see the culture of contempt overtaking other spheres of life in my two countries as well. ??

Brooks defines contempt as anger plus disgust, and devotes the first chapter to expounding on its impact.?We see played this out every day on mass media, social media and general interactions with others in what he cleverly terms the “Outrage Industrial Complex”.?Thankfully, he devotes the rest of the book to getting over this culture of contempt.?His solution is simple (but not easy) – embrace love.?He draws on his faith and his openness to the wisdom of other spiritual leaders such as the Dalai Lama who urges us to “practice warm heartedness”.

He shares the wisdom of experts such as Dr. John Gottman who provides 4 simple rules to reject contempt and embrace love:

1. Focus on others distress – understand their point of view and LISTEN, resisting mightily the urge to rebut
2. Follow the 5:1 rule – 5 positive comments for every criticism
3. NO contempt is every justified.?Just don’t do it
4. Go where other people disagree and work with them

I love that he started the “turnaround plan” with a simple missive: “be nice”.?Now, that’s difficult for many of us who have been told that “nice people finish last”, that there’s no place for niceness, that being nice is weak, etc.?But no, he says, start with being nice with two immediately implementable hacks – smile, and show gratitude.

He then hones into the lessons for leaders, which takes the discourse into the broader sphere of our lives, addresses morality (the conundrum that we face of loving people if they are immoral).?But he asks: are people really immoral, or is it that they don’t have the same morals as we do??And then, he recommends that we actually speak to people to find out. ?

Identity frames contempt: how I identify clashes with how you identify.?We have to move beyond this by seeing people as real people, not caricatures or stereotypes.?We are then able to live together in harmony (or at least, civility), by practicing healthy disagreement:

1. Finding and respectfully engaging with people with ideologies different to yours
2. Not attacking, insulting or aiming to win
3. Never assuming the motives of another person (we can never know what’s in someone’s head – sometimes we don’t’ even know what’s in our own!)
4. Using your values as a gift, not a weapon – that’s often where you can find common ground

The book concludes 5 rules to subvert the culture of contempt:

1. Stand up to the Man.?Refuse to be used by the powerful
2. Escape the bubble – go where you are not invited, and say things people don’t expect
3. Say no to contempt – treat others with love and respect, even when it’s difficult
4. Disagree better – be part of a healthy competition of ideas
5. Tune out: disconnect more from the unproductive debates

As Prof. Brooks demonstrates, we can each take action to change the culture of contempt.?Personally, I am taking his advice to heart, resolving to “be the change I wish to see”, as Mahatma Gandhi advised.?