Love is a Verb

Introduction

On this day, Mother's Day, we honour the extraordinary actions of mothers in bringing forth and raising children. This celebration offers a timely reminder to reflect on the word "love" - a term with multiple meanings that extend far beyond the romantic ideals often depicted in literature and media.

In the modern world, with its myriad of distractions and demands, it becomes crucial to think of love not just as an emotion or something that passively happens to us, but as a verb - a conscious, deliberate act.

The traditional portrayal of love often leans towards passive experiences, such as the romantic swooning familiar in Mills & Boon novels, where love appears as a sudden, overwhelming emotion.

However, understanding love as a verb shifts this perspective, emphasising the actions we take to show our core values of care, commitment, and empathy. This active approach to love is not only more realistic and practical but also more effective in fostering deep, meaningful relationships.

In this article, we will explore the nature of different types of love and how they manifest in our practical, busy lives.

By examining love as an active practice, we can better appreciate its various forms and consciously integrate it more fully into our daily lives so as to achieve a great sense of fulfillment.

Aspects of Love

Love is represented by multifaceted emotions and actions, and different cultures and thinkers have identified various types of love. Let’s explore some of them:

1. Eros (Passionate Love): Eros is intense, passionate love associated with desire and physical attraction. It’s akin to the modern concept of romantic love. In Greek mythology, Eros was depicted as a form of madness caused by Cupid’s arrows, leading to infatuation and longing.
2. Philia (Friendship Love): Philia refers to the love between friends. It’s characterised by shared goodwill, companionship, dependability, and trust. Aristotle believed that true friendships are based on goodness and virtue1.
3. Storge (Familial Love): Storge is a subset of philia, specifically related to familial relationships. It encompasses the love between parents and children, siblings, and other family members. It’s often associated with familiarity, loyalty, and affection.
4. Agape (Unconditional Love): Agape is selfless, unconditional love. It transcends personal gain and involves compassion, empathy, and a desire for the well-being of others. Agape love is often seen as divine or spiritual.
5. Ludus (Playful Love): Ludus represents playful, flirtatious love. It’s characterised by light-heartedness, teasing, and enjoyment. Think of early stages of courtship or innocent crushes.
6. Pragma (Practical Love): Pragma is practical, pragmatic love. It’s based on compatibility, shared goals, and long-term commitment. Pragma often develops in long-term relationships or marriages.
7. Philautia (Self-Love): Philautia refers to self-love. It can be healthy (self-acceptance, self-care) or unhealthy (narcissism). Cultivating a positive relationship with oneself is essential for overall well-being. Moreover, a lack of self love will then often rely on others for self esteem.

Remember that these types of love are not mutually exclusive; they can coexist and evolve over time. Each type contributes to our understanding of human connections and emotions. ??

The Myth of Passive Love

We’ve all heard the clichés: “Love at first sight,” “falling in love,” and “head over heels.” These phrases suggest that love is something that happens to us, like a sudden storm or a serendipitous encounter. But true love is not passive; it’s not a passive state of being. Instead, it’s an active force that requires intention, commitment, and effort.

Example: Consider the story of Janet and John, who met whilst at University. Their initial attraction was strong, but what has kept their relationship thriving for 20 years is not the initial spark but the everyday acts of love. From making breakfast for each other to staying up late discussing their hopes and fears, their love is an ongoing series of actions and choices.

Love in Action

1. Listening

Love is about truly hearing someone—their hopes, fears, dreams, and struggles. It’s not just nodding along while waiting for your turn to speak. It’s leaning in, asking questions, and empathising. Love listens.

Example: Sarah always felt overwhelmed by her workday until her partner, Tom, started asking about her day every evening. He didn't just listen; he remembered and brought it up in later conversations, making her feel truly understood and valued.

2. Kindness

Kindness is love in action. It’s the small gestures—the cup of tea brought to a work colleague, the smile shared with a stranger, the patience extended to a child. Kindness is love made visible.

Example: Michael noticed that his neighbor, Mrs. Lee, struggled with her groceries every week. One day, he offered to help her carry them. This small act of kindness led to a friendship that brightened both their lives.

3. Forgiveness

Love forgives. It lets go of grudges, releases bitterness, and chooses healing over hurt. Forgiveness is the bridge that connects fractured hearts.

Example: After an argument, Maria and Luis didn't speak for days. Realising that their relationship was more important than their pride, Maria apologised first, and Luis reciprocated. Their ability to forgive each other strengthened their bond.

4. Sacrifice

Love sacrifices. It gives up its own comfort, time, and desires for the well-being of another. Sacrifice is the language of love.

Example: David dreamed of travelling the world, but when his mother fell ill, he chose to stay home and care for her. His sacrifice was a profound expression of his love and commitment to family.

5. Support

Love supports. It cheers on the sidelines, holds hands during dark nights, and celebrates victories. Good friends or colleagues challenge each other to ensure that they stay on track. Support is love’s backbone.

Example: Emma’s new business faced many challenges, but her friend Lisa was always there with encouragement and practical help. Lisa's unwavering support helped Emma succeed.

6. Commitment

Love is not fleeting; it’s enduring. It’s the promise to stay, even when storms rage and skies darken. Commitment is love’s anchor.

Example: Despite facing numerous challenges, including financial difficulties and health issues, Mark and Anna's commitment to each other as a couple never wavered. Their enduring love has been a testament to the strength of their partnership.

Practising Love in Busy Lives

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, finding time to practise love in its various forms can be challenging. However, integrating love into our daily routines is both possible and beneficial. Here are some strategies to incorporate love into a busy schedule:

Balancing Act

• Integration: Rather than seeing acts of love as additional tasks, integrate them into your daily routine. Simple actions like making time for family dinners, sending a thoughtful text, volunteering for communal or work tasks or offering a helping hand can make a significant impact.
• Mindfulness: Being present and intentional in our interactions can transform everyday activities into opportunities to express love. Mindfulness helps us focus on the moment and the people we are with, enhancing our capacity to connect and show care.

Prioritisation:

• Making Time: Prioritise relationships and acts of love by scheduling them into your calendar. Whether it’s a date night, a coffee with a friend, or a volunteer activity, setting aside dedicated time ensures these important actions don’t get overlooked.
• Small Acts: Recognise the power of small, consistent actions. A smile, a kind word, or a thoughtful gesture can go a long way in expressing love and maintaining strong connections.

Practical Tips for Practice

Self-Love

Daily Self-Care: Establish a self-care routine that includes activities like exercise, meditation, healthy eating, and adequate rest. For example, start your day with a 10-minute meditation to set a positive tone.

Journalling: Reflect on your thoughts and feelings through journalling. This practice can help you understand and accept yourself better. Write about three things you appreciate about yourself each day.

Setting Boundaries: Learn to say no and set boundaries to protect your time and energy. For instance, if you need downtime, communicate this need to those around you.

Romantic Love

Regular Date Nights: Schedule regular date nights to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company. It could be as simple as a weekly dinner at home with no distractions.

Open Communication: Practice open and honest communication about your feelings, needs, and concerns. Set aside time each week for a check-in conversation.

Appreciation Rituals: Develop rituals to show appreciation, such as writing love notes or expressing gratitude daily. Leave a note in your partner’s bag or send a loving text message during the day.

Parental Love

Quality Time: Spend dedicated quality time with your children, engaging in activities they enjoy. Plan a weekly game night or outdoor adventure.

Active Listening: Listen to your children’s thoughts and feelings without judgment, showing them they are valued and understood. Encourage them to share their day at the dinner table.

Supportive Guidance: Provide guidance and support while allowing them the space to grow and learn independently. Offer help with homework but let them lead the way.

Platonic Love

Regular Check-Ins: Make it a habit to check in with your friends regularly (especially if they are sick or having life challenges), even if it’s just a quick message or call. Send a “thinking of you” text every few days.

Shared Hobbies or Sports: Engage in activities you both enjoy, strengthening your bond through shared experiences. Join a club or gym or start a hobby project together.

Being There: Offer active support during challenging times, showing your friends that they can rely on you. Help a friend move or be a listening ear when they need to talk.

Altruistic Love

Volunteering: Dedicate time to volunteer for causes you care about, helping those in need. Volunteer at a local food bank or animal shelter or a local school or association.

Random Acts of Kindness: Perform random acts of kindness, such as paying for someone’s coffee or helping a neighbor with their groceries. Leave an anonymous note of encouragement for someone at work.

Supporting Causes: Get involved in advocacy or support charitable organizations that align with your values. Donate to a charity or participate in a fundraising event.

Conclusion

In embracing the concept of love as a verb, we not only transform our personal relationships but also contribute to a more compassionate and connected world.

Love, when practiced actively, becomes a powerful force for good, enriching our lives and the lives of those around us.

Whether it’s through self-love, romantic love, parental love, platonic love, or altruistic love, each act of love creates a ripple effect, fostering deeper connections and a more harmonious society.

As we reflect on the significance of Mother's Day and the countless acts of love that mothers demonstrate, let us commit to making love an active, daily practice. By doing so, we unlock the true potential of love to heal, inspire, and bring us closer together.

Thank you!

Frank Choy

12 May 2024

Recommended reading:

Self-Love

1. "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are", Brené Brown, Hazelden, 2022
2. "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha", Tara Brach, Random House, 2004

Romantic Love

1. "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts", Gary Chapman, Jaico, 2008
2. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love", Dr. Sue Johnson, Piatkus, 2011

Parental Love

1. "The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind", Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson, Scribe, 2012
2. "Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility", Charles Fay & Foster Cline, NavPress, 2022

Platonic Love

1. "The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections", Kim Wier, St Martin's Press, 2006
2. "Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond", Lydia Denworth, Sigma, 2020

Altruistic Love

1. "The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World", Dalai Lama & Desmond Tutu, Hutchinso, 2016. Magical!
2. "Doing Good Better: How Effective Altruism Can Help You Make a Difference", William MacAskill, Guardian Books, 2015

These books provide valuable insights and practical advice on how to cultivate and practice love in its various forms, emphasizing the importance of intentional actions and commitment.