Love In The Time Of Corona

Finally! It feels so good to be back behind the keyboard again, writing something informal (non-academic, I mean). I haven't written in so long and so much in my life has changed since then. Today, I got challenged with a very valid concept, what exactly is love? Now when someone asks me such a question, my immediate response would be "baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..." -if you don't catch the reference, you are definitely to young to read this. However, I added the video link above for those of you at the disposition of not knowing. In any case, as some of you might know I simply cannot write without inspiration that alludes to a conviction, motivating me to actually write. And I feel like I finally have enough built up frustration to engage in a discussion about something as complex as love - as this is something rarely focused on in times like these. We have been hit with a pandemic, that basically screwed us over in more than one way. We thought the Chinese were at it again, but we soon realised that this Coronavirus (a.k.a COVID-19) pandemic meant business and we had to impose certain measurements to cease its spread.

And this, this has affected so many people emotionally and relationally. Even me, being single for the past year or so, did not escape from this so lightly. With flashbacks from a not too distant past haunting my dreams. And what I mean by that is, a year ago I went through one of the worst breakups anyone could ever go through. It was hell, and it was one of the things that opened my eyes to the power of pain and how ineffective my religious convictions were as coping mechanisms - so I resorted to Atheism. Shocker! I know. But anyway, I will elaborate on that later in a different article... With that being said, I have now opened my own counselling business at the beginning of April - and not a moment too soon! I have been working non-stop with people battling through difficulties in their lives, and one of the things that I was confronted with was love. Yes, this social construct that most of modernity has their lives prostrated to the utopic idealism of. The Romantic narrative that Hollywood and Social Media sells us so blindly - a love in the time of COVID-19 (Or Corona, if you will)!

It is no secret that we humans are on the look out for security, and especially in crises like these with all our security destroyed by an imposing threat like a virus, where our whole lives have been changed - we then fear for our lives. And we search for that something to attach to, and when it too gets taken away -we are left with a sense of nihilism (meaninglessness) and depression. Because with this whole social distancing thing our anxiety rises through the roof, and we hold on even stronger than the things we perceive as secure. In Psychology this is known as co-dependency, an insecure "attachment theory" referring to how people relate to other people in social contexts - romantically or otherwise. And with this narrative there is a sense of "I am because you are" and not "I am because I want to be" and this often causes conflict, not only within ourselves but within our relationships with others, and this affects how we love.

Our love becomes more insecure because we are too afraid of losing the person, instead of focusing on not losing ourselves for the sake of the relationship. This is mentally and emotionally draining; also extremely tedious and nobody can cope with this amount of stress, this battle between love and self: Who we want to be, and who we are (in the relationship). And of course, I am using the term relationship, because I am specifically speaking about loving relationships and not friendships, relationships where a certain sense of intimacy is involved - which is not implicitly referring to sex, but also other things that make relationships intimate: time, effort, words of affirmation and so forth. And while these are important factors in love, I feel like we do not understand love and its complexity.

The whole term "love" is fallacious, as we do not understand that it goes beyond the feelings and the struggles of being stuck, the conflict and the here and now. And by "beyond the here and now" I don't mean future goals of marriage, family, kids etc. My favourite Philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche understood something of love that I don't think any author (in my humble opinion) could have grasped so profoundly. Nietzsche wrote in his 1882 book, Die Fr?hliche Wi?enschaft (The Joyful Wisdom) in Chapter 12. The Goal of Science:

"The ultimate goal of science is to create the most pleasure possible to man, and the least possible pain? But what if pleasure and pain should be so closely connected that he who wants the greatest possible amount of the one must also have the greatest possible amount of the other, that he who wants to experience the 'heavenly high jubilation,' must also be ready to be 'sorrowful unto death'?"

Nietzsche F. (1882), 12. The Goal of Science, in: "The Gay Science/Joyful Wisdom. Die Fr?hliche Wissenschaft."

This is the great "beyond the here and now" that I am speaking of. The possibility of pain and failure. - Bombshell, I know... And I don't mean to be insensitive or hateful about this, but this is one thing we need to understand with such happiness. Most of us know the quote from the 2004 Spider-Man movie: "With great power comes great responsibility" and this is a powerful philosophy to have, but let's make it more applicable to what I wish to convey here, and that is; with great jubilee (joyfulness) comes great suffering! And THIS is the reality, although not the norm. So, in saying this, I don't mean to be pessimistic and say it ought to happen to anyone. [I'm not trying to send you into a depression, so please bear with me for the moment]. What I'm trying to convey, is the fact that it eventually will happen and that our utopic expectancy should not cloud our vision, as this could lead into a false sense of security - again referring to earlier on, where I said that we are all in search of security.

This is not a bad thing, but a false sense of security is not based in reality, and to believe that "real love lasts forever" is not reality. What? Did you expect it to? Well, of course we do! Because we don't go into relationships just because they end... We go into them, because it's exciting and feeling valued is such a special feeling, and I agree there is nothing more wonderful than such a feeling, however we should not lose perspective that it requires commitment. And this is where I aim to get at: We are past the pessimistic realism now and you may take a sigh of relief, this is not where I will leave it. Not everything is doom and gloom! Did you take a breath? ***

Good. Now that you're a bit more relaxed, allow me to share a bit of encouragement! Beyond the expectancy of the suffering that should be in your mind, there is also the possibility of avoiding it. Do you know the secret? You! - Yes. You! - Why? Did you expect some $1 secret webinar that nobody has ever watched and is now completely free just for YOU?! Fortunately for you, I'm not in the business of scamming people out of their hard earned money (or the lack thereof), my insight here is free of charge: all day, every day, forever! Anyway, the secret ingredient is you and how you take charge of your role in the relationship. What does that mean? Well, as you will agree not every relationship comes with a manual and you literally just wing it, however Psychology deems communication an integral part of relationships. You cannot have intimacy without it.

If you don't have a verbal 'to- and fro-' in your relationship every now and then, someone somewhere is not talking about how they truly feel and this could ruin the trust and the intimacy. Especially so if they avoid talking about things that bother them and give you the silent treatment or avoid you. That's manipulation and it's toxic and it will leave a lot of unanswered questions you have to struggle through during -and after the relationship. Most of which you will probably never have the answer for! Nevertheless, if you argue - it means that there is communication and if there is communication, there is intimacy, and the relationship is much more fulfilling then, than otherwise. Also, don't scare yourself into thinking "this is the one" because that's also a myth. There is no such thing, and anyone has the potential to be the one, it just depends on how committed they are to you and the relationship.

And now finally, sex. - Yes, yes. I know, sensitive topic and all but this article in essence contributes to the preceding one I wrote on Mitigating 21st Century Relationships and is part of a sex series I have been threatening to do for so long... So, this is important. Having sex (even outside of marriage) is okay! I have written more in depth on this in my article about The Beauty of Sex where I explain the ethics a bit better. And I am currently pursuing my Master's degree in Theology on this very topic - healthy sexual ethics. In a world where sexual violence is rampant we need to approach the body with a new reverence and respect, communicating (again) whether this is something we are comfortable with or not. It's not immoral to engage in healthy sexual activity and neither will you go to hell for it, the problem is just how do you approach it? Is your approach responsible? (i.e. protected and respectful, considerate, consensual etc.) or irresponsible? (i.e. for selfish gain like social validation/acceptance, unprotected and inconsiderate - or worse non-consensual, which would classify as rape!)

Only you can answer these questions, and if you are in fact engaging with sex responsibly, then you are okay. If you do it irresponsibly then there is the chance where one or either of the parties involved could get hurt, and as the saying goes "broken people break people" and these broken people make for toxic relationship partners if they have not dealt with their trauma sufficiently. However, during the next 3 months, if you are not locked down during this time with your significant other, I doubt there'll be any action taking place. Anyway, enough with the Sex-ed. - if you're truly interested in the mechanics *no pun intended* of it, then you can read my article above, or my Honours academic research paper in Theology here.

On that note, let's wrap this lengthy discussion up, shall we? - So, what is love? Someone once told me, love is to give someone a knife (metaphorically) which places them in the position to either stab you with it - or not. It entirely depends on their responsibility or irresponsibility. Sometimes people will disappoint you, and then hurt you. And I hope that it doesn't happen to you - ever! The feelings afterward are not cool, but if it so happens, it's not the end of the world. It's an uphill battle, but you won't die. You will be okay. (Should you be in such a space, contact me here and we can chat about it! Wherever you are in the world...) However, to love is pain whether it works out or not, and Nietzsche said another thing in response to the previous statement I quoted above:

"At present also you have still the choice: either the least possible pain, in short painlessness and after all ... or the greatest possible amount of pain, as the price of the growth of a fullness of refined delights and enjoyments rarely tasted hitherto (until now)! If you decide for the former, if you therefore want to depress and minimise man’s capacity for pain, well, you must also depress and minimise his capacity for enjoyment."

Nietzsche F. 1882, 12. The Goal of Science, in: "The Gay Science/Joyful Wisdom. Die Fr?hliche Wissenschaft."

Pain makes us grow into more loving people - if we work through it constructively - but if we wish to avoid it, we ought to avoid (romantic) love in itself. Just like if we suppress one emotion, we suppress all of them and that's not a healthy way to live. You deserve love! The responsible, committed and dedicated love. And pain should not dissuade you from embracing such love, you are worth it. And if you have a responsible partner, hold them close and cherish each other. You are in control of the direction of your life and your relationship, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And in the midst of social isolation during this COVID-19 pandemic; proper communication, self-love and care is important more than ever - as that is where secure love starts. Stay safe!