The Love Seat

Recently, I thought of the movie, Witness. It came out in 1985, and was about being seen and unseen. Harrison Ford plays a cop who goes undercover in an Amish community to protect a woman and her young son, who happened to be the sole witness to a brutal murder. To?witness, accidentally, can be dangerous.?

But what if you are invited in to witness intentionally? What if the idea is to be witnessed??

To be witnessed is to be seen, to know that you matter, to be made whole.?

Last month, I met up with three friends in Houston. We rented an Airbnb, cleared our calendars for several days, and stocked the fridge. More importantly, we showed up, present and attentive.??

We agreed ahead of time that each person would have time in the Love Seat. It's our version of a mastermind. The person in the Love Seat asks for whatever he or she needs, whether it's input on a project, asking for feedback, ideas for moving forward, or something else. All requests are met with love, thoughtfulness, and kindness.

For my Love Seat, I asked to be witnessed while reading aloud a series of letters that I had written to my dad. He died in 1975, when I was 13 years old. I wasn't able to process all that happened at such a tender age. So I am doing it now, as a 62-year old. In the letters, I explore grief and loss, joy and gratitude, comfort and unease. I reconcile the adolescent perspective of a dying father with the mature woman's understanding of a human being, wounded and imperfect, yet at the same time, full of goodness.?

I spent two hours reading the letters, immersed in compassion, held by dear friends who are extraordinary listeners. The experience was transformative--as speaker and as listener.?

In a podcast episode,?the psychotherapist, Esther Perel, speaks about the role of witnessing and why it so important to be witnessed:

"And somebody next to you, you are weeping, you’re doing your thing, but they’re standing there. They don’t have to say much of anything. And that standing there, and the fact that they can hold it, meaning that they’re not getting reactive to it and want you to get better fast because they can’t tolerate it, that is what makes us feel not alone. People have suffered from the day human beings have existed. There’s nothing new. But they always knew that the suffering needs to take place in the company of others. And these days we do too much suffering alone."

It is vulnerable to be witnessed. It is a tremendous gift to be a witness for others.?

I'm not saying that either role is easy. It takes courage to be witnessed. It takes compassion and discipline to be a witness. In both cases, hearts are opened a little wider, a little deeper. Light shines in the cracks, making us whole again.?

What are your stories of being witnessed and made whole again?