Love or Respect: The Foundation of Lasting Relationships

We’ve all heard the old saying, “All you need is love.” It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? Simple, romantic, and utterly wrong. Now, before you accuse me of being a cynical killjoy, hear me out. Love is great. It’s wonderful. It’s the stuff of songs and poems and epic tales. But when it comes to building a lasting relationship, particularly a marriage, love alone just doesn’t cut it. What you need, what truly matters in the long run, is respect.

Think about it. How many times have you heard of a marriage falling apart despite the couple swearing they still love each other? Love has destroyed millions of marriages all over the world. But respect? Respect has never destroyed anything. So, the simple answer is that respect is more important.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But love is supposed to conquer all!” Well, let me tell you something — love is easy. It’s easy to love someone who loves you back or someone who’s inherently loveable. There’s nothing intense or strong or stable about it because, at its core, love is an emotion, and emotions are fickle.

Emotions need to be fickle because that’s what gives them their excitement. “How about now? You love me now?” There’s an excitement to love precisely because it’s unstable. If it becomes stable, it becomes boring. Unconditional love? That’s not love at all. Unconditional love means my feelings never change, which means there aren’t any feelings anymore.

Respect, on the other hand, is not an emotion. It can be stable. It can be consistent. It can be strong. And it can give a marriage the stability and strength it needs to weather the storms of life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying love isn’t important. Love is like the spice in a dish — it adds flavour, excitement, and that special zing. But you can’t live on spices alone. You need substance, and in relationships, that substance is respect.

This idea isn’t new. Throughout history, thinkers and philosophers have grappled with the complexities of human relationships. The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, for instance, spoke of philia — a deep, mutual friendship based on goodwill, loyalty, and respect. He considered this type of love to be more virtuous than eros, or passionate love because it was based on choice rather than emotion.

Fast forward to the 20th century, and we find psychologist Erich Fromm exploring similar ideas in his book “The Art of Loving.” Fromm argued that love is not just a feeling, but an art that requires knowledge and effort. He emphasized the importance of respect in love, writing, “Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.” This active concern, this commitment to another’s well-being and growth, is at the heart of respect.

Even in the realm of pop culture, we find echoes of this idea. Take, for example, the words of Tina Turner in her hit song “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” She sings, “What’s love but a second-hand emotion?” It’s a provocative question that challenges our romanticized notions of love and hints at the need for something more substantial in our relationships.

But let’s bring it back to the personal level. Think about your relationships — not just romantic ones, but friendships, family relationships, and even work relationships. Which ones have lasted the longest? Which ones do you value the most? I’d bet that in most cases, it’s the ones where there’s mutual respect.

Respect forms the bedrock of trust, communication, and understanding. When you respect someone, you value their opinions, even when you disagree. You consider their feelings and needs, not just your own. You admire their qualities and accomplishments. And importantly, you treat them with kindness and consideration, not because of how you feel about them at the moment, but because that’s the right thing to do.

Love, in contrast, can be selfish. It can be demanding. It can be blind to faults and deaf to reason. How many times have you heard someone say, “I know he treats me badly, but I love him”? Love without respect is a recipe for disaster.

The psychiatrist M. Scott Peck touched on this in his book “The Road Less Traveled.” He defined love not as a feeling, but as an action: “the will to extend one’s self to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” This definition aligns closely with the concept of respect. It’s about actively choosing to support and uplift another person, regardless of how you feel in the moment.

Now, some might argue that this view of love versus respect is too clinical, too devoid of passion. But I’d argue that it’s the key to keeping passion alive in the long term. When you respect your partner, when you actively choose to honour and support them day after day, you create a strong foundation of trust and security. And it’s on that foundation that true intimacy can flourish.

Think of it this way: emotions are like waves. They rise and fall, sometimes gentle, sometimes stormy. Love is like riding those waves — thrilling, but unpredictable. Respect is like building a sturdy ship. It might not give you the immediate rush of riding a wave, but it’ll keep you afloat no matter what the emotional weather brings.

The Lebanese-American poet Kahlil Gibran captured this beautifully in “The Prophet” when he wrote about marriage: “Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” This image of love as a moving sea, with respect as the steady shores, perfectly encapsulates the balance we should strive for in our relationships.

So what does this mean for our everyday lives? It means shifting our focus from grand romantic gestures to consistent acts of respect. It means listening actively, even when we’re tired or distracted. It means honouring our commitments, even when we don’t feel like it. It means acknowledging our partner’s achievements and supporting their goals, even if they’re different from our own.

It also means respecting ourselves. After all, how can we truly respect others if we don’t respect ourselves? This self-respect forms the foundation for all our other relationships. As the philosopher Ayn Rand put it, “To say ‘I love you’ one must first know how to say the ‘I’.”

Respect is the relationship, and love is the perk. Respect provides the stable ground on which love can dance. It’s the rich soil in which love can take root and grow. Without it, love is just a fleeting emotion, beautiful but insubstantial, like a soap bubble that shimmers for a moment before bursting.

So the next time you’re swept up in the excitement of new love, or struggling with the challenges of a long-term relationship, take a step back. Ask yourself not just “Do I love this person?” but “Do I respect them? Do they respect me?” Because in the grand equation of lasting relationships, respect isn’t just important — it’s essential.

Remember, emotions are flavours. They can sizzle and spark, but they can’t keep a relationship going on their own. They can only spice up a healthy relationship. Respect is the meat and potatoes, the substance that keeps you going day after day. Love might be what gets you to the altar, but respect is what keeps you there, year after year, through better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.

In the end, respect might not make for as many hit songs or blockbuster movies as love does. But in the real world, in the day-to-day work of building a life with another person, respect proves time and again to be the stronger foundation. It’s the quiet force that keeps couples together through thick and thin, that allows for both individual growth and shared experiences, and that turns the spark of attraction into the steady flame of a lasting partnership.