Love-Making Prescription: Fix the Problem, Not the Blame...

Replace blame with the benefit of the doubt.?Studies have shown that in new love, neural pathway circuits of social judgment are suppressed.

?Do you recall being blamed or blaming as you were falling in love?

?Likely not. Make a conscious choice to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, let go of quick judgments, and try not to take things personally.

Try mindful reflection.?When you are blaming your partner for something, pause and ask yourself, “How big do I really want to make this?”

Most things we fret over in life are either an illusion or insignificant. If you deem it important, then there are effective ways to communicate without bashing each other.

Try the boomerang back exercise.?One of the most important coping strategies in Dr. Phil’s book?Relationship Rescue?is refocusing your attention on what you are responsible for and in control of.

When pointing a finger at your partner, try bringing it back to you, not as a way to self-berate but to regain self-focus, composure, and insight. You may find that you are experiencing the “shadow effect”:

What you are blaming your partner for is actually something you judge yourself harshly for and try to avoid. What gets under our skin and causes us to overreact is often something we may not want to see or cannot tolerate in ourselves.

The next time you find yourself in a gridlock of blame and defensive responses, here’s an active-listening dialogue technique that helps bust through misunderstandings and elicit reconnection.

Disclaimer:?The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for?general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate.?

Thank?you …Rather than debating who is right or wrong, each person shares—uninterrupted—what the conflictual event sounded, looked, and felt like to them. The only purpose is to listen to each other by standing in your partner’s shoes.

What inevitably happens is that an expression of anger, disappointment, or frustration turns into “soft eyes” as the person listening has an aha moment of understanding what they previously misunderstood.?

Choosing to reunite instead of being right is more fulfilling than the stubborn standstill of mutual misery.

Employ the power of apology.?With relationship conflict, the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle. The power of ownership goes a very long way toward forgiveness, acceptance, and healing. Rather than waiting for your partner to apologize, go first, saying, “I’m so sorry for my part in….”

While you can hope for mutual reflection and ownership, stay in your lane and let go of the expectation that your partner will apologize next.

If it comes, which it often does, great. If not, then at least you can stand steady, in peace and with a clear conscience.

Want to add word or two?

Ask rather than assuming.?Most conflict comes from misunderstanding and misguided assumptions.

During one couple’s session, a woman was expressing dissatisfaction that she didn’t hear from her boyfriend enough when he was away on business, and she assumed, “If I were important enough to you, you would call more often.”

He nicely said, “When you do not hear from me, please think the best of me.” He went on to explain why he wasn’t able to call frequently, which was quite different from her fearful assumption.

Your comment ….?

?The next time you find yourself jumping to conclusions, try pausing and expressing something like “I’d like to get clarity” or “I’d like to check in and clear something up together.”

This is similar to choosing a perception that assumes innocence versus guilt.

Use the AMOR method.?People are often afraid to speak their truth for fear of confrontation. Being confrontational carries a negative association—the idea that sharing feelings or requests directly may just bring more conflict, rejection, judgment, or abandonment.

?Fixing the problem usually entails having conversations that can feel hard. This method is helpful when confronting that which deserves acknowledgement:

Affirm: Begin with a positive, such as “I know you love me and never want to see me unhappy, which I appreciate so much.”

Message: Share what may be difficult to say and hear:

“Sometimes I want to talk with you and have you listened without telling me what I should do or how I should feel. When that happens, I just shut down.”

Overcome: “If you could just listen, hold me sometimes if I need it, and let me know that you hear me and understand, that would feel so good and help us overcome this pattern so that we can feel even closer.”

Resolution, redemption, renewal: When you can convey feelings that were previously difficult to share or convey an intimidating request for a change in behavior, this method will help your partner listen without feeling threatened or blamed and set you both up for greater success in understanding and connecting with one another.

Results in:?increased intimacy and heightened humility, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, empathy, and growth.