A Love Letter to Anguish

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” ~~ John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I’ve experienced anguish.? Three.? The first two times I was not wise enough to understand it was anguish.? But the third time, this time, I can see it.

As I write this I am still in the midst of the anguish.? I am not yet on the other side, but I cannot put off talking about it any longer.?

Anguish is different from distress and sadness.? Anguish hits you deeper, to the depths of your bones.? Anguish is pain.? And anguish can only occur after something great has happened.? Without extreme joy and profound love, anguish cannot exist.? That is the blessing of anguish.? It is the result of something great.

Perhaps you’re curious why I am writing about anguish in a business article.? The simplest explanation I can give is that I don’t know how else to tell the story.? ? Business does not exist within four walls.? Business is this living and breathing thing.? We build relationships, we learn, we grow, we fail, and we change as the business changes.? Business is as much about life as anything else we do.

Business changes us.? The same way that relationships change us.? Sometimes for the better.? Sometimes not.

For over seven years Corey has been my best friend.? We’ve been through a lot of battles together, always fighting for the same side.? When we worked in corporate America, we were fighting for our team and the little guy.? For what was right.? In consulting we were fighting for our clients. And when we started SB PACE we were fighting against big business, the government, shitty coaches, and gurus.

We’ve written a best selling book together (that’ll test any relationship).? We’ve recorded over 200 podcast episodes. Written over 200 blogs.? We recorded and released 365 days in a row of videos on how to be stronger entrepreneurs.? We did over 20 live radio shows together.? And we built two businesses.? We did that together.

Regardless of what we have built together, Corey has always had a bigger dream than SB PACE

His lifelong dream was to open a restaurant and this past May that dream came true.? Corey opened Cabo Fish Taco.? Since January I have been taking more responsibility for SB PACE and Certivium. That responsibility increased as the opening of the restaurant grew closer.?

I have lived most of this year in a weird place, excited and happy for him.? Sad for me.? I miss him in the day to day business, and more importantly I missed my friend.? Running a restaurant is very different from running SB PACE.? It’s a different kind of demand.? His entire life savings are in that restaurant.? That’s his future.?

SB PACE and Certivium are mine.?

We used to joke all the time about how frequently we said “being a small business owner is hard”.? It’s such an obvious statement. ? Equally obvious, it’s stressful as hell.? It will grind you down to a nub if you let it.? It will harden you.? Owning a business leaves you feeling completely gutted at times.? You question if you’re built for the day to day emotional highs and lows.

As I was fighting for the survival of the businesses Corey and I had built together, he was focused on his restaurant.? His stress was mounting over all the things that had to be handled inside of Cabo.? Mine was mounting over everything that had to happen with SB PACE and Certivium.? How was I going to manage it?? Was I capable of managing it?? If you ever want to find out how tough you are, start a business.

Unresolved stress doesn’t display itself in a? positive way. It comes out sideways.? Anger.? Frustration.? Bitterness.? Resentment.

Corey has always been this incredibly complex yet overly simple human being.? He is easily one of my favorite people on the entire planet.? He makes me laugh, he challenges me, and he pushes me to be better.

And sometimes he crushes me.?

About that anguish.? I recognize that many of these words will mean nothing, but to me, at this moment, they mean everything.

Almost a month ago Corey made the decision to leave both of our businesses, our podcast, and our radio show. ? The ax in my forehead was the weekly live radio show.? We are under contract until the end of December, so quitting in total isn’t an option.? I’ve been having friends fill in as guest co-hosts since late July.

BizQuik podcast is scheduled to start its 4th season in September.? I’m still working through what that’s going to look like.

As for SB PACE and Certivium, well - we are business as usual.? I’ve got a great team with Stacy and Frances.? And our network is filled with people that I can turn to if I need some help.

I never thought there would come a day when Corey wouldn’t be part of the businesses. I can’t tell you how many times we had a conversation about how we would never end up like other people who start a business together and then one of them quits.?

“That’s not going to happen to us”

And yet here we are, 2.5 years into business and it’s happening.? I know I can run the businesses.? I have the benefit of being the face of SB PACE since the beginning.? That’s not the challenge for me.? The challenge is I loved having Corey as a business partner.? He was the perfect calm to my storm. The logic to my creativity.? The NO to my YES.? The process to my chaos.

And I miss the friendship.? We haven’t spoken in weeks, closer to months at this point.? Our last conversation was not great.? The stress of it all weighing heavy on both of us.? We fought and both needed some space.? I can't say how much space because we’re still in it.?

SB PACE, Certivium, BizQuik, and Defeat the Chaos would not have come into existence without Corey.? They will exist after Corey, but they would not have been born without him.

I wouldn’t change anything.? I have loved the last 2.5 years.? Despite the stress, the anxiety, and the challenges.? And I will forever be grateful for all I have learned, for the laughter, and for the adventures.? I have no idea what the future holds, I just know that the present requires willful surrender and tremendous gratitude.?

Like I said earlier, business does not exist within four walls.? It lives and breathes.? It changes over time, ever evolving like the rocks at the bottom of a river. As humans we are given the opportunity to move onto the next thing.? That happens in business and personal.? With families and friends.? For today, this all feels so sudden, so abrupt. But the reality is, it's been coming for awhile.? The entire team at SB PACE and Certivium is working through this together.? I suspect our businesses will look very different 12 months from now.? But one thing that will not change is our commitment to our clients.? We are transforming in positive ways, even if we can’t see the full picture today.

As for the anguish, I would not feel it if it wasn’t such an incredible journey from the start. ? And for that, I am grateful.

Understanding all this is what allows me to feel the anguish and continue on.?

Thank you for taking the time to read.?