A Love Letter to All the People I’ve Hated

You may cry many times in your life, but you can only count on it happening once. When you discover who you really are.

I say this because I witness that revelation almost every day. Not because I am a glutton for punishment. Quite the opposite. Because I have the honor and joy of teaching “Becoming You” at NYU Stern, a class expressly designed to help students understand themselves – often underneath it all.

The whole “Becoming You” process is paved with eurekas for those going through it, but one in particular always leaves me gobsmacked. It’s when students are asked to identify the four people who have most influenced them in their lives.

“Is it OK to list someone who you don’t love – or even like?”

I hear this question, in one form or another, every single time. To which I reply, “It is absolutely OK.” The truth is, sometimes our strongest, most important influences are the people we choose to define ourselves in opposition to. They are the ones that teach us who we do not want to be, and sometimes that’s as bright a beacon, or a brighter one, than the one our role models shine.?

As for myself, I’ve come to love them all, these dark guides.?

Out of gratitude.

The boss at the Miami Herald who believed all young reporters needed to be broken before he could rebuild them in his tough guy mode. Thank you for showing me the importance of pouring confidence and affection into the young women and men I am blessed enough to lead.

The co-workers at the Harvard Business Review who demanded I be fired for falling in love with my husband Jack while on the job.? Thank you for teaching me that when you are a leader, your employees don’t care about your personal happiness, nor should they.?

The grandmother, shown with me above, whose amazing, inspiring, even radical life was marred by bitterness to those who she felt wronged her along the way. Thank you, Nana, for teaching me that forgiveness really does set you free.?

Oh, this list could go on and on! Although, in my dotage, it is shorter than ever. Because as soon as I feel hate toward anyone now, I try to ask myself, “I see the teacher. What’s the lesson?”

I’m not going to end this by asking if you hate someone. If you’re a human being, you do. Or you have.??

I’m just going to ask if you’ve thanked them yet, at least in your heart, for what they’ve taught you about who you really are.

And who you want to be, for what they’ve taught you, as no one else ever could.

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