Love or Fear: Depression and the Holidays

We are all human and searching for love – or at minimum, a temporary relief from the pain.

For Barbie: A beautiful, sweet soul

My ex-husband’s sister died this week. At the age of 58, she committed suicide. Her family is at a loss; for words, emotion, connectedness. Her name was Barbara, but I knew her for 23 years as Barbie; a bubbly, sweet, innocent soul. Throughout life she struggled with mild learning challenges, (dyslexia and auditory processing challenges that no one really knew how to diagnose or repair in the 1950s).These impacted her sense of self-worth and determined her place in this world.

I knew Barbie as a beautiful, kind and talented artist. She lived in Colorado with her 2nd husband. They married in 1990, two years after I married her brother. Life was never easy for Barbie. After high school, she spent a little time at Tarkio College. When I met her, she had a 4 year old son and a job that allowed her to bring him to work; she drove a school bus twice a day with her young son always in sight, sitting and playing on the bench seat behind her. The students loved her. She was bubbly and happy. Her sisters (there were 4), either brighter, more beautiful or just simply bigger (in personality), seemed to dwarf Barbie at family gatherings. But when they shared time alone, just one-on-one, there was a bond (different for each pair), that was nurturing and patient and sweet to behold.

Everyone cared for Barbie.  She laughed at our jokes, sometimes needing them explained, and never judged.  According to Barbie, everyone’s hair looked great, clothes matched perfectly (although she could add a scarf or necklace that topped everything off) and she was happy for her sister’s and brother’s success - displayed in cars and homes and things.  After marriage, she had time to focus on creating beautifully delicate drawings and jewelry. I’ve kept all the handmade cards and letters and jewelry and I’ll always treasure them and the time I had with her.  She will be missed by many.

In addition to mild learning challenges, Barbie struggled with anxiety and depression.  These are common struggles for many of our friends and family these days.  So common that news reports tell us 1 in 4 women take anti-depressant or other psychiatric medication (Abilify is the most often prescribed medication – of ALL medications – just not psychiatric meds. It is used to treat anxiety or depression or bi-polar disorder.) I don’t know if Barbie took Abilify, that’s not my point. Barbie had taken some type of medication for her depression in the past, but had stopped this past summer.  Then, a few weeks ago, under her physician’s guidance, she began the medication again.  It was during this time that she committed suicide.  According to my colleagues in the field of psychology, this is the most common time for suicide.

And another study from: tells us that up to 2/3 of the patients (mostly female) taking anti-depressants do not meet the DSM-4 criteria for depression.  According to the research, among the users of antidepressant medications, 69 percent never met the diagnostic criteria for major depressive disorder (MDD), and 38 percent also never met those for obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, social phobia, or generalized anxiety disorder – for which the antidepressant medications are sometimes prescribed.

And if those statistics aren’t disturbing enough, a study released this week finds an 87% increase in the risk for children born with autism to mothers who take anti-depressants during pregnancy. The prevalence of autism is now 1 in 45 children.

It’s time we step back and ask ourselves, What on earth are we doing?!?

Smiling through the Pain:

I don’t know Barbie’s recent history and struggle with depression and medication.  I divorced her brother 6 years ago and with that, lost touch with the family.  I do know, from photos in recent years that her eyes had lost their shine and luster. She had developed what is called “masked facies” or Hipomimia.  The facial appearance of reduced emotion, even when smiling.  Or, in Barbie’s case, a smiling face that masks the pain. In the early stages, it’s revealed more in the eyes than in the lack of a smile.  And it’s so common these days that you might have a difficult time recognizing it.  But your gut knows when you see it.  When people have genuine contentment or joy, you find illumined eyes (and accompanying crow's feet) that smile along with the crescent curve of the mouth.  It’s the look we get when we have a good, happy belly laugh.

We see these faces this time of year; at work, school, the mall, at the office party and at church.  It’s impossible to hide.  It’s in their eyes and you feel it in your gut.

To be continued or follow link for Part II (Of Love or Fear) here