Love is a Decision, Commitment is a Choice

Imagine this: "Love is an action, never simply a feeling," as bell hooks shared in All About Love: New Visions (p. 4, 2000). Think about those words, let them linger for a moment. Love as an action. Simple, right? Yet most of us are drawn into the fantasy of love—hearts racing, sparks flying, feeling like the universe has finally put us in the right place. But what happens when those sparks fade, when the rhythm slows, and you’re left staring into the eyes of someone real—someone with flaws, quirks, and imperfections? It’s in those moments that love changes from a whimsical feeling into a brave choice. A choice where you look at them and say, “Today, I’m choosing you, even though it’s hard, even though I’m exhausted, even though running away seems easier.” That’s where true love begins—when it becomes a choice, not just a feeling.

The Problem: When Feelings Are Fleeting, The Fantasy Fades

Take a deep breath, and let’s get real for a second. We live in a world that’s addicted to feelings. We’re taught that love should always feel like it did on that first date, with butterflies in our stomach and stars in our eyes. But here’s the thing—feelings are like waves. They surge, they crash, they recede. They’re powerful, yes, but they’re never consistent. They rise, fall, and sometimes they just disappear. And when those waves are gone, you’re left standing on the shore, wondering, “Is this still love?”

Without actions—consistent, intentional actions—those feelings can’t hold you steady. They can’t anchor you when the waters get rough. The challenge, then, is to choose love and commitment when the waves are calm and especially when the storm hits. It’s not about waiting for the calm; it’s about building a shelter that can withstand the chaos.

The Solution: Choosing Love and Commitment—Daily, Not Just Once

Imagine, for a moment, a life where love is something you choose, not something you stumble into. What if every day, you made the decision to show up, to love, and to commit? Here’s how you can turn love into a lasting decision:

1. Gratitude—The Compass for Connection: Close your eyes and think of one thing that makes you grateful for your partner right now. Tony Robbins, in Awaken the Giant Within (p. 262, 1991), says, “When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.” Feel that shift? That’s what gratitude does. It’s like a spotlight in a dark room—it guides you back to what matters. Each morning, choose one reason you’re thankful for your partner. Maybe it’s the way they laugh, their gentle touch, or even how they remember your coffee order. Gratitude is the fuel that keeps love alive, even when the engine sputters.
2. Show Up When It’s Hard—Especially When It’s Hard: Take a deep breath, and picture this: a time when you felt disconnected, frustrated, maybe even ready to give up. What if, in that moment, you chose to sit down, to listen, to stay? Choosing to show up when everything inside you says to walk away is like building a bridge instead of digging a trench. When you say, “I’m here, I’m listening, I’m not going anywhere,” you shift the energy. You turn conflict into connection, and you build a love that’s unbreakable.
3. Small Promises, Big Impact: Think about the last time someone followed through on a promise they made to you. Remember that feeling? It’s the foundation of trust. Now, imagine if you made a habit of keeping those small promises with your partner. “I’ll call when I get in.” “I’ll pick up your favorite snack.” It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about proving, day in and day out, “You can rely on me.” Those little promises become the bedrock of your relationship, the threads that weave trust into the fabric of your lives.
4. Prioritize Connection, Even in the Chaos: Let’s slow down for a second. Life can feel like a never-ending sprint, right? Work deadlines, family obligations, stress piling up like dirty laundry. But what if you hit pause, just for a moment, and made space for each other? A walk, a shared cup of tea, a conversation without distractions. Imagine what that would feel like—to look into their eyes and know that, despite the whirlwind around you, you’ve made time for them. Those moments of connection are the lifelines that keep love thriving.
5. Apologize and Forgive, Fully and Freely: Now, let’s dig deeper. Think about a time when you clung to resentment, held onto anger like a shield. How heavy did that feel? C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity (p. 120, 1952), writes, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” Imagine how light you’d feel if you let go, if you forgave. When you say, “I’m sorry,” and mean it, or when you decide to forgive, you’re releasing the chains that keep your relationship stuck. You’re choosing freedom, not just for them, but for yourself.

Reflection: Are You Ready to Choose?

Now, take a moment to let this sink in. What would happen if you viewed love as a choice you make every day? Not as something you fall into, but as something you build? Think about it—how different would your relationships feel if you made a habit of choosing love, choosing commitment, even when it’s not easy? Imagine the kind of strength, the depth, the resilience you’d create.

Close your eyes and visualize: waking up each day, deciding to show up, deciding to stay, deciding to give even when you feel empty. Can you feel the power in that? Can you sense how choosing love might transform the way you connect, how you grow, and how you heal? Picture the version of yourself who makes those choices—the one who refuses to be carried by the tide of fleeting emotions and instead stands steady, grounded in the decision to love.

Your Next Step: Choosing Love, Choosing Strength

Now is your time. Take a deep breath and let the weight of this moment fill your lungs. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances,” Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning (p. 104, 1946). In love, you hold that same freedom. You get to decide whether to keep love alive through the mundane and the miraculous, through the messy and the magical.

Today, make the choice. Choose to stay when it’s easier to leave. Choose to listen when it’s easier to close off. Choose to love when it feels impossible. Because in those choices, you’ll find a love that’s stronger than fear, deeper than doubt, and richer than any fairytale. That’s where true love lives—in the decision, in the commitment, and in the everyday act of choosing each other. And as you do, you’ll find that what you’ve built is not just a relationship—but a legacy of love that endures.

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