LOVE COMMANDS FOR MARRIAGE

LOVE COMMANDS FOR MARITAL COMMUNICATION

By A. Alfred Horsford

A husband was reading the newspaper and told his wife, "This article says that a woman speaks 30,000 words per day, while a man only speaks 15,000 words." 

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."

The husband looked up from reading the newspaper and asked, "What?" 

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Communication Problem

A woman went to a lawyer and said she wanted a divorce. The lawyer got out his note pad, and proceeded to ask her some questions.

“Do you have any grounds?” he inquired.

“Oh, yes,” she replied. “About three-quarters of an acre.”

The lawyer paused for a moment, then queried, “Do you have a grudge?”

“No,” the woman answered quickly. “But we do have a lovely carport.”

Again the lawyer paused and then asked, “Does he beat you up?”

“No. I get up before he does every morning,” the woman reported.

Finally the lawyer blurted, “Lady, why do you want to divorce your husband?”

“It’s because,” she explained, “that man can’t carry on an intelligent conversation.”

Communication is one of the major causes of marital conflict. Before saying I do couples have so much to talk about and often they are able to do so without difficulty. However, after marriage they seem to lose the capacity for communication. Not long after the wedding they press the mute button and the relationship is placed on silent mode.

Lack of communication causes misunderstanding in the marriage relationship. Misunderstanding in words and body language convey destructive meanings that undermine a marriage rather than build it up.

In the Holy Scriptures marriage and the church are seen as metaphors of each other. The Apostle Paul speaks of marriage in Ephesians 5 and then near to the end of his discourse says, “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church.” Both the church and marriage have to do with relationships and relationships thrive on communication. God has given to the church and to marriage the means of communication through what is known as the one-another commands. These commands enable marriage partners to communicate love one to the other because they comprise the language of love. I have entitled them LOVE COMMANDS FOR MARITAL COMMUNICATION.

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While fifteen of these commands simply state that we should “love one another,” the other twenty-four tell us how to do it. They spell out the language of love in detail as they tell us how to use it. Some of these commands have to do with speech while others require bodily actions. These love commands for communication in marriage form a language which contains twenty-four letters in its alphabet that run from A to S.

1.   Accept one another

The word,  ACCEPT, contains the secret of a good marriage. 

Attraction 

Communication 

Commitment 

Enjoyment 

Purpose 

Trust 

(Author unknown)

A couple in a marriage must maintain mutual attraction the one to the other. This leads to the maintenance of continual communication and the deepening of commitment. As commitment depends there is greater enjoyment of the relationship and a sense of purpose. Mutual trust is enhanced as a consequence for where there is communication there is trust. Trust is especially fundamental to the marriage relationship. It is founded on truth to which the couple vowed in the marriage covenant. We trust someone because they have proven faithful. They have been consistent with truth. When trust breaks down in marriage it affects the entire family and indeed the wider society. The effects of betrayed trust are being felt all around us even now. Irreparable damage is down when couples veer away from their vows.

Acceptance of your mate just as they are can sometimes prove to be quite a challenge. It is easier to accept one another prior to marriage. The courtship period and the wedding may have been a dream but then the marriage often turns out to be a nightmare. For after they have settled down and the euphoria of the wedding and the novelty of the marriage wears off they suddenly realize that the person they married was not the person they thought they married. Either his beloved was hiding under a different personality in order to attract him or he misread the signals she was giving out all along. .The statement,“Love is blind,” may sound corny but it does contain some truth.

"Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener." --Leonard Ravenhill

(Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com)

He got weak-eyed Leah rather than beautiful Rachel. Then he quickly sets out on a crusade to change his mate rather than learn to love the person whom he married. We so easily forget that love means acceptance.

We should accept each other just as Christ accepted us. As his bride we are married to him. He accepted us as the sinners that we are and seeks to make us into the saints he wants us to be. When we came to him at the altar we sang,

Just as I am without one plea,

But that thy blood was shed for me;

And that thou biddest me come to thee

O Lamb of God I come.

But when it comes to our mate we have all kinds of pleas and all kinds of reasons why we should not accept them as they are. We hardly stop to think that they also might have reasons for not accepting us as we are. We tend to assume that we are models of perfection and if they could only be like we are there would be no problems in the relationship. We criticize their words and ways. He takes offense at the manner in which she squeezes the toothpaste. She is upset when he throws his socks in the corner of the living room. He cannot understand why she is always late for everything while she is upset at his loud snoring at night. The way he dresses, the way she cooks, the way he talks, the way she walks, all come in for criticism.

In marriage, a man and woman do not have to change each other. As they accept and love each other change comes automatically. Each endeavours to please the other out of love. They compete in loving each other and find novel and creative ways in doing so. For example: a note in his shirt pocket, a rose in her handbag, a bundle of anthuriums after work, or a bottle of perfume.

The effort to please each other is the instrument of change ordained by God. Love is the dynamic which drives that effort. Your marriage is an adventure, an experiment that demands flexibility and adaptation. You cannot get married to a person and remain static. Change will take place but it cannot be forced or imposed. It may be change for the worse before it becomes better. Change must be spontaneous and mutual.

In marriage you are building a composite or corporate personality. It takes two persons accepting each other and working together with God to construct the new entity of marriage. As you accept each other there will be a willingness to change in order to build the relationship. Accept your spouse and let God change them. He has a purpose in mind and possesses the manner and the means to effect the change. Each of you is a partner with him in the process but you must follow his direction. Our attitude should not be, “Change, then I will love you!” Rather it should be, “I love you, let us yield ourselves to the Lord that he might change us into the image of Christ and make our marriage into a portrait of the Trinity.” Change is for his glory and is not intended to satisfy our selfish desires. Acceptance of each other is a vital part of the communication process that moves the marriage along the path of the will of God.

Perfect Pictures of Marriage

          Dr. Howard Hendricks has said people get married with a picture in their minds of a perfect relationship. Then after a few trials, they discover they aren't married to a perfect picture, but an imperfect person. When this realization occurs, they will either tear up the picture or they will tear up the person.

(Kent Crockett, The 911 Handbook, Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2003, 86)

Changing Your Spouse

    A young bride-to-be was at the rehearsal for her wedding. She was nervous and having a hard time remembering what she was supposed to do when she walked down the aisle. The minister said, “Relax, it’s not hard. First, all you need to do is slowly walk down the aisle.  Second, walk straight at the altar.  Third, when get to the altar, turn and look at him—your husband to be.  If you’ll just remember those 3 things, you’ll do just fine.”

    The next day, everyone was seated at the church and it was time for her to walk down the aisle.  As the organist played the Wedding March, she walked down the aisle saying out loud, “Aisle. . .altar. . .him.  Aisle. . .altar. . .him.  I’ll alter him!”

   Thousands of brides have walked down the aisle saying the same thing—“I’ll alter him.  I’ll change him!” 

Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com

Sadly, some enter into an unequal yoke relationship or marry an alcoholic with hopes of changing him. They eventually find themselves trapped in a situation which they never anticipated and come to grief.

“The kind of marriage you make depends upon the kind of person you are. If you are a happy, well-adjusted person, the chances are your marriage will be a happy one. If you have made adjustments so far with more satisfaction than distress, you are likely to make your marriage and family adjustments satisfactorily. If you are discontented and bitter about your lot in life, you will have to change before you can expect to live happily ever after. “

Evelyn Duvall and Reuben Hill

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. 

Tom Mullen

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. 

Leo Tolstoy

Husband George weighs 500 pounds. A young woman, fascinated by this giant of a husband ask his wife is asked, “How do you do it?” The wife replies, “Love always finds a way.” As a wife she had learned to accept a husband whose size could not win him the Mr. Universe crown. Her love for him enabled her to accept him while at the same time finding a way in which they could enjoy their physical relationship together. The world may be blind to the possibilities but she could see them.

When a person feels accepted he learns to like and accept himself and will develop the confidence necessary to be a better person. The same is true of a woman. When your spouse feels accepted you will be amazed at the change that will come about in her and by extension in your marriage. What might be surprising is the change that will come about in you because of the changes in her. Likewise, as a wife loves her husband, and accepts him as he is while working with him to effect changes will be amazed at the results.

2. Admonish one another

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. (Col. 3:16)

Married partners should look out for each other. We should be extended eyes and ears to our spouses. God made Eve to be a help-meet to Adam. That is why women have more connections between the frontal lobes of their brain than men. We should not permit our mate to get into danger without warning them. We are our mate’s keeper and best friend. We function within God’s change process for our marriage by letting him work through us to warn or counsel our mate. You are your spouse’s alter ego or other self. Married people are true soul-mates. You see dimensions to your mate’s life that he may not be aware of. Each spouse is an antenna for the other. As we pick up vibes and signals we are to sensitize our mate that she/he might be protected from danger. A husband should not take umbrage or offense if his wife warns him about a flirt who likes to hang around him.

According to God’s word marriage mates are to be filled with the word of Christ in order to effectively admonish each other. The words of Christ are words of grace and truth which came from him. We are to speak the truth in love. Colossians 4:6 admonishes that our speech should always be with grace seasoned with salt. Men wondered at the gracious words which flowed from the lips of Christ. In Psalm 45:2, it is said that grace is poured into his lips. Let your lips exude his fragrance even as you admonish you mate.

Too often after a wife or husband gives an admonition the mate is left bruised, wounded, and poisoned. They have been so lashed and demoralized that they feel like they are nothing and can do nothing. They feel like a broken and discarded doll. Our tongue is such a deadly weapon that improper use of it can leave scars that take decades to heal. James warns us about its use in chapter 3 of his epistle. He says, “The tongue is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” Work on the heart and the tongue will be transformed.

 In Galatians 6:1, Paul admonishes that if someone fails we should restore them in the spirit of meekness, considering ourselves lest we also be tempted. This truth is of great significance in communication within the marriage relationship.

You should admonish your spouse in the spirit of humility and love. Do it in such a manner that they feel that you are on their team and will be encouraged to do better.

Pastor John Macarthur was innocently talking to a woman after church one day. His wife came beside him, calmly took him by the arm and led him away. She did not say a word. Her action conveyed admonition. Wives can smell danger a mile away.

Each mate should listen to the admonition given by the other and not get offended. Each should think carefully about what is being said. See your mate as a helpmeet and not as a humbug, an extension of yourself provided by God for your benefit.

In a story which I read in the papers some years ago, a man was due to travel by a schooner called Flight from Grenada to St. Vincent. Prior to his departure his wife came across a verse in Isaiah 52:12 which says, “Ye shall not go out with haste nor go by flight.” Taking this as a word from the Lord to her the woman warned her husband that he should not travel to St. Vincent by the schooner Flight. The man listened to his wife and cancelled his trip. Flight sailed without him and was never heard of again. It disappeared in the ocean somewhere between St. Vincent and Grenada. The husband must have rejoiced and trembled.

Matters could have been a lot different had he allowed his masculine pride to get in the way and arrogantly brush aside her admonition.

A friend of mine told me about a business venture into which he was being invited. He asked his wife to join him at a meeting with the potential partner in order to get her impression of the person. At the close of the meeting Susan said to her husband, “You can go ahead and deal with him; he’s okay.”

Never underestimate the intuition of a woman. She may not always be right but she is on target most of the time - so much the more when she is filled with the Holy Spirit.

3. Bear one another's burdens

Bear one other's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal. 6:2).

Some years ago I saw a caption in a book with a boy carrying another on his back. It was entitled, “He aint heavy, he’s my brother.”

Love finds it joyous rather than grievous in carrying the burden of its beloved.

We should share the cares and concerns of our mate by getting under their load with them, spiritually, physically and emotionally. This is especially necessary in an age of trauma such as ours. Shared cares ease burdens. No man or woman can carry alone the heavy demands life places upon them whether at home or at work. Marriage has its own peculiar burdens accentuated by the tensions of the times. What better place to engage in burden-bearing than in marriage!

Many couples enter into a relationship with burdens from childhood and adolescence. They bring in the bruises of child abuse, emotional as well as physical, into the relationship. When you marry a man or woman you marry the whole caboose – all that they are and all that they have experienced. We carry our baggage with us into our marriage. You did not just marry a beautiful or handsome face or body. You married a person. Worst of all you married a sinner like yourself, though saved by grace. You did not just marry a godly person; you married a person in process who has to resist with the world, the flesh, and the devil on a daily basis. They are not yet perfect. In fact, both marriage partners are “basket- cases,” according to Dr.Larry Crabbe. Each has holes and is leaking badly. And even though they have known Christ for a number of years you will find that they have a long way to go in terms of perfection.

In addition, you would need to bear the financial burdens of your mate. Their expenses are your expenses. You are influenced by their financial beliefs and practices. They may be a spindrift or a miser, a spender or a saver while you are the opposite. At the end of each month you will face a challenge when balancing the budget. You or your mate would tend to get needs and wants all mixed up. You would need to establish a financial policy and pray for grace to maintain it if you want peace in your home at month-end.

You also share your mate’s physical burdens. When sickness strikes, as indeed it will, you will bear more than the expenses of doctor’s bills; you will have to literally carry your spouse on your back or shoulder. You will also share their pain, certainly emotionally, if not physically. I have been there. I have had to carry my wife on my back when she was almost paralyzed. I have had to feed her and dress her as well as take her to the bathroom. When your spouse becomes pregnant, goes through labour pains, and gives birth - that is another story. You will have to take over the cooking, washing, shopping, etc.

The joke is told of a man who went into labour whenever his wife was having a baby. According to the story, the last time she was about to give birth he died of labour-pains!

You will also have to bear the spiritual burdens of your mate. You may be more advanced in the Christian life than she is. In fact, your mate may not even be saved. They would need patience and understanding if they are to grow in grace and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ, or come to trust in him as Saviour. You will have to put up with many expressions of the flesh while excising humility. You will need to exercise much faith in God and an abundance of love as you demonstrate a godly example before them. If you are the husband it would be necessary to lead the way in family bible study and prayer as well as share with your wife what you learning personally in your walk with God.

A pastor friend of mine got married to a young lady whom he thought was saved. O the burden he has since experienced! She does not serve as his spiritual soul-mate or a co-worker in the ministry.

One wife waited for 24 years before her husband came to know the Lord.

As you wait upon the Lord for the salvation or consecration of your mate God is using the process to develop your own Christian character. A difficult marriage is a marvellous crucible for molding and making a person into the image of Christ. It puts the exercise of the one-another commands to the supreme test. You have to trust God all the way as you endeavour to love and patiently endure until the change comes. Humbly wait on him as he prepares the way for the fulfillment of his spiritual goals for your mate and you.

Anna Leticia Waring who had her fill of suffering wrote:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater

He sendeth more strength when the labours increase;

To added affliction he addeth his mercy

To multiplied trials his multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done;

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving has only begun.

His love has no limit.

His grace has no measure

His power has no boundary known unto men;

For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

I Peter 5:7 exhort us, “Casting all your care upon him for he careth for you”

Psalm 55:22 adds that we should cast our burdens upon the Lord and he will sustain us. In Matt. 11:28-30, Jesus invites those who are burdened to come to him and find rest by taking his yoke upon themselves. As we bear the burdens of others we need to transfer them to the Lord lest we become overburdened by them.

God will give abundant grace to those of you who are enduring a difficult marriage if you would only ask him. See your circumstances as a training ground for your personal development. God gives us strength to bear the burdens of our mate. As we faithfully do so do we are communicating our love to them.

One young couple known to my wife and I have been having marital problems. He has struck and mistreated his wife in a number of ways even though they are believers in Christ. One day after a typical display of abuse he apologized to her and has since agreed with her that they should meet with me for counseling sessions. The Lord at times lifts the burden sooner than you expected.

4. Bear with one another

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love, Eph. 4:2

According to I Corinthians 13 one of the characteristics of love is that it bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. One of the reasons we have difficulty bearing with our mate is simply that we cannot stand ourselves at times. Some of us suffer from all kinds of neuroses or psychological disorders which are the products of our sinful nature, genetic make-up, or past experiences. However, as we learn to bear with others we learn to bear with ourselves. To bear with someone involves understand them, perceiving what makes them tick, to look beyond their faults and see their need. We are to love the person while tolerating their irritating behaviour.

Marriage is life’s most intimate relationship. Because two people in marriage are so close on a day to day basis they can easily rub each other the wrong way. Tolerance and forbearance must always be persistently exercised

We often hear some wives say to of their husbands, “I can’t stand him. He makes me sick!”

Learn to stand each other so you can stand together. You are in the same boat on the same seas, heading in the same direction so learn to live together. You covenanted to love each other for better for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and health as long as you both shall live. Why are you now complaining when you have the opportunity to fulfill your promise? Whatever happens in life, you promised to love. Draw upon God’s all sufficient grace for he is the Master Promise- Keeper.

One wife said to my wife and me some years ago: “I want out of this marriage.” She wanted to jump ship. When you jump ship you might just fall into the jaws of a shark or the mouth of a whale. Stay where God put has you! If you jump out you will be out of his will and without his protection and blessing for marriage is permanent and illustrates the faithfulness of God.

One wife even had the audacity to say that the Lord told her to leave her husband. How can God contradict his own command when he said that marriage is until death? “What God has joined together let not man put asunder”.

A couple in Colorado, U.S.A., friends of our son, were having marital problems. The wife left the marital home, divorced her husband, and went to live with another man across town.

Many a marriage has broken up because the partners are not willing to bear with each other. We need to be patient with our spouse because God is not finished with us or them as yet. Each of us is a work in progress. Wait until you see the masterpiece God is making. In Jeremiah 29:11 he says, “For I know the thoughts (plans) that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts (plans) of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end (a hope and an end).”

It is amazing that before marriage people enjoy the difference in each other. As they say, opposites attract. After marriage the things which attracted become the very source of irritation. Differences in personality should provide a challenge to demonstrate love. If it were easy to love those who are different from us then God would not have needed to command husbands to love their wives. You see, love is more than romance. It involves the will. It is a choice that we make. If a holy God could love sinners then by his grace we can love them too. And of course, they can love us too for we who are sinners ourselves whether we are a husband or a wife. 

Once there was a farmer in the U. S. who was having problems with dandelions, a flowering plant. He tried every means possible to destroy them but without success. They just kept right on spreading. Finally, he decided to contact the U. S. Department of Agriculture for advice. They gave him some suggestions which he also tried but all to no avail. He wrote back to them expressing his frustration. They replied, “We suggest that you learn to love them.”

If you cannot stand your mate then learn to love him/her. As you learn to love them you will soon wonder who really changed – them or you.

After conducting the funeral of a woman who had been married for fifty-nine years, Pastor Jimmy Latimer began a conversation with her husband. ”Fifty-nine years is a long time!” exclaimed Dr. Latimer. “Too.. (expletive) …long,” replied the man. “She was miserable!”

She was miserable and, by extension, he was miserable.

 Evidently this couple did not practice forbearance. On his part he merely endured a difficult marriage. Had he set out to love his wife the way a husband should she would have reciprocated because women are more responsive than men to tenderness. This is why God never commands a wife to love her husband. Once the husband loves the wife her love for him will be spontaneous. A loving word, a kind deed, a warm embrace can do wonders in transforming a difficult marriage. But somebody must take the initiative and it has to be the husband. Of course, in the case of an unequal yoke relationship where the husband is not a believer the onus falls on the wife to go the extra mile in helping to build a successful marriage employing biblical principles. God has provided grace for her to bear with her husband until by the power of God it becomes their love becomes mutual.

5. Build up one another

Therefore encourage one another and build one (edify) another up, just as you are doing. I Thess. 5:11

Communication in marriage must be geared toward building up our mate. We should minister to our mate with a view to their personal growth into maturity in Christ. Our words and attitudes should edify our spouse rather than exterminate them.

As I counsel couples sometimes I would encourage them to establish a vision or mission for their relationship. When you know where you are going in the relationship you will build accordingly. Those involved in management know that you start planning by looking at the future, where you want to be years down the road. In fact, those involved in construction do the same. They draw a plan of the house as it would be when it is finished.

Couples should work at building up each other so that they can grow and develop towards a stated marital goal.

Marriage Missions International has some great ideas on establishing a mission statement for your marriage:

Title: The Mission Of Your Marriage And Family

Step #1 Determine Your Core Values

Step #2. Discover Your Central Core Value

Step #3. Devise Your Family Mission Statement:

To encourage others to become like Christ through loving relationships,

healthy lifestyles, and stimulating experiences

Step #4 Develop Personal Habits

Habits of Our Home

We obey the Lord Jesus Christ.

We love, honor and pray for each other.

We tell the truth.

We consider one another’s interest ahead of our own.

We do not hurt each other with unkind words or deeds.

We speak quietly and respectfully to one another.

When someone is sorry, we forgive him.

When someone is happy, we rejoice with him.

When someone is sad, we comfort him.

When someone needs correction, we correct him in love.

When we have something nice to share, we share it.

We take good care of everything God has given us.

We do not create unnecessary work for others.

When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.

When we open something, we close it.

When we turn something on, we turn it off.

When we don’t know what to do, we ask.

When we take something out, we put it away.

When we make a mess, we clean it up.

We arrive on time.

We do what we say.

We finish what we start.

We say please and thank you.

When we go out, we act as if we are in this house.

When necessary, we accept discipline and instruction.

Building each other should take into consideration the vows that you made to each other. In our home our wedding vows have been designed on the computer, laminated, and a copy kept on the centre table in our living room.

You should build your marriage around those vows. How can you build a strong and lasting relationship when the very terms on which you were married are forgotten or ignored? If you have forgotten them ask your pastor for a copy from which you can make your own. Put it in a prominent place in the house and do not be ashamed to repeat it periodically. Use the vows from time to time in your communication with each other as you verbally express your love. Build up each other and your marriage on the Lord Jesus Christ always bearing in mind your wedding vows.

6. Care for one another

….That the members should have the same care one for another, 1 Cor. 12:25.

Caring is the language of love. Someone has said that, “Kindness is love with its working clothes on.” To be kind is to care. Each mate is a care-giver for the other. Care-giving is not limited to small children, invalids, and elderly folks. We all need it at times. Each of us is his brother or sister’s keeper. Each is a gift of God to the other. Care is the product of compassion. To be a helpmeet is to be a care-giver.

I Peter 5:7 tell us that we should be “Casting all your care on him for he careth for you.” Just as the Lord cares for us we should care for each other. It means that we should take a selfless interest in each other as spouses. That care involves ministering to the needs of each other, being sensitive to the concerns of each other. Care is reciprocal. Those who show it also receive it in return. According to one source, how we act towards our spouse has the biggest impact in our communication.

The Biggest Impact in Communication

·                 Verbal—what I say 7%

·                 Vocal—how I say it 38%

·                 Visual—how I look, act, etc. 55%

Source unknown

Remember to build each other up, to strengthen and sustain each other, to keep companionship alive and well. Remember to show dignity, respect; and understanding; not expecting perfection. Maintain a sense of humor as well a sense of what is sacred and serious; common purposes, common convictions, and the character to stay with a bargain, to keep a covenant - in these are the making of a good and solid marriage. 

Richard L. Evans

 7. Comfort one another

Therefore comfort one another with with these words. (1 Thess. 4:18)

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A husband had lost his job. Sad and disconsolate of heart he went home to break the news to his wife. To his amazement she replied, “Now you can do the thing you always enjoy doing. You can write.”

And so Nathaniel Hawthorne, the great American author began his illustrious literary career. Thank God for a wise and loving wife who knew what it meant to comfort her spouse. It brought him everlasting renown and she had the joy of sharing the glory. You never know how far a word of comfort can go. It can culture a character, carve a career, and determine a destiny.

We should speak words of comfort to our mate and empathize with them when they are saddened by the circumstances of life. The pressures and stresses of a busy work-a-day world often leave us wounded and bruised. We need to bind each other’s hurts, wipe each other’s tears, soothe each other’s pains, and calm each other’s fears. Wives should do so to husbands and husbands likewise to their wives.

One afternoon after school I violated this command. My wife entered the car with the burdens and cares of her teaching job upon her. Rather than be empathetic towards her I was critical. I helped to add to her burdens rather than comfort her. It is amazing at times how we can hurt one another and appear to be spiritual about it. What hypocrites we are! I am Number 1! Thank God we got matters sorted out before the evening was gone. I pledged from henceforth to bless my spouse rather than burden her.

To comfort means to speak to the heart of another person. God speaks to our hearts with words of comfort from the Holy Scriptures. Jesus said to his disciples: "These things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." In Hebrews 13:5, 6, the Lord assures us that he will never leave nor forsake us. He will be with us though we go through the valley of the shadow of death Psalm 23. “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear,”” says the Psalmist in Psa. 27:1.

As married couples we can comfort one another because we have been comforted and comfort is available in the word of God. We should regularly speak to each other’s heart. “A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” When we speak a word in season to our wife or husband how good it is! It brings healing, help, and hope to the harried, hounded, and hurting soul.

 I remember my wife praying sometimes, “Lord, I pray for Alfred that you would encourage him.” When she prays for me that way I could feel the warmth of encouragement flow in my heart. Other times when we face a difficult financial challenge she would say to me, “It is alright just go by my faith. The Lord will provide” When my faith is weak I can depend on hers. What comfort the Lord has used her to speak to my heart!

No matter how bold and strong a person may be it is often a mere front. If you could see the person on the inside you would get a different point of view. Each of us has a little child on the inside that yearns for an encouraging word when we stub our toe along the path of life. From time to time each of us, even the strong wife or husband, needs comfort. When we receive comfort from others we are in a better position to comfort others. By the comfort wherewith we are comforted by God (II Cor.1:4).

In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer. 

Norman Wright and Gary Oliver

8. Confess faults to one another

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (James 5:16).

We should be humble in our relationship toward our mate. This is most potently demonstrated as we confess our faults one to another. We should not act as if we have arrived morally and spiritually. We do not confess to one another for absolution but only when we have wronged one another or we need help in some area of our lives. Also, if some sin has been the cause of any physical illness confessing our faults one to another will bring healing as we combine it with prayer one for another. If you have wronged your mate then confession is the way to restore communion and communication.

In their book, The Language of Apology Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas suggest the following approach to an apology:

Express regret

Accept responsibility

Make restitution

Genuinely repent

Request forgiveness

Some years ago a young husband called me all distraught. His wife had confessed to him that she had committed adultery. He was wondering what to do about the situation. I said to him, “You need to forgive her.” I counseled further with him and prayed with him. Today they are enjoying a wonderful relationship and the past is under the blood.

Too many couples these days head for the divorce court once their partner is caught in adultery. Some innocent partners actually refuse to forgive and want to end the relationship. Adultery does not end a marriage. It tests the strength of it. It is the ultimate expression of unfaithfulness but it can be forgiven and the marriage can go on, sometimes on a stronger foundation. When you were being married you vowed “for better, for worse.” Death is not the worse thing in a marriage. Divorce is. If God could forgive Israel his unfaithful and estranged wife why shouldn’t we? If God could forgive our spiritual adultery and unfaithfulness why shouldn’t we forgive our mate?

Confession is a catharsis or cleanser for the marriage relationship. It keeps the atmosphere clean and light. Unconfessed sins bring heaviness into the home and opens the doorway to the devil. Confession indicates our commitment to truth and righteousness and expresses our determination to strengthen the marriage relationship.

9. Be Devoted To One Another

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. (Rom. 12:10a).

Our best friend should be our mate and not someone outside of the home. We should devote ourselves to the well-being of our mate. Loyalty to your spouse should be the strongest commitment, second only to loyalty to God. Not even your children should come between you and your wife or husband. Only of marriage it is said, “Till death do us part” and not of parenting.

Devotion in marriage is based on troth or truth. Truth is firmness or faithfulness and so is devotion to your mate. Your wedding vows are the expression of your troth or devotion. As I have said before keep them always before you. Write them out in bold letters and laminate them. Put them in a conspicuous place in your bedroom or living room to be a constant reminder of your covenant commitment.

The Ten Commandments summarized the covenant union between God and Israel. He had them written indelibly in stone. Similarly, our wedding vows should be written indelibly upon our hearts.

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent and it must be equal. 

Frank Pittman

The President of South Africa, who married three wives claims to love each of them equally. That did not stop him from having a child with another woman outside of his marriage.

The opposite of devotion is betrayal. When a man pledges his devotion to a woman in marriage and then finds comfort in the arms of another he has violated his vows and betrayed his wife. The bible warns that in our time men would be without natural affection, truce breakers. This has come to fruition in marriage big time.

Sadly, in the U.S., 50% of pastors have been divorced. It is not surprising when we considers that a high percentage feed on internet porn. Recently we have heard of a number of ministers who have gone down divorce trail. I do not care to mention names except to say pray for them and let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. When I heard of the fall of a famous TV evangelist some years ago I wept.

At the marriage we pledged to be faithful to our spouse and God, our mate, and society have the right to hold us to our promise.

My former College President, Dr. Robertson McQuilken resigned his job to take care of his Alzheimer-stricken wife. He kept the vows which he had made to her many years before -”for better for worse.” Some men would have put her in a nursing home and gone about their business as usual; but not this man of God. This act of devotion has endeared Dr. McQuilken to many in the Christian community. He has won their respect and admiration and served the cause of Christ well before the watching world. He has lived out what he taught me in his course on the Christian Life.

In his reflection, Let me get home before dark, he summarizes his sentiments regarding this matter of devotion:

Let Me Get Home before Dark

By Robertson McQuilkin

It’s sundown, Lord. The shadows of my life stretch back into the dimness of the years long spent. I fear not death, for that grim foe betrays himself at last, thrusting me forever into life: life with You, unsoiled and free. But I do fear. I fear the dark specter may come too soon–or do I mean too late? I fear that before I finish I might stain Your honor, shame Your name, grieve Your loving heart. Few, they tell me, finish well. Lord, let me get home before dark.

Will my life show the darkness of a spirit grown mean and small, fruit shriveled on the vine, bitter to the taste of my companions, a burden to be borne by those brave few who love me still? No, Lord, let the fruit grow lush and sweet, a joy to all who taste, a Spirit-sign of God at work, stronger, fuller. Brighter at the end. Lord, let me get home before dark.

Will it be the darkness of tattered gifts, rust-locked, half-spent, or ill-spent, a life that once was used of God now set aside? Grief for glories gone or fretting for a task God never gave? Mourning in the hollow chambers of memory, gazing on the faded banners of victories long gone? Cannot I run well until the end? Lord, let me get home before dark.

The outer me decays–I do not fret or ask reprieve. The ebbing strength but weans me from mother earth and grows me up for heaven. I do not cling to shadows cast by mortality. I do not patch the scaffold lent to build the real, eternal me. I do not clutch about me my cocoon, vainly struggling to hold hostage a free spirit pressing to be born.

But will I reach the gate in lingering pain–body distorted, grotesque? Or will it be a mind wandering untethered among light phantasies or grim terrors? Of Your grace, Father, I humbly ask…let me get home before dark.

Robertson McQuilkin is president emeritus of Columbia International University. This prayer is included in the introductory matter of the book, Make It Home Before Dark by Crawford W. Loritts, Jr., ? 2000 by Crawford W. Loritts, Jr. Moody Press. Used by permission.

This sentiment means a lot to my wife and me. We have already contracted with the Lord to take us home whenever we are in danger of dishonoring his name. We are in agreement with the author of the hymn, O Sacred head now wounded:

O make me thine forever; And should I fainting be,

Lord, let me never, never, outlive my love for thee.

Thornton Wilder says:

I didn't marry you because you were perfect. 

I didn't even marry you because I loved you. 

I married you because you gave me a promise. 

That promise made up for your faults. 

And the promise I gave you made up for mine. 

Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. 

And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise. 

Thornton Wilder

God’s faithfulness to us should be our model for devotion to each other as couples. His lovingkindness endures forever and his faithfulness to all generations. He will empower us to be devoted to him and to our marriage partners till death do us part.

10. Encourage one another

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thess. 5:11)

We need to hold up the hands of our mate. We should speak words of blessing rather than words of cursing. Compliment rather than criticize. Bless and do not curse. Family members should bless one another speaking what is good and helpful rather than that which is discouraging and destructive.

Aaron and Hur held up the hands of Moses as Israel battled Amalek, a type of the flesh. In our battle for truth and righteousness we need to encourage each other as married partners. The wife should encourage the husband to be a good leader and the husband should encourage the wife to be a good helpmeet. They also need encouragement as they carry other responsibilities whether it be relating to world of work in the wider world or in the home. When things are not going well and the family faces financial or physical problems they need to encourage each other. As Proverbs says, “A word in season, how good it is.” Encouragement or lack of it can make or break a person.

Encouragement is more than just a verbal expression it is also exhibited in coming alongside to lift up another. The wife or husband can lift up each other and help them over the next hump. Encouragement can also be given in terms of time spent with the other.

Jonathan visited his beloved friend David in a time of crisis and encouraged him. Comfort and encouragement go hand in hand in marriage and should be generously given to one another as spouses.

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. 

William Arthur Ward.

"I've hit the wall!" That was my first thought when I felt an intense tingling throughout my body. "This can't be happening now!" I pleaded with myself, "I still have eight miles to go!" But with each step, my body engaged in a war with my mind. On one side of the battle was that I had dreamed and trained for six months to complete a marathon. On the other side, however, was my body. At the eighteen mile marker I began to experience severe cramping in my calves.

My wife, Erin, found me at the next mile marker. Expecting to see me running along joyously, her first thought was that I was injured. After explaining my dilemma, all I could think about was quitting. In my mind, if I had to walk the remaining distance, my dream of "running" a marathon was over. As I struggled with each step, Erin said something I'll never forget: "I believe in you!"

Gary Smally

Everyone needs recognition for his accomplishments, but few people make the need known quite as clearly as the little boy who said to his father: "Let's play darts. I'll throw and you say 'Wonderful!'" 

Bits & Pieces, December 9, 1993, p. 24.

11. Forgive one another

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph. 4:32).

Forgiveness is the counterpart of confession. Without it confession is incomplete and unfilled. Without confession there is nothing to forgive. It indicates that the confession has been accepted. We need forgiveness all the time because we sin so often. In the family we offend one another more times than we can count. We offend God even more. Jesus said that we should forgive our brother seventy times seven! The same number applies to our mate; no less.

Forgiveness is perhaps the greatest demonstration of love short of giving your life for another. Marriage partners need to have a forgiving spirit. In the family forgiveness must never be missing from the medicine chest. It should be generously applied on every occasion. Nothing brings greater gladness to the heart than to know that we have been forgiven. That’s what David was rejoicing about in Psalm 32:1, 2 – the blessedness of forgiveness. Those who have experienced the blessedness of forgiveness should jump at every opportunity it to show it to others.

Too often a husband or a wife hold grudges or grievances that go back many years and spill out at the least opportunity, sometimes with devastating effects. What if God held grudges against us? Where would we be? The Psalmist says, “If thou, Lord, should mark iniquity who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee that thou mayest be feared.” Psalm 130:4

A husband in India had a beautiful wife but he lived with the fear that some other man would take her from him. One day he came home, opened his brief case, took out a container of acid and threw it in her face. She became scarred for life. He shortly left home and did not return for many years. By this time he was seriously ill and wanted his wife to take him in and care for him. She did; but this made her daughter very angry. She could not understand why her mother would want to help a husband who was so cruel to her.

Love forgives many times. Love forgives the worst of crimes. Love is communicated through forgiveness. God showed his love by forgiving those who murdered his one and only Son. On the day of Pentecost when Peter confronted the people with this sin they cried, “Men and brethren what shall we do?” “Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.”

Corrie ten Boom was preaching on forgiveness one day. At the ending of the meeting a gentleman came up to see her. He extended his hand and asked for her forgiveness. He was a former German guard in a Nazi concentration camp that had badly treated her sister. Corrie looked at him as deep emotions swept over her. How could she forgive a man like that after all the suffering he had caused her and her sister Betty who died in the camp? Remembering Calvary and drawing upon the grace of God Corrie took the man’s hand and assured him of her forgiveness.

When you find it hard to forgive your mate think of Calvary and what it cost God to provide for forgiveness your sins and mine. Since God forgives us of all of our sins we can forgive our mate of any sin.

12. Greet one another

Greet one another with a holy kiss. (Rom. 16:16).

We should not be indifferent to our mate’s presence. We should give due recognition to one another. We should acknowledge our mate on every occasion with an appropriate word, touch, hug, or kiss. A warm good morning or goodbye is always in order. We should be glad to see one another and to be together. At morning and at night, when going out or coming, we should express warmth to one another as spouses. A cheery smile, a kind word, a warm hug or kiss can make one’s day or serve as wonderful night-cap. No grunting or curt remarks, guys, should issue from our mouths. Grunting is for animals. God gave us the power of speech so that we can communicate and commune one with the other, especially in marriage. Let us make our mates always feel welcome with a godly greeting.

Different couples use different names to refer to each other. Terms such as honey, darling, sweetheart, dear, beloved, lover are typically examples. Endearing expressions are great ways to greet your mate. For my wife and I the operating term is honey. At night time before falling asleep, we would repeat to each other, “Good night, honey. I love you!” In the morning we would greet each other with a cheery “Good morning.” After dropping her off at work in the mornings there would be a goodbye kiss. Simple words and acts like these can fan the flame of love and stoke the fires of devotion. This is what it means to greet one another.

13. Be Honest with one another

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices . . . (Col. 3:9).

We should speak the truth to our mate for love involves trust. Marriage partners should be transparent in their relationship for marriage is a commitment to truth and faithfulness. Couples should be open and genuine in their communication with each other and not act with cunning and mistrust. Satan is the father of lies. Those who speak lies speak his language and lying is certainly the language of Satan.

Some marriage partners practice to tell so-called little lies to each other. The little lies grow into big lies and pretty soon you cannot tell the difference. Nothing undermines a relationship like deception. When you practice deception you will wake up one morning and find trust and devotion missing in your relationship. With nothing left it then becomes easy to leave.

Truth is the language of love. Speak it without fear. Those who make lies their refuges are not trusting in the God of truth. Dishonesty is really blasphemy because it does not take into consideration that God sees and knows all things. It is presuming divine ignorance. Besides it denies the existence of God and tarnishes his character as the Truth.

The unrighteous in the Psalms commits evil against he righteous and then claims that God neither sees nor knows. He who sees and knows all things will one day bring them to light. Payday comes come day.

The story is told of a man who would leave his marital home late at night and spend time with his concubine. He died of a heart-attack while in her home one early morning. Be sure your sin will find you out.

After Adam and Eve had sinned against God they began to hide from each other by making aprons of fig leaves. Further they tried to hide from God behind the bushes. When they were exposed by the confrontation with God the blame game started. Dishonesty sets up barriers and blocks communication. It puts a man or woman in bondage and on the defensive. It limits freedom of speech. Each has to be guarding their words lest the truth comes out.

Dishonesty is particularly common when there is infidelity in the relationship. One or the other wants to hide the truth about an extramarital affair. They lie about where they were or who they were with or what they were doing. As the poet says,

          O what a tangled web we weave

 When first we practice to deceive!

One little chorus says:

         Tell the truth, never tell a lie,

         O, tell the truth, ‘til the day you die.

Dishonesty undermines trust and breeds insecurity. It robs a couple of the joys of communion and stunts the growth of the relationship. Dishonesty places marriage on the fast forward track to destruction. When you start being dishonest to your mate you have begun a process that would be difficult to end except in great pain. You have to keep up the tough act of remembering what you last said to her in order to be consistent with what you will now say to her. You would have to maintain the same answer you gave her yesterday when she asked you that question. On the other hand when you tell the truth you do not have to remember what you said it will always be there because truth is firm and does not change.

Honesty is perhaps one of the most basic needs in marriage. Without honesty, problems that may destroy the relationship can lie hidden for years, building momentum, creating blocks to intimacy, and then suddenly surfacing larger than life to wreak destruction in your marriage.

Honesty is the foundation upon which all other aspects of marriage are built. When mates are honest with each other it opens the way to better understanding and enables them to relate to each other.   

“With honesty, you and your spouse are aware of each other’s weaknesses, and can work with together with that knowledge. Knowing and understanding the thoughtless things you might be inclined to do, allows you to take precautions to prevent them from happening.” Penny Tupy

14. Honor one another

Honor one another above yourselves. (Rom.12:10b).

Put your partner first. Do not grab the biggest piece of chicken in the dish or rush inside of the house first. If I buy a pen and my wife wants it is hers and no longer mine. If one egg is left in the fridge or one ripe banana is left on the kitchen counter it is hers and not mine. If I am going to the bathroom and she wants to use it I must let her go first.

Each family member should seek to put the other first. We should want for others what we want for ourselves. We should remember birthdays, special occasions, and anniversaries as a way of honouring one another.

We honour our spouse by speaking well of them before others. We honour them by recognizing their success or achievements as well as their good character traits.

Honouring your spouse also extends to her emotions according to David Delk. He says:

The Big Idea is this: Your wife's heart is a treasure, and God has entrusted it to you.  When a woman is not OK, she wants her husband to recognize it, then pursue her and listen to her heart. She wants us to honor her emotions.

Treat your wife with dignity and respect. Listen to her heart. Serve her and lead her to a greater love for Christ and for you. This is what marriage is all about.

(Honouring your Wife’s Emotions: Man in the Mirror, 2002, by David Delk)

In I Peter 3:7, husbands are exhorted to live with their wives according to knowledge giving honour unto her as the weaker vessel.

It takes knowledge to give honour, knowledge of a person’s feeling will lead us to the proper way to respond to them.

15. Be Hospitable to one another

Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. (1 Pet. 4:9).

Our hearts should be always open to our mate and our possessions available to them. Didn’t we pledge at the altar, “With this ring I thee wed and with all my worldly goods I thee endow?”

Spouses should be receptive and entertaining in their attitude one to another. They should make one another feel at home. This act goes back to the matter of accepting or receiving one another. We should make room for each other in our hearts and lives. We should feel at home in each other’s company. We should not find it grievous to meet the needs of each other. Sharing should be a motivating factor in the marital home.

According to Gladys Hunt, “Hospitality is more than a virtuous deed to be checked off a list; it is a mind-set toward life. The word hospitable means receiving guests or strangers warmly and generously; being favorably receptive and open to others. It is letting people into your home and into your life, and its ministry fits our human needs.”

(The Joy of being hospitable by Gladys Hunt, 1991, Discovery House Pubs., Grand Rapids)

If we receive strangers and guests warmly into our home how much more should we receive our own mates into our hearts! We should receive their efforts to be kind. We should receive the compliments they give. We should receive them as they are and meet their needs.

16. Be Kind to one another

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph. 4:32).

My heart is ever at your service. 

William Shakespeare

We should always show kindness to our mate both in word and deed. If we think kindly of them we will speak and act kindly towards them. Kindness should be expressed in word and deed. Kindness communicates love in marriage more than anything else does.

Little deeds of kindness, little words of love,

Make this earth an Eden like the heaven above.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain

Kindness, like a boomerang, always returns. ~Author Unknown

What this world needs is a new kind of army - the army of the kind. ~Cleveland Amory

Sherry and Bob Stritof write:

Without kindness in your relationship, your marriage won't last. Here are some ways

to check up on yourself to see how kind you are in your marriage:

·                You say "yes" a lot more than "no" when your spouse asks for a favor or for help.

· You are willing to share that last piece of pie or cookie because being kind is being generous.

·               You listen with your heart.

·               You don't interrupt your spouse.

·               You are polite and say "please" and "thank you" when speaking to your spouse.

·               You don't think it is old fashioned to open a heavy door for your spouse or to share your jacket if your mate is shivering.

·               You show respect for your mate.

·               You let your spouse know how much he/she is appreciated.

·               You don't roll your eyes when your spouse says something you disagree with or something you think is trivial or boring.

·               You routinely look for the good in your spouse.

·               You are helpful.

·               You don't allow unkind comments to flow from your lips.

·               You make sure that your teasing is fun and not hurtful.

17. Love one another

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have

loved you, so you must love one another. ... John 13:34

This summarizes the love commands. It encompasses all that a couple does to enhance and sustain their marriage relationship, particularly as they communicate the one with the other. All the other commands are ways of carrying out the love command.

Christian writers claim that there are four loves or dimensions to love:

Philia – social love (love's partnership)

This kind of love satisfies the interpersonal needs within the marriage. It is the love of companionship. Used in John 16:27 of God the Father loving his own because they love His Son. Also in John 21 with reference to Peter’s love for Christ.

Illus: Damon and Pythias

Illus: German shepherd dog called Capitan refuses to leave his master's grave six years after his death.

Eros – sexual or romantic love (Platonic) (love's passion)

Applied by Sigmund Freud as the motivation behind all human action. We live in an age and a society obsessed with sex.

This kind of love satisfies the sexual or emotional needs of a couple within the marriage. Eros love should not be missing from a marriage.

“Eros is the fulfillment of the physical sexual desire that a husband and wife show toward each other. It’s when “...the two ...become ONE FLESH” (Matthew 19:5).” (Marriage & Love Relationship: A complete Marriage)

Eros enters its own in Songs of Solomon. Chapter 4 & 5 is an eros scene. Do not turn to it until you get in bed. Eros moves from the head into the garden and the well guarded by the thighs and hips. The whole scene is scented with fragrance and no doubt accompanied with music real or imagined. The bride invites her groom into her garden and he acknowledges that he has accepted her invitation. He has eaten his honeycomb and drunk of his wine. The chorus sings “Bon appetite!” “Eat, friends, enjoy it.”

Eros or sexual romance is good, given by God for a married couple's enjoyment, instruction and worship. It is therefore fitting to say grace before meals and relax after the meal.

During a panel discussion on marriage the question was asked, “Why does the man fall asleep after love-making?” One pastor on the panel gave the answer. “”After God had finished his work he rested!”

Do not let the culture's concept of sex corrupt your perception of this beautiful gift from God or hinder your enjoyment of it in marriage. Everything that God has made is good and is to be received with thanksgiving and sanctified by prayer.

Eros must be cultivated. It is the cream in the milk of marital love. It can be affected by the circumstances of life. It is fully experienced when the other dimensions of love are fully operational. Many couples use aphrodisiacs such as Viagra and sea-foods to stimulate Eros. The best aphrodisiac is a loving relationship. It creates the perfect environment in which romance can flourish.

Storge – family love or natural love (love's patriotism)

This kind of love promotes the domestic relationship of the family.

It is not mentioned in the biblie but its antonym is. In II Tim. 3:3 it is the word astorge or without natural affection.

“Storge is a physical show of affection that results from a pure motive. It may be a hug, a kiss, or another expression of genuine affection. Because males are different than females, the wife usually needs this kind of love more from her husband. It is important for the husband to set aside his need of companionship and meet his wife’s main need, which is affection.”

With the downward spiral away from God, the bible, and traditional cultural norms and mores natural affection is being thrown aside. It is seen in the increasing abortion, broken marriages, parental irresponsibility and euthanasia that characterize our time. Parents and children, husbands and wive are often heartless in their attitude one toward another.

(Marriage & Love: A Complete Marriage)

Agape – sacrificial love (love's practice)

This kind of love satisfies the spiritual needs of the marriage and manifests itself in service to others. Agape love is God’s love for us and in us. It is the natural affection that each man person should have for another. It has nothing to do with attraction or liking another person. It is the love that motivates an individual to respond to the needs in the life of another. Agape love is the part of the expression of the image of God in man and is fundamental to all human relationships.

All four dimensions of love are present in marital love. However, agape is foundational. It stands when all else has fallen. It is the I Corinthians 13 kind of love.

When a man or woman falls in love it is not agape love that is the focus here but rather eros love. It is the love of attraction. It is that force that pulls you to one person rather than to another. That is why people can fall in and out of eros love. It is a mere romantic experience. If you fall into something it does not involve the will and leaves you helpless. That kind of love does not last and cannot sustain a marriage. Marriages built on eros love come to grief sooner or later, usually sooner. After you have spent a while with him or her you will soon discover that a handsome face cannot put bread on the table and a beautiful countenance cannot prepare meals. You will be shocked to realize that behind that attractive exterior hides a vile temper and a saucy tongue. The sweet becomes sour, the tender becomes tough. The courteous becomes calloused and the intimate becomes estranged.

We can think of the four dimensions of love as forming the foundations of the triangle marriage. Agape is at the bottom and is the bedrock of the relationship. Above that is storge the terra firma, followed by Philia, and then eros. If we think of them in the form of a pyramid we should not be surprised if the whole thing topples over when we place eros as the bottom foundation because it should be at the pinnacle resting on all the others.

It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love. 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

To get divorced because love has died, is like selling your car because it's run out of gas. 

Diane Sollee

Efforts have been made to define the nature of love. All have fallen short of the mark. One of the best that I have heard was from the lips of a preacher at a chapel service in bible school many years ago. He said, “Love is the sustained direction of the will toward the enrichment of another.”

God’s word commands us to love one another. The question is: Why should love be commanded? Does it not flow spontaneously? The above definition explains the reason. Love is not simply a matter of the emotion. It is centred in the will. We choose to love. The feeling of love flows out of the decision to love.

At our wedding over over forty years ago a pastor friend of ours who was also my best man shared some thoughts with us around the theme, “You promised to love.”

Whatever the circumstances we may face in life, we promised to love. When we choose to love we are both obeying a command and fulfilling a promise. It is impossible to love the way it is stated in the wedding vows. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit can we express love like this.

All that we do and say to our mate should be mixed with compassion and selflessness. We always owe love to our mate. After all, at the marriage altar we promised to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live and not until divorce is granted. Husbands are particularly commanded to love their wives. Love should characterize all of the dealings of family members with each other. The husband loves by sacrificing himself for his wife. The wife loves by submitting herself to her husband. His sacrifice promotes her security and her submission promotes his significance. Each benefits mutually when they fulfill their God-given responsibility in communicating love.

Marriage can be thought of as a triangle. At the zenith or pinnacle is the triune God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Man and woman are at either ends of the base of the triangle. The lines in between describe the relationship. The horizontal line between the man and the woman connects them together and speaks of their union and communion. The vertical lines between each of them and God describe their union and communion with God. When there is a break down along any of those lines it affects the other. In other words when there is a breakdown in the relationship between one spouse and God it will affect the marriage. When there is a breakdown in the relationship between the marital couple it will affect their relationship with God. It is important that the horizontal and vertical lines be kept clear in order to maintain a healthy relationship with God and each other.

Maybe you did not know it, but when you repeated those vows on your wedding day and attached your name to an official document you were actually signing your death warrant. You did that in the presence of God and the witnesses. The wedding is a day of rejoicing but it is also a day of death. You died to self in order that you may find it in another – your spouse. You chose to cease living for self and began to live for another – your spouse. That’s what Calvary is all about. Christ died in order that we might live. He died to bond us to himself. Therefore if you want to have a successful marriage just remember Calvary. Die daily to self by the power of the Holy spirit that you may live for God and each another. When you die with Christ by faith you then know his resurrection life. Marriage conducted in the resurrection power of Christ will not fail to exude the atmosphere of love.

Watchman Nee, a Chinese brother was deeply engaged in studying Romans chapter 6. He became so overwhelmed by the teaching on the believer’s dying and rising again with Christ that he rushed out of his room and found another Christian downstairs of the house. He cried excitedly, “Brother, I died.!”

The person who has died no longer lives unto himself but unto the one who died for him. He is no longer his own. (Gal. 2:20). Yet, marriage is sweet death. It produces the resurrection of a new life in a new relationship with another. Now you see the connection between marriage and Christ and the Church. That’s what real love is all about – dying to self and living unto another.

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman highlights and develops the languages of love. He believes that each person communicates love differently. He mentions five ways in which love is communicated:

       Words of affirmation: Some people love by speaking

      Quality Time: Some people love by giving time to each other.

       Receiving Gifts: Some people love by giving and receiving gifts

        Acts of Service: Some people love by serving

       Physical touch: Some people love by touching

While couples are expected to express their love in all these languages different individuals are best able to express their love in one particular love language. The love commands of scripture encompass or cover all the various languages of love.

18. Members one of another

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the t ruthwith his neighbor, for we are members one of another. ... 

We are, each of us, angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each  other. 

Luciano DeCrescenzo.

This love command emphasizes the true meaning of marriage – two becoming one flesh. Each partner becomes an extension of the other. Their marriage made it possible for them to actually share the members of their bodies and complement each other in an amazing way. Spouses in marriage become one physically as they bodies unite in the sexual union. I am told that the word for the male organ means shaft whereas the word for the female organ means sheath. In the physical union the shaft fits into the sheath.

The word husband means binder and the word wife means weaver. Traditionally the husband would bind the grain in the field while his wife weaves the clothing at home. He would go out and bring in the bacon and she would be at home to prepare it. The husband functioned outdoors while the wife functioned at home. Much of that scenario has changed since the 1970’s. Wives and mothers now work twice as much as their spouses. They work at home in the morning then go out to work. After work in the market place of life they return home to work some more until late at night. You wonder who then is the stronger – the husband or the wife.

Besides the physical the married couple is united in spirit and can sense where each is at a given moment. They communicate not only verbally and visually but also intuitively. They can sense each other sometimes even from a distance. Couples can feel each other’s vibes and can tell whether or not all is well.

Mentally they are also members one of another. A previous reciprocal command exhorts couples to be of the same mind. Marriage enables them to cultivate oneness of mind. As they live together and share their thoughts one with the other they learn to see things together and share a common marital perspective. I have to be careful how I think especially in the presence of my wife. Sometimes the very thing on which I am reflecting she would turn and ask me about it or speak to me concerning it. If it happens to be something undesirable I would quickly change adjust my train of thought before she asks me about it.

Marriage partners and family members share a common fellowship, a commonwealth. They belong to each other in a lifelong bond and are bone of each other’s bone and flesh of each other’s flesh. In marriage two become one and must cleave to each other in an unbreakable bond of love. Marriage partners are one in the bond of love and minister to one another as members of the same body. Each has been entrusted with gifts and abilities which they bring into the relationship. These should be used to build up the marriage. You see, marriage is like a body with different parts each having a different function. Each one needs the other. As each part serves the other the relationship grows stronger, deeper, and more intimate.

19. Pray for one another

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (James 5:16).

Marriage partners should constantly bear up each in prayer, standing in the gap for each other. I pray for my wife and family at least twice a day. The family should pray together and each member must have their time of prayer daily during which they pray for their family.

There is a crying need for married couples to pray for each other and for all of us to pray for the institution of marriage. Marriage was the first institution created by God for his glory and man’s benefit. It was also the first institution attacked by Satan. Even since, it has been under attack by the powers of darkness.

First of all, the husband should pray for his wife. She is the most vulnerable part of the relationship. It was through the woman that sin first came into the world. Because of her need for security she is easily attracted by men who show strength and possess financial clout. Many women have left their husbands because of this fact. Women tend to be vulnerable to compliments. Many men take advantage of this and are unsparing in their attempts to seduce women with enticing words.

The word husband means binder. He is not only binds the sheaf to meet the economic needs of the home. He also protects his wife from evil influences. He is to be a covering for his wife from spiritual attacks. Where was Adam when Eve was attacked by Satan? The husband must intercede for his wife day and night. I heard of one husband who stripped his wife naked and anointed her from head to foot with oil. I think that is a great idea. I think I know what will happen in the bedroom tonight!

Pray for your wife as you leave for work in the mornings or as she goes off to work. There are unknown dangers awaiting her. One woman fell into sin when a salesman entered her home on business. Others have fallen for a boss or a co-worker. Some potential employers demand that a woman prostitute herself to them before they would employ them.

Secondly, wives should pray for their husbands. Men have a problem with their eyes. They have an eye and heart disease called lust. One preacher said that before he was saved if he had seen a bamboo wearing a dress he would go after it. Wives need to pray that God put a filter over the eyes of their husbands and empower them to set their affections on things above, not on things of the earth. Like Job husbands need prayer to pledge before God that they would not look on a maid. The Psalmist said, “I will set no wicked thing before my eyes.” That is very difficult to do in light of the way many women dress on the streets and on T. V. and sometimes even in church.

The only way a man can overcome lust is by walking in the Spirit. Gal. 5:16 says, “Walk in the Spirit and ye shall not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.” The believer can only walk in the spirit when he is filled with Spirit. Pray that your husband will always be filled with the Holy Spirit. You will like the results. He will produce the fruit of the Spirit: “Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance or self control.” Gal. 5:22, 23, and become a better mate.

A man filled with the Spirit is a holy man. I Pet. 1:16 says, “Be ye holy for I am holy,” says the Lord.

I Thess. 4:3 clearly remind us that sanctification is God’s will for us and that as spouses we have been called unto holiness. Without it no man shall see the Lord. Living in a sex-obsessed society is a challenge to holiness but by the grace of God we can make it as we pray one for another.

Pray for your husband because strong husbands attract insecure women. That is partly why many pastors have fallen into sin. Pray that God alert your husband to the dangers around them and protect them from flirting or from flirts. Pray for him as he leaves for work in the morning. Pray that the Lord cover him with the whole armour of God and empower him to resist the enemy.

Thirdly, pray that the Lord empower you both to be faithful to your vows. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. When you pledged your devotion the one to the other you had no idea what you would meet up in life or how difficult it would be to be faithful. Pray and fast at least once a week that God will keep you faithful till death separates you or till Jesus comes for you. Always look unto Jesus who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despised the shame and now set down at the right hand of the throne of God. He was tempted like as we are yet was without sin. As you look unto him he will give you his strength and encourage you to overcome temptation and to go on in your marriage. Although others have fallen you do not have to fall. Success in marriage is guaranteed to those who trust in God, pray for his empowerment, and obey his will.

20. Be of the Same Mind with one another

Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same

love, being in full accord and of one mind. ... Phil. 2:2

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. 

Antoine De Saint-Exupery

The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can." 

Scott Stanley

Husband and wives should develop a common mind-set or worldview about matters. They should be able as time goes by to look at the world out of the same window. They should share a common world view cultivated by the perspective provided by the word of God. Their minds should be transformed by and conformed to the word of God. They should always live in one accord.

Love involves unity. Marriage by its very nature is a unity. A composite of two personalities blended into one marriage personality. “Thus shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife and they two shall be one flesh.” Gen. 2:24. Family members should live in unity. Psalm 133 is not only for brethren, it is also for a brother and sister united in marriage. The world has few more beautiful pictures than a couple living in unity.

Elmer and Evelyn Thompson were such a couple. Mr. Thompson was one of the founders of the West Indies Mission from which our churches the ECWI spring,. They actually looked alike after many years of living together in marriage. They both died in their nineties. A few years before their death my wife and I corresponded with them on the occasion of our wedding anniversary. She wrote back saying, “Elmer and I have been married for sixty-six years and we are more in love than ever before.”

Many people tend to think that being in love is for young people. They know nothing at all. You haven’t begun to love until you have been married for twenty-five years. Unity in marriage is love in all its beauty and symmetry. You can only be united in the same mind as you both possess the mind of Christ.

“It takes deliberate effort to obtain marital unity. In other words your actions must be intentional and on purpose. Togetherness or oneness will not come into existence by chance. It involves spending time together 'on purpose,' being supportive 'on purpose' and encouraging your spouse 'on purpose.' “ (MarriageUnity.com)

Ecclesiastes - Chapter 4:9-12 declares that:

9. Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.

10. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no-one to help him up!

11. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?

12. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

In Philippians - Chapter 2:2 the Word of God says:

2. Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

21. Serve one another

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. (Gal. 5:13)

Real giving is when we give to our spouses what's important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not. 

Michele Weiner-Davis

They do not love who do not show their love. 

William Shakespeare

Many people get married expecting to be served rather than to serve. Each expects the other to make them happy. Love is service, mutual service. As we serve we communicate love to each other as a couple. Love cannot be understood in the absence of service. It is best understood in terms of service. There is no love without service. Marriage partners and family members love by serving the needs of one another.

Pastor Rick Warren says, “God shapes us for service through a variety of methods, including the challenges you face in your marriage. We learn to be effective in ministry as we learn to serve our spouses and learn, with our spouses, godly, faithful responses to life’s problems and God’s blessings.”

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. (Gal. 5:13)

Many think of marriage as bondage. When I was quite young there was only one or two taxis in Grenville where I lived. Fred Sam’s taxi was one of them. On a wedding day you could hear his horn blowing as he drove couples from the ceremony. The community composed words to match the sound of the car horn:

“Fred Sam say the wedding sweet, the after-blow behind.”

In a community where common-law relationships were more common than marriage one can well understand why people would think that way. Some people would even tell you that a “a sweet keep in better than a bad marriage.” A bad marriage is better any day than a sweet keep because God ordained marriage he did not ordain keeping or shacking up. To keep is to live in sin. To marry is to be obedient to God concerning the laws of human sexuality.

Marriage is not bondage or slavery unless a couple makes it so. Rather it is the opportunity to serve the one whom you love with exclusive devotion. Loving service is never drudgery but a delight. Rather than marry in order to be served, find fulfillment in marriage by service to God, your mate and others.

Service is mutual and bilateral and not one-sided. Each gives and the other receives. Love is communicated by means of service. Every act done by one to the other is a way of saying, “I love you.”

Psychologist, Dr. Lawrence O. Crabbe wrote a book dealing with selfishness in marriage. I have not read the book myself. What I have gleaned from looking at the cover indicates that men and women have a serious problem. They are basically selfish and wants to be served.

As couples we must wage a constant battle against the flesh which is fundamentally selfish. We must deny ourselves and die daily to self as we strive to serve one another. The Lord Jesus Christ must always be our example. He declared that, “The Son of man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many.” The husband, above all people should follow the model of Christ and die to himself by serving his wife because Christ is his model. The marriage is not just for you, sir. It is also for your wife. You did not marry, I hope, in order to have a cook, house-cleaner, launderer, and sex partner. You married a person, period. A person, who like you has needs and desires that must be fulfilled. You likewise have needs which she must fulfill. Each ought to find joy in serving each other as well as in receiving service from each other. As you serve each other you are serving Christ.

Since marriage was the first institution given by God it must have some major significance. Therefore if God gives rewards for service then marriage partners will be rewarded when Jesus comes for their service which they rendered to him by serving each other.

The Division of Agriculture in the University of Arkansas has the following on its website:

“Cultivating a good marriage is like two people growing a healthy garden. To achieve a full and satisfying harvest, the gardeners must work in harmony with one another, using the right tools, gardening wisdom, and a willing spirit. The gardening process teaches us vital – and sometimes painful – lessons about life. The struggle is worth it: both good marriages and healthy gardens can enrich and delight us. But neither happens by chance. Let’s break ground!

“Nurture: Do the work of loving.

Marriage can grow from a handful of seeds to a garden filled with colorful, radiant life. But this won’t happen by accident. It will require careful attention to the well-being of the plants. We may need to increase the light of encouragement, the fertilizer of time spent together, and the water of kindness. We need to weed out destructive thoughts and actions while encouraging healthy growth. Steady investments in the relationship will assure a bountiful harvest.”

Couples prepare to serve others by serving one another and serving together. Serving is the work of loving.

22. Speak not evil one of another, James 4:11

Marriage is one long conversation, checkered with disputes. 

Robert Louis Stevenson

Verbal language is the most obvious means of communication in marriage. The love commands cover these as well.

In chapter 2 of his book, James warns us concerning the nature and reputation of the tongue. More sins are committed by the tongue than by all the other members of the body put together except the mind. We think more evil than we speak. Because of the intimate nature of marriage the opportunities for speaking evil is phenomenal. It is truly amazing that the same mouth that spoke words of tenderness and love during the getting-to–know-you and courtship period can shortly after marriage speak words which cause sadness and pain. Out of the same mouth spews forth blessing and cursing. We as husbands too often lose our sweet words when self is asserted in the marriage relationship. We break down what we once tried to build. We close our eyes and ears to the damage we are causing because our mouths are opened so widely in spilling out evil towards our mate. O the pain our wives have borne because of our insensitivity and lack of self-control! Many are nursing hurts accumulated over the years because of unkind words spoken to them by their husbands.

How I wish that I could go back over thirty-seven years of marriage and recover all the unkind words that I have spoken to my wife put them in a lead container and drop it in the Marianas Trench, the deepest part of the ocean, seven miles down. Yet, I thank God that she has forgiven me and so has the Lord. He has buried my sins in the depths of the deepest sea and cast them as far as the east is from the west, never to be remembered anymore.

Not only should a couple abstain from speaking evil one of another, they should also beware of communicating evil about each other to those outside of the home.

There are spouses that tell secrets that belong only within their relationship. Your private life must not become public knowledge. When you tell others about your wife’s or husband’s faults you are hurting yourself as well as your marriage. You will look like a fool before the watching world. They will laugh at you behind your back. Many of those whom you think are your friends are really your enemies. Keep your business at home! If you and your wife have a quarrel go to you bedroom, lock the doors and windows, fight it out if you must and come out to the public smiling as if nothing happened. It is none of their business. When you fight and quarrel in public you make yourself a spectacle which you will never be able to live down. And remember; news travel far and fast especially in the age of the cell phone, fax, and email.

We are exhorted by scripture to let your words be with grace, seasoned with salt that you may minister one to the other.

Speak the truth in love. Speaking the truth does not mean that you have to give her a piece of your mind. Remember when you are brutally frank you are also being frankly brutal. If you keep on giving pieces of your mind one day you will end up with no mind at all. You will become a mindless zombie. Since what we say come from our minds and heart we need to do some serious work on the inside. Seek to have the mind of Christ. Give God your heart. He says, “My son, give me thine heart.”

23. Spur one another on

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Heb. 10:24)

The only provocation that comes from love is the provocation to be a better person. Marriage communicates love by spurring each other on to maturity in Christ. The husband has the responsibility to take the lead in spurring on his wife to join him in pursuing godliness and righteousness. He is the high priest and pastor of his own home. Whatever he learns he should share with his wife. He should model the life of Christ before his beloved. He needs to ensure that worship is a regular feature of his home whether by day or by night. As a matter of fact worship should fill the atmosphere of the home constantly.

From the early years of our marriage, in spite of some fits and starts, we endeavoured to make the family altar the central feature in our home. When our son was young we prayed together as a family twice a day. But when he began high school we had our family prayers at night. During our worship time we sang, read and memorized scripture. We also read our son’s picture bible to him. We prayed about everything. Besides we endeavoured to model what we learned from the word of God. We took our faith in Christ very seriously and still do. Jesus Christ means more to us than the entire world. My life verse is, “For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Phil. 1:21; and the song, To Glorify Thee, which we enjoy singing, summarizes the focus of our lives as a couple.

In spite of our many failures we give glory to God that our son expressed his desire to receive Christ all by himself at age three, renewed it at nine, and again at fourteen. At age thirty-five, he is now an associate pastor in California with his wife and one son.

On one occasion we were in need as a family and prayed for God’s provision. The answer came in the form of a check. We showed it to David and said, “David, look, the Lord has answered our prayers.” When he went to college he had already learned to trust God to provide for him. He carried his faith in God into the ministry. As an associate pastor with limited income, he looks to God to provide for him and his family. The Lord has never failed him. He acquired his own home after eight months of marriage. My wife and I had to wait for thirty-one years.

Let your life of faith and obedience be an inspiration to your wife or husband as well as to your children. Be examples to one another in prayer, in devotion to God’s word, and godliness. Encourage one another to follow the Lord, attend the house of God, and die to the world, the flesh, and the devil. Let me encourage you to press forward together toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Phil. 3:14

24. Submit to one another

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Eph. 5:21)

The word submission means, “To line up under the authority of another.” That is what a soldier does to a commanding officer. That is what the disciple does to his master. Since the husband represents Christ to the wife to resist submission to him is to rebel against Christ. Submission does not mean becoming a door mat or doing all that is commanded. It is first of all submission to the will of God and to whatever is according to God’s will in the direction that is given. Whatever is not according to God’s will you respectfully refuse to obey.

Husbands love this command. It seems to give them a free rein in the relationship. But then they forget that the same bible which contains this command also requires husbands to live with their wives according to knowledge giving honour to her as the weaker vessel and as partners together of the grace of live (I Peter 3:7). Besides, husbands are to love their wives without being bitter towards her.

A husband is a loving leader and a “tender warrior.” He serves his wife by leading the relationship in accordance with the will of God for his glory and the benefit of the wife. He loving meets her needs as a servant-leader. He is God’s minister to his wife. They serve each other mutually as God’s minister to each other. Since service always involves some degree of submission both wife and husband extend it to each other. Submission is expressed in obedience. Both husband and wife obey each other’s counsel or request from time to time. If the truth were know the husband obeys the wife and submits to her more often then he realizes. Submission is not always a response to some curt command but cooperation with one another for the common good.

When Princess Diana was due to marry Prince Charles she did not want the word “obey” to be included in their marriage vows. The wife of a prominent leader with whom my wife knew did not like the idea either. One day my wife counseled her to obey her husband. She replied, “Obey, who?”

Actually obedience should not be hard for one who loves because love is service. Obedience expresses submission.

No husband who is not walking in accordance with the will of God should expect his wife to respond positively to an unreasonable request. As a leader he is a servant of God and a servant to his family. He functions as a leader for their benefit and not his own. He can only properly lead when he has first submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. The husband lust be a loving leader; or, as one has said, “a tender warrior.”

In a real sense, submission is mutual. While the husband has overall authority in the home the wife has areas of competence which would require the submission of the husband. In fact , when all is said and done the wife is the one who really runs the home with her husband’s permission. Submission therefore is expected from each to the other. As each one gives submission love is enhanced and the home becomes a cosmos rather than a chaos. “Peace, the tranquility of order “ will grace the home.

The supreme model of submission is the Lord Jesus himself. He submitted to the Father’s will while at the same time submitting to the will of man for the purpose of redemption. He could have called ten thousand angels to deliver him from the cross. But then, how would we have been saved? He submitted to suffering and death for our good. Let us follow him in mutually submitting to one another as marriage mates for the good of each other, the well-being of the relationship, and the glory of God.

The “one-another commands” were not given to the unsaved because they cannot keep them. Neither can we fulfill them as we should except by the Holy Spirit. Therefore it should not surprise us that prior to giving commands concerning the roles of wife and husband the word of God says, “Be not drunk with wine wherein is excess, but be filled with the Spirit.” It takes the fullness of the Holy Spirit to do anything that God commands. His commands are his enabling. We can exercise the love commands in marriage communication through the fullness of the Holy Spirit.

Are you a Spirit-filled spouse? When you are filled with the Spirit the fruit mentioned in Galatians 5:22, 23 will manifest themselves in your life and in your marriage relationship. You will then be able to express a I Corinthians 13 kind of love. Your marriage will then become a little bit of heaven on earth, a foretaste of the one above. Every meal you eat together will become a sample of the marriage supper of the Lamb in heaven.

On the other hand if you do not know the Lord Jesus there is no guarantee that you will have a good marriage. He can turn a marriage nightmare into a dream. He can gives new life and meaning to the vows you made some time ago. Invite him into your life just as he was invited into the wedding at Cana in Galilee. He will bring the new wine of love, joy, and peace into your life and relationship. He stands outside of the door waiting for your invitation. In Revelation 3:20 he says, “Behold I stand at the door and knock, if any man hears my voice and opens the door I will come in and sup with him and he with me.” With Christ in your home your marriage can be resurrected because he is the resurrection and the life. (John 11:24, 25).

There’s a stranger at your door, let him in;

He has been there oft before, let him.

Let him in ere he s gone,

Let him in the Holy One;

Jesus Christ the Father’s Son, let him in.

In conclusion, I want to leave with you the words of a hymn sung at our wedding in Jamaica back in 1972. It expresses so well the interrelationship between marriage and the union of Christ and the church. We saw that the reciprocal commands, God’s love commands for marriage communication apply both to the church and marriage. The two ideas are blended in this beautiful song.

I am the Lord’s O joy beyond expression,

O sweet response to voice of love divine;

Faith’s joyous, Yes, to the assuring whisper’

“Fear not I have redeemer thee

Thou art mine.

I am the Lord’s, it is the glad confession

Wherewith the bride recalls the happy day,

When love’s, I will, accepted him forever

The Lord’s to love, to honour, and obey. 

I am the Lord’s, O teach me all it meaneth,

All it involves of love and loyalty,

Of holy service, absolute surrender

And unreserved obedience unto thee.

I am the Lord’s, Yes, body, soul and spirit 

O seal them irrecoverably thine

As thou beloved in thy grace and fullness

Forever and forevermore art mine.

Indeed, marriage is a parable of the union of the believer and the church with Jesus Christ and the union of God and man in Christ. As we obey God’s love commands and depend upon his power we will enjoy a great relationship with our God and also with our mate. Marriage on earth will then be a true figure of marriage with Christ in heaven in eternity – an unending honeymoon.