Love, Attach, Then Lost: The Science of Grief

Whether it's the end of a relationship, loss of a job,

the realization that you'll never again encounter a beloved person or place,

or the shattering of your treasured teacup...

How do you react when you experience the loss of someone you hold dear?

The most intense pain arises when the individual or object you've considered as "mine" is no longer present. In truth, everything you hold affection for is an object, as you are the one who loves and possesses, while it represents what is loved and possessed. The crux lies in the declaration of ownership.

Is possessing a prerequisite for love?

The most demanding form of love is one that exists without possession. Phrases like "my lover," "my father," "my tree"...

How do I experience emotions when possessions are removed from my life?

Kubler-Ross's extensive studies on grief, encompassing thousands of individuals, offer a comprehensive explanation. In line with the stages of the change model, we navigate five phases of grief: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

The grieving process doesn't follow a linear path; rather, we each navigate these stages at our own pace, drawing from our individual psychological resilience. Within these five stages, we can fluctuate akin to a pendulum, sometimes finding the need to revisit and re-experience the same phases. To facilitate a better understanding of these stages, I'll recount them using my recent personal experience as an illustration of the transformative journey I underwent:

I experienced the loss of a cherished tree, one I considered "mine."

Initially, we encounter denial. It's the phase where we insist, "No, it can't have disappeared."

When the tree I affectionately referred to as "My Tree" was cut, I attempted to disavow the reality my eyes perceived, seeking solace in the belief that "No, it's still there, actually. I'll move away from the window for a moment, and upon my return, it'll remain in its place." However, the genuine circumstance remains unaltered—the tree was cut down, justified by reasons such as "it obstructs the window."

Anger. While the persistent and tormenting sound of the electric saw continues to reverberate in my head, a profound anger consumes me. I'm furious at the person who took away the tree's right to exist, enraged by the tree's loss, and incensed with myself. I come to terms with the fact that the cherished object is no longer present. Thoughts like, "It's mine, how could they remove it from me?" "Why did you depart? What will I do without you?" "Why did I permit your departure? I could have prevented it with more resources." But in that moment, this was all I could do. The person responsible for its removal acted in accordance with their current level of consciousness. However, the limitation in their awareness, limited to the act of tree cutting, remains a significant barrier to my capacity to forgive.

Subsequently, comes bargaining. "Alright, the tree's branches and trunk may be gone. It might no longer serve as a refuge for birds. Its leaves may no longer feel the touch of rain. Its branches may not sway in the wind, serenading my room's wall. But if I nurture the remaining tree trunk, perhaps it can rejuvenate. Yes, yes, with proper care, it could grow again. It may take many years... and during those lengthy years, we might be without the oxygen it used to provide..."

Depression sets in, and we begin to embrace acceptance when we realize that bargaining cannot restore what we've lost. Just prior to this stage, we fully immerse ourselves in the depth of this sorrow. "Yes, I'm regretful, profoundly so. There was a Tree that put in more effort for me than many people, providing me with oxygen, anchoring the soil steadfastly, and making a personal contribution to preventing desertification. And it's no longer here. And it won't return.

Nevertheless, I can progress toward acceptance by choosing to honor the values it brought into my life. This is a lengthy process. Nonetheless, the journey of a tree, from a seed to a flourishing and beneficial individual, is far lengthier than my path to accepting the loss of 'My Tree.'

Impermanence, also known as 'transience,' is a reality we frequently overlook until life serves as a reminder. It signifies the temporary and ever-changing nature of everything. Instead of attempting to lay claim to something or someone ephemeral, we can show our appreciation by recognizing the value they offer.

Let's say the most appealing trait of a person we love is their generosity. In this case, we can honor the love we give to this person by carrying that "generosity" and sharing it with the people we interact with. Yes, that person is temporary. But their values are not. When you embrace their values, there's no chance of them disappearing. You continue on. You continue with what you bring to others. You continue with the impacts people have on each other.

Give yourself permission. To go through the grieving process. It can vary in duration for everyone, and it's not something to compare. Everyone has different psychological dynamics.

Grief, sorrow, anger, the feeling of "What will happen to me now?" - "You can't just leave me like this" sentiment, and a host of other complex emotions. Whatever you feel, these are messengers sent to you. Your feelings are real and indicate that something is bothering you. Rather than trying to get rid of them, it's more productive to listen to what they are telling you.

What if you wrote a letter to that person, for instance? You don't have to give it, they don't even need to read it. Just write it because you have things you want to say to them. Even if they don't need to hear it, you would still say it. This is one of the methods that will facilitate your transformation between loving and losing: Honor the memories.

Adapting to the absence of someone you love is incredibly challenging. One day, someone who was a significant part of your life is gone or taken away. Does this make them 'non-existent'?

Burying the immense pain of loss deep within your memory and locking it away is one of the responses seen in the grieving process. However, instead of burying it, making a final closure with the person in your relationship, processing the process itself, and making it functional can be more effective. Find the wisdom in the lost.

#lost #love #attachment #grief #kublerross