Is "Love" the Answer?

I was truly humbled, insanely inspired, emotionally exhausted, and ultimately fulfilled this weekend. I attended and participated in revolutionary rehabilitation and development program at the Pelican Bay State Prison in Crescent City, CA with Defy Ventures founded by my friend Catherine Hoke in 2011. While there, I witnessed one of the greatest examples of shared humanity and spiritual connection between the Defy Staff, the Volunteers (like myself), the Pelican Bay Staff, and the Incarcerated gentlemen graduating from Defy’s EIT (Entrepreneur-In-Training) certification program (certified by Baylor University). Before going any further, I will tell up front this article is longer than I would normally publish, but I thought the message might get diluted and lose something if I shortened it. It’s also a little dangerous and/or controversial which I have been told is not good to put in any type of social media because of the propensity to receive negative comments and unwanted publicity. With all of that said, I know some people will yearn to here this so here goes…

By all descriptions in the press and online, the inmates at Pelican Bay are “labeled” as the worst of the worst. In fact, there is a Documentary you can access online that specifically states when inmates come to Pelican Bay, many try to get there (by committing violent acts at other prisons) as a badge of honor and while at P.B. really start to hone their illegal skills, and upon their release they are generally more advanced at criminal behavior than when they arrived. Pelican Bay was built in 1989 as a Super-Max prison built in the northern woods of California designed specifically for gang members (and their leaders) to isolate it’s population from outside society, to remove the leaders from their foot soldiers, and in some cases to remove them from people and the entire outside world in general- with the hopes that they can be broken and no longer be a danger to society. 

As you can imagine, I had no idea what to expect when Catherine “Cat” asked me to come and talk to the graduates about how to be a great salesperson as part of their EIT program (the mission of Defy is to “Transform their Hustle” – to take their once illegal skills and use them for the good of society). I only knew the stereotypes of what people had told me as well as what the media puts out to the public (truth be told I also looked on You Tube) – which didn’t paint a pretty picture of what I would be encountering.

My program was centered around three specific tenants of sales success including attitude, behavior, and techniques. It was addressed to an audience of about 150 very eager EIT’s. The most impactful part was when we discussed Sandler Training's I-R Theory during the Attitude portion. The I-R Theory simply says that an individual’s outward performance called Roles, or “R”(their external self), has no correlation to their value as a person called their Identify, or “I” (internal self-worth). In other words, no matter what kind of outward choices one makes (productive or non-productive, good or bad, etc.) those choices have nothing to do with the inherent worth/value of that person. Meaning, on a scale of 1-10 (1 – low, 10 high), your “R” value can and should go up and down because real life is full of struggles, failures, rejections, etc. However, your “I” value is always a “10” no matter what is happening on your “R” side of your life. You were born perfect at a “10” and you will die a “10” with no variation in between because you are human and a child of God (which means you are worthy of love). 

For many reasons, society tries to convince people they should be judged primarily based upon their performance (or lack thereof) in any of their given roles (meaning if I haven’t broken any laws or been arrested then I should feel higher in self-worth; In sales terms, if I am closing business and meeting my quotas, then I should feel good as a person; As a child, if I am making good grades then I can feel worthy, As a man, if I'm tough enough or have accomplished enough; and vice versa if things are not going well). 

See Brene Brown’s best selling book called “Daring Greatly” for a more researched and in depth understanding of IR theory (although not called that in her book) and all the various types of judgements and comparisons we tend to make that can directly affect one’s sense of self- worth (causing potential shame in our lives).

The truth is that everyone’s “I” (identity) value can only be a “10” and once they, and everyone else we work with, realizes that unarguable and undeniable reality, new conceptual doors start to open in terms of their own confidence and ability to succeed in the future. 

We know from training thousands of salespeople and sales leaders that with an I-10 conceptual view of themselves, they can do accomplish so much more in their lives. Not because they are necessarily or innately smarter but when the “head-trash” is removed, or “unlearned”, people tend to take more chances, get out of their comfort zone, take 100% self-responsibility for their life, and commit to their success vs. just “camping” in mediocrity. They learn that failure is part of life and it doesn’t make them a “bad” person. They tend to learn lessons from their failures and consequently start to thrive just as they were meant to do in the first place. It could as simple as sales leaders holding their people accountable to prospecting activities, more accurate forecasts, following a consistent sales process, letting their team fail to get better, etc. to sales people asking tougher more pain related questions, going for a “no” when necessary, talking about money early to minimize price objections, getting to all the correct decisions makers, writing and setting higher personal goals, etc. – and not worried if they do make a mistake or fail in reaching their goals, that they will be labeled as “Unworthy”.

You might be asking yourself by now “Troy, what’s the point?” which is a good question. 

What I saw and heard from the EIT’S at Pelican Bay was the same type of fears and anxieties that many us have including myself (a common bond like none other)- such as fear of rejection, fear of not receiving approval, fear of imperfection, fear of judgment, fear of conflict, fear of losing control, and so on.  Once everybody started to grasp that their fears were like all humanity, and that their choices don’t and won’t define them (also taught throughout the EIT program) they could start to think about and take action towards a bigger and brighter future for themselves vs. holding onto their tough personas and life “masks” that have stunted their professional growth. I also saw in their faces something so opposite of what they have been labeled all their life. They were just like you and me. Wanting to be loved and wanting to better themselves vs. the typical label that they are criminals with little chance of reform. 

At Sandler we have a rule that says You tend to perform in your roles “R” in a manner in which you view yourself conceptually “I”.  With an I-10 mentality, all people will be inherently capable of more success because their improved concept allows them to take more risks without fear of failure, be more vulnerable, practice authenticity, show empathy and compassion, and ultimately connect with other people in a more meaningful and “soulful” way. That’s the point. Whether you are in leadership, sales, a parent, a coach, a sibling, and/or an incarcerated individual (formerly or currently) when you can connect more authentically the universe starts to open to you. Then the old “limited” belief cycle starts to break because actions tend to be less “me-focused”, which leads to better results in life, which starts to change long held “self-limiting” beliefs about one’s situation’(s), and ultimately transforms the cycle to abundance vs. limitation. We call this cycle a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. It’s great to see the cycle change beliefs in a positive way vs. just validate the one’s we already have.

I’ve have always believed that if we all acted more out of “love” vs. “fear” both personally and in business that we could succeed in ways not imagined. To further that, if we all realize that we are “I-10’s” and “worthy of love” the world would be more connected and ultimately more prosperous in all fashions. The harsh reality is that we can’t give love if we don’t feel loved so at a minimum affirming your I-10 is the prerequisite. The more permanent I-10 will come along as you act accordingly and continue to affirm yourself (a journal is a great way to do this). 

At their graduation, I saw changes in them, that can only be described as “Miracles” from none other than just giving and receiving “Love” (for themselves, from others, and for others). They are defying the odds! One other miracle I witnessed was when I happened to have a conversation with an EIT (who is considered a “Boss or Shot Caller” – they call the shots or give the orders) tell me that because of Defy, he and the other “Shot-Callers” have decided to seek “Peace” vs. “Violence” starting with him and the other leaders. In other words, both the leadership and general population are now seeking alternatives to traditional fear-based separation including integrating with each other (sports, conversations, games, etc.) and acting more like one family vs. separate and individualized in nature. He said they are still competitive but it’s in a mode of helping each other get better vs. eliminating or squashing each other. It’s just like a company culture change that is initiated and modeled starting at the executive level. It’s not perfect but appears to be moving in the right direction and doing it at the last place anyone would have imagined called Pelican Bay State Prison. 

Sandler’s I-R Theory has been a transformational game changer for me in the last 14 years. I had no idea what I was walking into when I stepped into Pelican Bay last Thursday, but I can say with 100% certainty that it has changed my life forever. It has helped me see a connected humanity in ways that were previously intellectual in nature to a truly spiritual and emotional one now. To be fair, I still struggle in my own life trying to act from the right ego state and make poor choices more than I wish to confess. I have been accused of being emotional, acting out of fear, getting defensive, worried about approval, and so on (I hate to say it but the accusations were all true). However, I now try and recognize it, hopefully take responsibility, and jump back on the horse again. I’m forever hopeful that all of this helps me be a better leader for my team, a more connected salesperson, a more conscientious consultant, a more authentic speaker, a more loving husband and father, a more compassionate and empathetic coach, and any other specific and necessary adjective for any other role I play in the future. I hope it does the same for you one day if you choose to take that journey.

Wholeheartedly,

Troy Elmore

PS- Despite some very undeserved negative press lately, Defy Ventures has been making an awe-inspiring difference in the lives of people who have been written off and labeled as the worst of humanity for over six years. Also, this article is nowhere close to describing the experience myself and the other volunteers had upon the completion of our weekend (including many very accomplished business leaders looking to make a difference). If you are wanting to make a difference and you aspire to do it Defy Style or as they say “All In” then reach out to www.defyventures.org or find out more by reading Catherine Hoke's just released book called “A Second Chance; For You, for Me, and for the Rest of Us”, recommended by Seth Godin.  Her book is a lesson in vulnerability and courage that I seek to find in my life. I’m quite sure once you meet Cat, the incredible staff, and experience an event, you will see a desire like non-other to transform lives – it’s contagious – and a force to reckon with. A met Cat about six years ago when a Houston business colleague told me about a lady starting a non-profit in New York to help incarcerated individuals have a better life. My colleague asked me to call her and see if I could help. I’m not sure why I made that call because at that time in my life I felt busier than ever and didn’t see any time to do what was right in front of me much less in a different state from someone I didn’t know. For reasons not known to me at that time, I felt compelled to make that call and to this day I’m eternally grateful I did. Maybe, you might feel compelled to make that call as well…...