Be louder than your demons.

It started as a half-hearted joke. I was talking with one of my best friends Dan after we had completed the T-Bird Trek in September of 2021. It was my first half marathon and he asked the question, what’s next? I said, a little out of spite, welp I guess I will just have to run a marathon. I didn’t expect that conversation to go much further but he said, okay, when and where are we running? I was committed at that point.

It’s funny how many life-changing moments and accomplishments don’t start out with the intention of that result. All it takes is saying yes, making a commitment, and not looking back. I have found that if you think too hard about something, you tend to over-evaluate it, and that is what keeps us from taking a leap of faith.

The same exact thing happened when I started my health journey. It started as a commitment to my wife. I remember the exact words I said to her. I just got a letter back from the FBI and they want me to continue on with the application process. I guess I better get into shape if I want any chance of getting to the end of this process. I am going to start running tomorrow and tracking the calories I eat. That’s all it took. The next day I did just that. That first mile was brutal, I didn’t even make it to the end without having to stop and catch my breath, but I did make it. Then I did it again, the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I am still holding that commitment, and I intend to for the rest of my life.

Little did I know that the simple commitment I made that day would change my life forever. I made it through the entire FBI application process which took over a year, and was given a slot to go to Quantico and become a special agent. My family and I decided that wasn’t the right decision for us and I turned it down, but the fact that I made it that far was a huge accomplishment for me. I am happier, healthier, more confident in myself, and am only invested in getting as much as I possibly can out of this life.

My success story seems just like others you hear on a daily basis. You are probably thinking to yourself, if only it were that easy to make a commitment, stick with it, and better my life. You are absolutely right, it is not that easy. I have learned that any commitment worth making will require you to come face to face with your most ugly demons on a daily basis. They will cast shadows of doubt. They will constantly force you to look at the most despicable parts of yourself. They will entice you with the allure that going back to your old ways are easier, and more convenient, and will tell you that no one really cares if you make a change anyway. How you decide to deal with these demons is what will make or break you.

Now back to the marathon I committed to. At first, it seemed like a pretty daunting task. It was only a year and a half ago at that point that I wasn’t even able to run a mile. I felt like the half marathon about killed me, how the hell was I supposed to run the equivalent of two half marathons? To put the icing on the cake, I also committed to running this whole thing in under 4 hours and 30 minutes.

I had 8 months to train and found a program that worked for me. Just like when I decided to run that first mile way back when I was tipping the scales at 290 pounds, the next day I started running. I stayed committed to that program day, after day, after day. Mile, after mile, after mile. By the end of that training program, I had run just over 600 miles in 8 months. I felt like I was ready, but I kept hearing from everybody that during a marathon, inevitably, there would be a massive wall that I would hit. In my training, I hadn’t fully hit that wall and was a little nervous about how I would react to it on race day.

Race day came, and I was nervous but optimistic. I had put in the work and I knew my body was up to the task. At the gun, I knew that I didn’t want to go out too fast so I held back and kept a steady 10-minute mile pace.

Miles 1-8 were great. I felt good, I was enjoying that atmosphere and soaking in the fact that I was in the midst of running a marathon.

By mile 13, I hit the first wall. Not physically, but mentally, those demons were knocking at the door. You still have another 13 miles to go. Man, the last half of this race is going to really suck for you. Are you sure you trained enough? Look at those people passing you.

Miles 14-18 I got my second wind. My body was still feeling good. The weather was still nice. This was a section of the race where there were people lining the route cheering you on.

At mile 18 I came face to face with the massive wall I had been hearing about. My demons were fully present at this moment. Every doubt and insecurity I had ever faced was fully present. The voices in my head were getting louder. You can’t do this. You still have 8 miles left. No one will care if you finish or not. You might as well stop and walk.

Miles 19-24 were a struggle. I can’t tell you how many times I thought about just stopping. There were so many instances that I was ready to give up. I can remember one distinct instance where there was a pretty significant incline around mile 20, no one was out at that point of the race cheering or watching. It was just me. I started to stop, and instinctively just yelled one more step. I am glad no one was around. The act of yelling back at those demons gave me a little lift. So I started yelling in my head, ONE MORE STEP, GET TO THAT NEXT TREE, RUN TO THAT NEXT CURVE, YOU GOT THIS, YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE IT THIS FAR, NO TURNING BACK NOW.

Miles 24-26 were a blur. I just remember picking a spot down the road and willing myself to run to that spot, then doing it again, and again, and again. Crossing the finish line was a feeling I had never felt before in my life. All of the pent-up emotions came spilling out all at once. I was elated, exhausted, and kind of sad. Not that I cared at that moment, but I found out later that I finished under my goal time of 4 hours and 30 minutes as well.

I finished that marathon only by staring right back in the face of my demons and yelling at them as loud as I could. I think sometimes, the only way to get past challenges in life is to yell at your doubts, your hurts, and your apprehensions. They seem to quiet down when the self-affirming voice decides to be louder than the demons knocking at your door.