Lost Hugs -a cautionary tale

Dear Connection,?

It is not unusual for me to speak with connections through direct messages. Some have even asked for?advice.?The?conversation?with a single mother sparked today’s?#mentalhealthmonay?post.?She has?three young children and works for a great company?with decent pay and poor management. She is concerned about job security. She shared how poorly her manager treated her and stated that she could not afford to leave because of what she was seeing in the current job market. She is the sole provider for her children and has decided she needs to stay and subject herself to this unhealthy work environment. Her story triggered me.?

The last two weeks have been the best two weeks I’ve had since my transition. The love and support that I’ve received have been overwhelming.?Many of you have said such beautiful things about me. Although I am humbled and worked hard for those compliments, I paid dearly.?#connections?I have been harboring a secret…and no, there is no plot twist.?

Where I succeeded in being good at my job, I failed in an area that I strived to be great at,?Motherhood.?My twenty-year-old son does not speak to me. As a single mother, every decision I made had him in mind. If you know me personally, you know that my son is my only reason; I worked so hard and, like the mother I described, subjected myself to working in unhealthy work environments. Do note that not all were unhealthy, but quite a few were.?

I tried desperately to impress my bosses with my worth ethic. I wanted to show them I was reliable, hardworking, and loyal. I worked late and came in early. Worked on weekends, worked through holidays. I even worked til 2 am one time. I was determined to remain hired.?Why? Because I could not afford to be unemployed. My son needed me. I wanted to give him a good life, plus the societal pressures of being a single mother. Some reports say that being raised by a single mother, he would be a criminal. This made me work even harder.?

I was so focused that I didn’t notice the breakdown until it was too late.?I did not see that my son needed my presence, not my presents. He went from giving me the best hugs to very little to no conversation. I showed him that my job was more important than him. I expected him to understand why I was going so hard. I assumed that he would know that this was all for him. I expected him to understand. I felt it needed no explanation. I forgot he was still a child. How do you show someone you care??Through your actions. A missed recital because I had to work late, taking your laptop with you on vacation, or dinner plans interrupted because I have to respond to a manager's email adds up. Instead of showing him my work ethic, I showed him how little I valued him. I am sharing this not for sympathy but instead as a cautionary tale.?

Some of you are working tirelessly and are laser-focused on being or remaining employed or dealing with your layoffs. You are being non-communicative; you give short responses or even shut down. Please stop it. Embrace your supporters—the ones in the room with you. Check in on them. Communicate. Share your vulnerability, and ask for help. Be open.?Your presence is needed. Even your pets need to know that you are still present.?

My advice to my?#connection?girl, run… get the hell out of there. No money is worth the loss of those precious hugs.

To my son, over time, our communication will improve. I hope you understand that I had the best intentions but poor execution.?Love you, son.?

#mentalhealthmonday?#laidoff?#opentowork?#communication