Lost and found

How to return to the surface when you're feeling out of place, when you're emotionally or mentally stuck in the middle.

You might have unknowingly wandered in a restricted mental space after a succession of unhealthy choices, or done so consciously to feel more secure in containment as you faced a critical time.

The world might have felt unsafe or harmful, and your box happened to protect you. But now your horizons seem so narrow you can't remember who you are and why you're here. You need to step out.

Whatever the reasons behind the gates restricting you, here's a quick story to find the keys.

Many years ago, back when I briefly lived in London for the first time, I shared a room in a hostel with 5 other girls. We were all coming from different places, for internships or language courses, and had just left our childhood homes to venture out, in a place that felt completely foreign.

Most of us found our bearings quite quickly, and this new environment soon became exciting and liberating.

But the first weeks were always the hardest. After the initial vibrancy of landing in a different space came the daunting feeling of being completely lost. That this wasn't where you were supposed to be and your home was beaconing you to return and be yourself again.

Discovering an entire new person within your usual self can be quite uncomfortable, as you have to shed your old shell. But it is unstoppable and necessary, to truly face the unexplored sides of your identity.

One of the girls that arrived to stay with us at the hostel went through a terrible period of nostalgia. After the first week, the excitement turned into profound despair. She cried herself to sleep most nights, feeling trapped in this new setting and wishing to run back to safety where things made sense.

Duty alone was keeping her tied up to what felt like a tyrannical plan.

One evening, with her eyes puffy and full of distress, she announced she was going to drop everything and go back home.

I recognized the feeling... I had felt it on many occasions years before, but I remembered there was something liberating on the other side: independence, joy and her true self. And I thought of something.

I told her to give me a week before she left. If she didn't feel better by then she could run back. There was nothing to lose, just a week of holding on. She begrudgingly agreed.

I told her to meet me the next day for breakfast at 8 am.

She came as promised. And we had breakfast together. We didn't know each other and had very few things in common, so we just ate our food in silence looking at the TV.

When we finished our coffee, I asked her to join me everyday for breakfast, same place, same time, no matter how she felt. That's the only thing I asked.

She looked at me like I was forcing her hand, I was a weird and sticky stranger, but it didn't sound too difficult to achieve.

I explained "for the next week, however you feel, whatever happened during the previous day, you'll know that you're meeting me at 8am for breakfast. And you can tell me whatever you want."

We met every morning for weeks and eventually the atmosphere changed. She gradually relaxed and we had mornings of uncontrollable laughter as her true self started resurfacing. She was hilarious, joyful and a little bonkers.

It wasn't because of me... a lot of other fun stuff happened to her outside of breakfast. But this instance of simple repetition set an initial space where she felt safe. If the day was bad, she could tell me about it the morning after. If the day was good, she could share the stories. I was going to be there no matter what.

There was a ground, and however terrifying things could be she wouldn't sink further down.

She didn't leave after the first week. She stayed and finished her months of internship. And she enjoyed it (I mean, its London in your 20s, of course she did!).

I would even bet that when she returned home, it felt weirdly foreign again. Once you've shed your old shell and grew to be a bigger person, you don't really fit in the old boxes anymore.

But that's another story.

I may have other examples of this old but useful principle, which humans have practiced insistently for centuries: creating bonding rituals will keep the darkness at bay. It will summon a space for you to be safely vulnerable, and be able to explore life again.

It is interesting to note that, if you follow the trail back to the origin point, there is anxiety and a need to feel contained by a connective structure. And considering humans are gregarious by design, it's not surprising that we partly seek to survive by holding hands.

So there is a formidable resource to be harnessed in social repetition and rituals, one that efficiently combats fear and disconnection. In simple doses, ritualizing some activities and exchanges can pull you out of that narrow box and gently push you back to life.

And if you need a nudge to re-enter the world after being used to confinement, place some challenge in little chunks ahead. Like a new project, a weekly outing to the sea, or a posting challenge on Linkedin (wink wink).

Just beware with excessive application when you are feeling lost and insecure.

Don't get caught in the illusion that life is only manageable when all of it is under control.

This is about teaching you to live outside with managed chaos, not about locking yourself in a bigger and stronger prison again ;)

Happy adventures ahead!