The lost baseball game: a lesson in restorative justice for dad.

My two sons play baseball at our local baseball club, both are majors: the age of 8-10 years old. It is a brilliant age; they develop from peanut into kids that learn the game so by the time they are 11, they are able to play the real game: pitching, batting with a wooden bat and a very very very hard ball. On Fridays you can find us at the field while they are practicing, my wife and I enjoy the sun, a drink and see our youngest daughter's intrest in baseball grow as her older brothers perfect their skills. Needless to say that the daughter runs around with a soft bat and can't wait until she is old enough to become a peanut.

Last Friday, the weather was fine, the Duvel was cold and the company was perfect. We were watching the boys playing shout-out-by-batter at the last 10minutes of practice. The batter hits the ball and aims to one of the players defending the field. Each time the defending teams stops a ball, they get a point. Every time the ball ends behind the defending team, they switch positions: batters become fielders, fielders become batters. It is a very good exercice in terms of ball control, communication and teamwork. Our sons were in the same team and in the last inning they were shoulder to shoulder defending as it was a tie game, things got serious. The ball goes in the direction of our youngest son and he misses. Game lost. In the heat of things our eldest screamed: it is your fault we lost.

It all escalated very quickly; the youngest started crying, coach was mad at the eldest and I was furious. This is not how we raised our children; you win together, you lose together. And if there was one thing I hate the most is sour losers. What happend next all happend in a time span of about 35 to 40 seconds: the eldest got a stand from the coach, the youngest was comforted by the other coach and some of the team members. And I went to the dough-out and told the eldest that this was unacceptable and summed him to go to bed directly after dinner. That is in our household about the biggest punishment they can get. After these 45 seconds everybody was calmed and it felt emotionally satisfying to have action-reaction and the universe back in balance.

On our way home we noticed that the eldest was very shocked on what happend. As an 11 year old he expressed himself by mocking and looking angry and sad at the same time. My wife missed the whole incident and I briefed her on what happend. And although we were in agreement that what happend was unacceptable, we noticed how shock up the eldest was. Around that time I realized that I did the same as the average safety professional: rule broken, punishment, law and order. But wasn't it me that told my managers that punishment is a real stupid idea if you want to learn and improve? Indeed, the self declared new view specialist was doing the exactly the opposite of what he preaches. And as it goes in the real world; the punishment didn't solve a thing. My wife and I had a conversation earlier on the day on how we both have different strategies when it comes to our children and that we should try to figure out a balanced way on how we approach these crisis situations. And so we did, we tried what is called restorative justice.

I learned about restorative justice in the history books as a part of the aftermath of the South African apartheid regime. Instead of asking what rule has been broken, who did it and what punishment the offender deserves, restorative justice asks a set of different questions. Howard Zehr, an American criminologist describes the questions as following: who has been hurt, what are their needs and who's obligation is it to meet these needs? The ones involved gain a mutual understanding and agreement on how the wrongdoing must be resolved. This type of justice can improve the accountability, personal involvement and it develops the emotional growth of a person. The proces of forgiveness and processing can start without frustration and anger. Mutual agreement as a bandage over an emotional scar.

At the kitchen table after the training we asked the youngest; what do you need? And all he needed was a hug from his big brother. No more, no less. The eldest we asked how he wants to correct the wrongdoing and he said that he wanted to apologize, give the youngest a hug and play some board games together. And so it went. It deescalated to a fun family evening where everybody went to bed with a good feeling.

Looking at this story, the parallels with the workplace are clear; if we want people to speak up, we need to create a psychologically safe environment. An environment where it is ok to make a mistake, where you can give an account of what has happend instead of made accountable. Important to know is that not punishing isn't the same as letting them off the hook. It actually does quite the opposite; it gives all stakeholders to figure out what their needs are and how we can adres these needs the best.

And for all of you Safety II, Safety Differently, New View,... practitioners; it is ok to fall back to old habits from time to time. The reflection afterwards give you the opportunity to practice what you preach: people make mistakes and that's ok.