The lost art of liking ...

... rediscovering presence in a world obsessed with love!

Introduction

As children, our social world revolved around a simple question: "Do you like me?" We formed friendships based on mutual enjoyment, shared interests, and the simple pleasure of each other's company. We didn't talk about love—we talked about liking. Yet somewhere in the transition to adulthood, we shifted our language from "liking" to "loving," often without noticing what was lost in that transition.

Today, we find ourselves in the peculiar position of professing love for others while simultaneously complaining about them, criticizing them behind their backs, and attempting to change them. We speak about loving our neighbors, loving our enemies, and loving humanity, yet our actions and private thoughts often reveal a profound absence of genuine appreciation for those same people.

This article explores a radical proposition: what if the healing our relationships and society need isn't more talk of love, but a return to authentic liking?

The Etymology of Liking: Presence and Pleasure

The original meaning of the word "like" was "pleasing" or "suitable"—something that brings us genuine enjoyment. When we like someone, we take pleasure in their presence. We appreciate them as they are, without an agenda to change or improve them. There's a simplicity and honesty to liking that sometimes gets lost in our loftier discussions of love.

This original definition reveals something profound about human connection. To genuinely like someone requires presence—the capacity to be fully attentive to who they are rather than who we wish they were. It requires us to drop our projections, expectations, and judgments long enough to experience the person before us.

The Love Paradox: Professing Love While Practicing Judgment

"I love my husband, but he drives me crazy when he..." "I love all people, but those [political group] are destroying our country..." "I love my neighbor, but I wish they would stop..."

These familiar phrases reveal a fundamental disconnect in how we understand love. We've created a version of love that somehow coexists with complaint, criticism, and conditional acceptance. This isn't the heart-centered presence that characterizes genuine connection; it's a conceptual love that allows us to maintain our self-image as loving people while continuing to judge others.

As one wise observer noted, "You cannot be grateful and complain at the same time." Similarly, you cannot truly love someone while simultaneously judging, criticizing, or attempting to change them. True heart-centered presence accepts what is, including the full humanity of the other person—their beliefs, habits, and ways of being that might differ dramatically from our own.

Escaping Presence: How Judgment Becomes Normalized

When we step out of presence and into judgment, we create a separation between ourselves and others. This separation allows us to normalize unkind thoughts, words, and actions because we're no longer relating to the actual person but to our idea of them—often reduced to a collection of traits we find annoying or threatening.

In today's polarized environment, this pattern has intensified. We've created social and media ecosystems that reward judgment and outrage while punishing nuance and acceptance. The result is a culture where escaping presence—disconnecting from our hearts and from genuine encounters with others—has become the norm rather than the exception.

Each time we engage in gossip about a colleague, criticize our partner to friends, or dehumanize those with different political views, we're practicing absence rather than presence. We're strengthening neural pathways of judgment rather than connection. Over time, these habits become so ingrained that we no longer notice the disconnect between our professed love and our practiced judgment.

Returning to Authentic Liking: A Radical Alternative

What if, instead of trying to love those we find difficult, we began with the more modest but perhaps more honest goal of simply liking them? Not liking everything they do or believe, but liking their essential humanity—finding something genuinely pleasing about their existence.

This shift from conceptual love to authentic liking requires:

1. Presence: The capacity to be fully attentive to what is, rather than what we wish were different
2. Curiosity: A genuine interest in understanding another's perspective without needing to change it
3. Differentiation: The ability to disagree with someone's views while still appreciating their humanity
4. Pleasure: Rediscovering what we genuinely enjoy about others, even those who challenge us

This isn't about lowering our standards for relationship; it's about bringing more honesty and presence to how we engage with others. It's about acknowledging that true connection begins not with lofty ideals of universal love but with the simple, present-moment experience of genuine appreciation.

From Personal to Social Transformation

The implications of this shift extend far beyond our personal relationships. Our current social divisions are sustained by our collective habit of judgment—our ability to dehumanize those who think differently while still believing ourselves to be loving, progressive, or enlightened people.

Imagine a political discourse grounded in the question: "What can I genuinely appreciate about those whose views differ from mine?" Not as a pretense or spiritual bypass, but as an honest inquiry into our shared humanity. This doesn't mean abandoning our values or not working toward change. Rather, it suggests that genuine social transformation begins with our capacity to remain present with what is, including the people whose views challenge us most deeply.

As we develop what might be called "presence resilience"—the capacity to stay heart-centered even when triggered by differences—we create the conditions for authentic dialogue rather than further polarization.

Practical Steps Toward Authentic Liking

How might we begin to cultivate this capacity for authentic liking in our daily lives?

1. Notice the Disconnect: Become aware of moments when you profess love while harboring judgment. This awareness itself begins to dissolve the pattern.
2. Practice Micro-Presence: When interacting with others, practice brief moments of complete attention. What happens when you drop your agenda and simply experience the person before you?
3. Seek Genuine Enjoyment: Ask yourself regularly: "What do I genuinely like about this person?" Focus on qualities that bring you authentic pleasure rather than what you "should" appreciate.
4. Distinguish Between Actions and Essence: Practice separating your response to someone's behaviors or beliefs from your response to their essential humanity.
5. Express Authentic Appreciation: Share specific, genuine observations about what you like about others. Notice how this differs from generic compliments or praise.

These practices may seem simple, but they represent a profound reorientation of how we relate to others. They invite us to move from conceptual love to embodied appreciation, from judgment to presence.

Conclusion: Beyond Love to Authentic Connection

There is, of course, a place for the deeper commitments and connections we call love. But perhaps these deeper bonds might be built on a foundation of genuine liking—of heart-centered presence and authentic appreciation—rather than on concepts and obligations.

In a world obsessed with love but practiced in judgment, the radical act may not be to love more but to like more authentically. To be present enough to find genuine pleasure in the humanity around us, even when it challenges us. To rediscover the simple enjoyment of others that came so naturally in childhood but often eludes us as adults.

This return to authentic liking represents not a lowering of our relational aspirations but an elevation of our presence, honesty, and capacity for genuine connection. It offers a path forward for healing our divided relationships, communities, and society—not through more talk of love, but through the embodied practice of present, heart-centered appreciation.

As we cultivate this capacity, we may discover that the lines between liking and loving begin to blur. That authentic appreciation, grounded in presence, naturally evolves into the deeper connection we've been seeking all along. And that what makes love sustainable isn't obligation or idealism, but the simple, renewable pleasure of genuinely liking those we love.

About the Author:

Tammy L. Davis is a Clinical Neuroaromatherapist, Bioadaptive Wellness Specialist and founder of Revolutionary Aromatherapy | BridgeWise Foundation with extensive experience in biological communication systems and their application in addiction recovery and co-occurring conditions. Her work bridges neurobiology, adaptation mechanisms, and traditional healing approaches to develop evidence-based protocols that support natural recovery processes.