The Lost Art of Etiquette

A little background on this word. One definition states that etiquette is “the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.” Synonyms include protocol, polite behavior, good manners, manners, acceptable behavior, accepted behavior, proper behavior, code of behavior, rules of conduct or behavior, decorum, form, good form, courtesy, politeness, civility, propriety, formalities, niceties, punctilio, custom, customary behavior, convention, conformity, conventionality, politesse, the thing to do, and couth. I like to refer to it as simply “good manners”.  

There are some who believe, particularly in the business world, that brute competence wins out over good manners. But ask yourself this: who would you rather work with – a person that is highly capable and rude, or someone that is marginally capable and polite? Just as Ecclesiastes states, there is a time and place for all things. I propose there is a time for being direct, and there is a time for being polite, and the two do not have to be exclusive. Would you rather be thought of as “very competence but difficult to work with” or “really knowledgeable and a pleasure to work with”?  

There are many classes and publications on this topic with a great deal of specific information on what to do and how to behave in any given situation. I don’t propose to improve upon that list, nor do I wish to add to it. What I do propose is a reminder of lessons learned. What better perspective to start with than… a child’s.  

Have you ever noticed how all children share certain characteristics? Some are shy, some are outgoing, some are active, others are more sedentary. However, they are all brutally honest when they are being open with you. And they can be the most gracious, forgiving, and genuine people you’ll ever be blessed with knowing.  

My recommendation is a very simple, two-point reminder for us all. First, take the best from the child’s example (e.g. be honest, open, genuine, gracious, and forgiving) and incorporate this into our daily personal interactions with EVERYONE regardless of their position, rank, character, background, beliefs, or past treatment of YOU. Second, a minor revision to the golden rule – treat others the way THEY want to be treated, not necessarily the way YOU want to be treated. This requires getting to know the other person at least a little. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes before saying what’s on your mind. Consider their perspective which will be different than yours. And remember the goal for your communication. See my article on communication for more information specific to that subject.  

When one practices this approach consistently, something wonderful happens. It turns out that good manners can be contagious. Not everyone will “drink the Kool-Aid” but often a good example is all that is needed to inspire those around you. Remember, everyone you meet is going through something. As a line from a movie states, being polite “…means making the other person as comfortable as possible, under the circumstances.”  Let’s treat each other with respect and dignity, and restore the lost art of etiquette in our daily dealings.