The Lost Art of Disagreeing.

How to disagree in a healthy, beneficial way for better relationships in work and life.

Intro. 

    Openly disagreeing with someone is always uncomfortable and can sometimes create anger, hurt feelings, and frustration. Because of this most people do everything in their power to avoid open disagreements. The problem is that this often leads to bigger issues and even more dysfunctional relationships, as well as cutting off the possibility of growth. In this article I’ll share my perspectives on the benefits of disagreeing, what makes disagreements is so difficult, common pitfalls during disagreements, as well as some techniques to have more healthy, productive disagreements that leave both parties and their relationship better off.

Benefits of Disagreeing.

    Most of us think of disagreeing as a negative thing to be avoided if at all possible. I disagree. I see disagreement as being an incredibly valuable situation that we should be thankful for. These are some of the principal benefits of healthy disagreement. 

   Firstly, it allows us all to form more informed and well rounded opinions. Everyone has biases in their thinking and we are usually unduly influenced by our limited background and experiences. By openly discussing areas of disagreement and hearing others point of view we can benefit from their knowledge and background. This will diversify and enrich our perspective in a way we couldn’t replicate on our own. 

   Secondly, it helps us get to know each other better. In the process of discussing our varied points of view we will also directly and indirectly reveal aspects of our personality, our background, and our values to each other. Even if we never agree about the topic at hand this will help each of us to understand and empathize with the other at a deep level that we rarely get to while we are in agreement. 

   Lastly, it helps to build trust. We as humans have a deep need to feel like we are seen, heard, understood, and that we are accepted as we are. As mentioned above, you get to know someone very well when you are sharing your disagreements in a healthy manner. When we, as humans, feel like we understand someone else and that they understand us (even if we still disagree) we can’t help but feel some trust and a deeper connection with them. Most importantly, when we go to what is usually an uncomfortable and vulnerable place with someone and come out of it unharmed it gives us confidence that we have nothing to fear from potential future conflicts with that person. Going forward, that creates a certain “safety net” around that person in our mind that allows us to interact and relate to them in an environment of greater trust.

Why Disagreeing is So Hard.

   The first and simplest reason why openly disagreeing with someone is so hard is because most of us tend to avoid any situation or conversation that is uncomfortable or awkward and disagreeing with someone will almost always feel awkward at the beginning. 

   The second reason why voicing our disagreement is so difficult is that it is a skill that most of us are unpracticed in. Disagreeing in a healthy way doesn’t come naturally to many people and most people are never taught how to do it well. During the formative years of our lives most of us are strongly discouraged from expressing disagreement with authority figures (teachers, parents, etc). Even conflicts between friends or siblings are typically either resolved for us by the adults in our lives, or we’re left on our own to resolve them in what are often unhealthy ways.

   Finally, and most importantly, sharing disagreement feels incredibly vulnerable to us because we all have a strong innate human desire to be liked and to be accepted. Disagreeing openly puts us at risk of rejection and of being disliked. This effect is especially strong in those among us without a strong sense of identity and self worth. If your self esteem comes from validation from others there is nothing riskier to your sense of self than open disagreement. 

Common Disagreeing Pitfalls.

   By far, the most common result of what I’ve described above is that people just don’t openly express disagreement. They opt instead to remain silent because it’s easier and less risky. The problem with this is that all of the aforementioned benefits of disagreement are locked away, so the issue at hand, as well as the relationship in general, tends to just stagnate. This is also a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness. All too often feuds and dysfunctions in a relationship develop without either party being fully aware of what they are doing that is causing it. 

   The next problem I see a lot is when some discussion happens, but it is unclear and ineffective. One way this can play out is where one or both parties just aren’t saying enough. This usually happens when one or both parties are unwilling to talk about “the hard stuff”. They’ll kind of cover some of the issues caused by the problem without actually tackling the real underlying problem. Related to this is people’s tendency to engage in a difficult conversation but to leave too early, before anything has really been resolved. This usually takes the form of a so called “agreement” being reached long before anything has actually been resolved. Both parties still disagree, and one or both of them are probably feeling resentful, but it’s just so much easier to say “Ok, you’re right, sounds good, let’s do that” than it is to actually take the time to express your frustrations, misconceptions, and opinions. This has all the downside of a disagreement without any of the upside discussed earlier.

   One other thing I’ve seen happen during a difficult conversation that hampers a successful outcome is when those involved are willing to engage and tackle the issue at hand, but in the heat of the moment they struggle to express themselves articulately. Like it or not, emotions are going to be running high during these conversations and that can make it hard to think clearly and express subtle yet important aspects of your point of view. This is especially true when you aren’t clear with yourself exactly where you stand. 

   The final way that conversations can go wrong is when one or both parties become aggressive, violent, or just downright mean. As is true in most areas of human behavior the most explosive and “over sized” reactions you see during disagreements are usually defensive in nature. This defensive reaction typically happens when someone’s feeling of safety or sense of self is threatened by what the other party is saying. This can be made even worse if you’re bringing up the difficult topic in the wrong setting (who’s around who can hear?) or at an inappropriate time (what else is going on in their head right now?). So be sure to keep those things in mind when choosing when/where to bring up items of disagreement. 

   I have one more idea I’d like to share that falls within the lines of “over sized reactions” during disagreements. I believe that all humans have an inner need to find a larger purpose in their lives beyond just going to work and paying the bills. We need a battle to fight or a cause to strive for that is beyond ourselves. Our society does not easily provide that to people. We have no great war to rally around or common enemy to pit ourselves against like so many generations before us had. This is overall a good thing, but it certainly leaves a void in a lot of people’s lives that they fill in by becoming extra passionate about sports teams, politics, and social causes. These become a sort of “crusade” for them and when someone disagrees with them on the issue it can feel like a personal attack on their identity. I believe some people’s violent hatred of Donald Trump or fanatical support of the NRA can be best understood through this lens. 

The better way.

   OK, now we’ve covered the benefits of disagreeing, we understand why disagreeing is so hard, and we’ve discussed some of the most common “pitfalls” people fall into when attempting to disagree. Now what? Is there really a better way? Or is this just an inescapable reality of being human? Well this would be a pretty lame article if I didn’t share some ideas on how to disagree in a healthy, productive manner so that’s what we’ll tackle next.

Preparation.

    Make sure you take the time to sit down in advance of your discussion and get clear on exactly where you disagree and exactly what your issues are. You can’t expect to communicate all of that clearly to your partner if you aren’t clear on it yourself. 

    Next you need to consider your partner’s style, personality, and preferences. Think about what time of day they tend to be the most alert and energetic, any emotional hot button areas they may have that relate to your disagreement, and what their default views and/or biases might be. This would be a really good time to get familiar with the “Personality Matrices” that Vanessa Van Edwards describes in her book Captivate as these will really help you understand “how the other person ticks” and how to have a productive conversation with them. 

   Finally, as you’re preparing for the discussion keep in mind that no matter how much preparation you do you will probably never feel comfortable about it. Lean into that discomfort, allow yourself to feel it, and do what you need to do. Otherwise you’ll procrastinate and delay and may never get around to actually having this important conversation. 

Starting off on the right foot.

     The first thing to do is to explain that you have some points of disagreement to discuss and ask if they’re open to hearing an alternate viewpoint. Most people will say “yes”. If they say “no” you can either accept it (the conversation probably wouldn’t have gone well anyway), or you can explain to them how important it is to you to have this discussion and offer to talk at another time that’s better for them. 

     Next it is crucially important that you establish “guard rails” around the conversation before you jump in. Explain what the point of disagreement is, share with them your motives for having this discussion and what you hope to accomplish during your time together. If your prep work revealed any fears/insecurities you think might affect your partner take a moment at this time to assuage those fears/concerns and assure them of what this conversation is NOT about. 

    Finally, for particularly thorny topics and risky conversations use the line “The story I’m telling myself is” before sharing what you’re thinking/feeling. This frees you up to say what is truly on your mind without as much risk of offending your partner or making them feel threatened. I first learned this line in Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong and it has become a staple of every difficult conversation I have both at work and at home. 

Having a healthy conversation.

    First off, it’s good to start by highlighting areas where you do agree before revealing your disagreements. This helps them to see you as someone who is generally on their side rather than an adversary and can even make them feel less threatened when you challenge their other views.

    In his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Dr. Stephen Covey encourages his readers to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. That is probably the most important mindset you can adopt when discussing a disagreement. For one thing you may actually change or modify your views once you understand your counterpart and the disagreement may melt away once you’re on the same page. However, even if you don’t change your views after hearing theirs, you have to remember that they will be unwilling to open themselves up to any new ideas from you until they feel like you’ve listened to, and understood them. Only after you fully understand why it is they think what they do should you proceed to share your viewpoint. 

   If for some reason you can’t get a clear grasp on their worldview at the outset you can gain a deeper understanding of their position by opening up the floor for them to share their thoughts immediately after each opposing viewpoint you lay out. Rather than just bulling through everything you have to say in an attempt to force them into agreeing with you try stopping after every point and asking “What are your thoughts on that?”. 

   When trying to get your partner to open up their minds to your perspective you need to make assertions about your viewpoint, not about reality. Don’t use “This is how it is” statements, rather use “This is how I see it” statements. You’re getting the same information across but without raising their defenses. 

    On the note of not raising their defenses I also need to encourage you to avoid using the word “you” as much as possible. Nothing will trigger defense mechanisms as fast as making statements about them or their actions. Instead frame every statement from your perspective by using the word “I”. For example, replace “You’re spending our marketing dollars in all the wrong places” with “To me it looks like we could get better ROI by spending our marketing dollars elsewhere”. In your personal life you could replace “You’re so disrespectful to me” with “When you say stuff like that I feel disrespected”. This subtle shift still gets the message across but without making your partner feel personally attacked. 

Wrapping up.

    Now that you’ve spent the time and energy to do all of this prep work and have gotten through what may have been an uncomfortable dialogue it is time to wrap things up. The goal is to do it in such a way that ensures you are both on the same page, and that your relationships remains intact, if not even strengthened, after the interaction. 

    It is very important that before the conversation ends you summarize what took place and where you both stand. Be sure to include where you agree, where you still disagree, in what areas each of your perspectives have shifted, and especially any changes that are expected to happen as a result of the conversation (behavior changes, specific action items, etc). Without this crucial step you may well find yourselves having the same discussion again, only this time you’ll each be even more frustrated with the other. 

    The final step is to take a moment to affirm the relationship by thanking the other person for their time and for being so open and honest with you. It takes real courage to have these difficult conversations and the fact that they engaged with you instead of blowing you off is a sign that they care about the relationship. I like to use some version of “Thanks so much for talking this through with me, I know it wasn’t easy but I’m glad we did it and I really appreciate you being so open and honest with me about where you stand”. As stated earlier when a confrontation wraps up in this way it helps both parties see that they are safe to go into a difficult place with the other person and still come out of it intact. This will only ever build a feeling of trust and safety and strengthen the relationship.

Conclusion.

   Disagreement and confrontation are difficult and awkward. It is so much easier to just say nothing than to engage in what I described above. In fact sometimes you may well choose to avoid an open disagreement and just keep your mouth shut. Sometimes this may actually be the best course of action (Just the other day I was visiting with a relative I only see once a year and in the middle of the warmest winter and hottest summer on record they made some disparaging remarks about Al Gore and climate change that I simply chose to ignore). However, when it comes to relationships with spouses and business partners that require you to work well together and be on the same page the “say nothing” approach can be devastating. In situations where the relationship requires consensus, or when mistakes by your partner can be costly and need to be addressed, you can use the above techniques to ensure you have a disagreement that leaves all parties and the relationship better off because of it.