Loss, Reflection, and Renewal

That's the way the world goes round. The last couple of weeks have been both rough and inspiring. I think there are some overlapping themes, but decide for yourself.

Getting Helped Whilst Trying to Help Out

A law student at the University of South Carolina Law school passed away unexpectedly. Several of us experienced (i.e., "aging") attorneys went over to the law school (at the behest of the good folks at Lawyers Helping Lawyers), in order to lend an ear or a shoulder to grieving students. I don't think we did much good for the students. Would you listen to a guy who 1) never shuts up; and 2) frequently makes reference to someone named "Fred Sanford"? Plus, I know that as a youth I actively disdained (nay, mocked) grey-haired men offering advice.

However, we had a chance to hang out with one another and reflect on our own careers and lives. Here are some observations:

• I'm Ok, and You're Ok, But Who Knows How That Happened. We realized that we are relatively comfortable in our own skins, professionally and otherwise. That shorthand describes mostly the absence of so many things that used to dominate our view of the world: the lawyers we thought we wanted to be; the goals we thought we needed to attain; all the ways in which we hadn't or couldn't measure up. And we couldn't recall when that tipping point or shift occurred.
• I Don't Remember, Were We Wild and Young? Similarly, we tried to recall our 25-year old selves and how we might have reacted to a tragedy back then. The tools I used to manage emotion in those days were a little different. See above about taking advice and the certainty of youth. Let's just say that 1995 me would have made a beeline to the Public House and tried to drown that pain.
• We're Tethered to Others. We're so worried about our children, and desperately hoping they're going to be ok. I know that I can't shield my kids from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. But the desire to protect them never goes away. This exchange between Jason Robards and Steve Martin sums it up:

• We Said, We Must Get Together, But We Knew It'd Never Be Arranged. We lamented how we never create opportunities to have these important conversations and spend time with one another. And promised we'd do better . . . (See below for when we manage to do a little better).
• You Can't Teach Experience. Calling back to most of the above, there really isn't a playbook for living, learning, and growing. But we're doin' the best that we can. And hopefully we're not going it alone. That's all I got for advice.

“It’s funny.?I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience.?But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools- friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty – and said ‘do the best you can with these, they will have to do.’?And mostly, against all odds, they do.”?-Anne Lamott

Speaking of Friendships . . .

A bunch of college friends had the good fortune to spend the weekend together. We've known one another for more than 35 years. We laughed, retold stories, grieved those we've lost, discussed the challenges of caring for children and parents simultaneously, and celebrated just how precious and important these relationships are. And we promised we'd do it again soon.

It WAS Just Like Old Times

Well, not exactly . . .