Loss, Grief, and the River of Life

Many of you have seen the heading of this article and simply clicked on it, out of curiosity.

No. It's not a morbid sob story that will make your eyes water or make your insides cringe.

It's a post for all of those who have encountered loss of a loved one or will do so in future... In short, it's a post for everyone who care to get a perspective. Read on if this intrigues you...

So, what is it like to lose someone you deeply love?

Let me tell you...

It is nothing like you have seen, heard, learnt, or prepared yourself for. It is far beyond comprehension.

Each one of us have our own coping mechanism. This is when you truly acknowledge the value of mental health, physical health and the difference that gets created with the support of loved ones. You also get to know what can drive people delirious and insane.

You enter a new phase of life after this life event where you encounter loss. There is a clear BEFORE and AFTER.

You might ask...what makes Tina an authority to write about this? She is not a doctor or a psychologist!

Well, I neither claim to be an authority on anything; nor am I a doctor or a psychologist. What I am is someone who has experienced recent loss... up, close, and personal. I will not bore you with details (I promised not to deliver a sob story) but I can tell you this... there is life AFTER.... the living on with the grief. That's the dreaded bit. How do you wake up every day and keep going about your life? Before I give you a glimpse of what that can be... let me cover something else first.

If you are someone on the fortunate other side, what can you BE or DO to support someone in this situation?

1. Just be there to Listen... speak less, hear more. The most irritating conversations I have had is, when people have told me their life stories when I was barely able to deal with mine. The intent is good but it doesn't work!
2. Offer words of encouragement... when offered genuinely, they have huge impact. Remind your friend to eat, drink and not neglect their wellbeing. Assure them that they are loved in more ways than they can see at this time. Do not offer solutions or try to fix people's life... the last thing they need is being imposed with someone else's happiness agenda.
3. Don't tell people to BE strong or Move on... This can ignite more frustration than can be expressed. Resort to gathering good memories to change the doom and gloom. Have allowance for your friend even if they do not listen to you. Remind them ... Tomorrow is another day and it will get better; it's the river of life. It never stops flowing.
4. Offer genuine help... Life events of loss are accompanied by lot of paperwork, running around and logistics. If you are not a great listener or motivator and you find yourself at a loss for words, offer your help in taking-on some of the admin work in whatever capacity you can. This is the best way a do-er can express true caring.

Back to the topic...

How do you wake up every day and keep going about your life?

This is how the living AFTER this life event can look like.

1. This phase of life can teach you Gratitude in true sense... It taught me to expand my gratitude for everyone who showed up and stuck by my side. The grief hasn't vanished, it comes in waves ... some days are good; some are bad but I have been humbled to see, the number of people who have expressed their love and caring in unimaginable ways. It is though this love, caring and kindness of countless people, I gather courage to wake up every morning and function throughout the day.
2. This phase of life has also gifted me the awareness of the lies I have told myself and expectations I have had from friendships, relationships, family, and the journey of life itself.
3. Holding on to grudges only makes you a Toxic, bitter person... Life is too short. Before going to bed every night, make your peace with everyone and everything without judgement... even if it means you have to agree to disagree. There may not be a tomorrow.
4. Invest your time in developing genuine bonds - it's the best investment that is. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable with the people whom you care about... From the place of Vulnerability comes the joy of real friendships and relationships.
5. Live in the present. Don't plan too much ahead in the future. Definitely do not make a promise you can't keep - I will be there for you forever OR I will always be there for you. They sound great but tomorrow is a mystery my friend, there are no guarantees.

As you enter this phase of your life, I wish you luck, strength, vulnerability, and courage in abundance, to receive and embrace the gift of life. The choices you will make along the way will determine whether your journey will be a celebration or misery.

If you are feeling stuck or frozen in a moment of a horrible memory, remember.... It's the river of life, it flows eternally. The only way to truly experience it, is to flow along. Know that you are not alone.

I sincerely hope that this article will touch people's lives and make a small difference.

With Gratitude,

Tina Chakrabarti