THE LOSS & GAIN OF BEING OURSELVES

“To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want, causes us to be exiled from ourselves”. These lines from “Women Who Run With the Wolves” haunt me. It captures the paradox of identity as it examines who we are, beyond what we are born into: community/religion/country/gender.

As we evolve there is the need and desire to be true to ourselves and to live authentically from a place that is true to the values that we have come to believe in vs. what we are socialised into. If there is a lack of alignment between our given identities and our chosen identities; which includes a clash in values, beliefs, modes of behavior and expression; eventually two things occur. A splitting of the psyche or a numbing/deadness which inhibits true aliveness.

SPLITTING OF THE PSYCHE

This phenomenon occurs when we inhabit multiple versions of ourselves but in a manner that is covert or furtive. When we exist in a way that does not have the ‘approval’ of institutions we live within like the family, workplaces and our community, it can trigger existential dilemma: to belong there must be conformity. To conform denies the truth of ourselves.

To arrive at a place of some congruity; there needs to be an inner-acceptance of ourselves, which can only come from understanding and knowing ourselves. This requires the courage to look within and answer question that are centered around who we ‘want’ to be rather than how we think we ‘should’ live. Should is about social conditioning and societal values and culture. Want is about ourselves.

For example, “mothers should sacrifice for the family”. The ‘want’ is how we actually feel, “I want to have my own life and career”. Another example, “I should be behaving and acting like a man because I am born one” vs. “I feel like a woman in a man’s body. I want to be a woman”.

Exploring, "who do I want to be” with courage and self-compassion can be?life-changing and life-defining. To align ourselves with our core ‘Self’ and bring us closer to understanding who we truly are in essence, questions like these need to be explored without judgement or self-criticism: “What do I want”? “What do I yearn for”? “What brings me alive”? or “Where do I feel alive”?

HOLDING BOTH: THE LOSS & GAIN OF OURSELVES

To gain one part of who we are often means there is a loss or death of another part of ourselves. It is between this eternal dance between loss and gain where we must seek to find balance. An essential part of our identity comes from the communities we are born into. Often, especially in the case of the queer community, it becomes difficult to be authentic while living in the same community that may not be accepting of non-binary gender identity.

In order to retain a part of community-culture, people often move away from their places of origin. A queer woman who is deeply entrenched in a community culture where the community is more important than individuality, may choose to move away from her home town and claim her queerness in another town, rather than confront or bring ‘dishonor’ (social conditioning) to her parents and family with her authentic self.

?In doing this she remains true to herself while at the same time losing parts of herself. For example, she may never get married with the rituals and traditions of her community because these rituals are heteronormative.

HOW DO WE RECONCILE LOSING ONE PART OF OURSELVES TO GAIN ANOTHER?

The nature of life, existence and growth means that parts of us are continuously dying to facilitate growth of other parts. Perhaps we can be kinder to ourselves and accept that we cannot be all things to all people. ?The key phrase here is ‘kind to ourselves’, which means holding ourselves with compassionate understanding.

It is from a place of compassion that recognition must come that living without authentic alignment to our essential self is numbing or causing deep conflict or trauma within ourselves. A compassionate understanding and holding of ourselves is the first step towards giving ourselves permission to make the required choice as well as sacrifice and compromise to live in congruence with our ‘whole’ self.

UNDERSTANDING DEATH OF SELF FOR GAIN OF SELF

For new life to take grow, it often demands, the death of an old life, which can be overwhelming and ?frightening. It is a process that must be slow because the time taken to answer questions like the below is necessary and essential to arriving at a place for ‘readiness for action’ or ‘compassionate in-action” till one is ready. One may never be ready, but an understanding of why this is so, will enable a better holding of that knowledge.

Questions to reflect on while on an inner-journey of discovery and understanding:

·??“Which parts of ourselves are we willing to let die so a new essential part can be born”?

·??“What do I know should die, but am hesitant to allow to do so and why"? This might mean loss of community, loss of security, loss of perceived social standing.

·??“What life am I afraid to give birth to? If not now, when”? This revolves around the ‘readiness’ to move towards one’s choice. How can one prepare for it? What support systems need to be installed? Is there any skills training to be done? What financial security needs to be built? Are there friends and places of refuge to turn to where one will be held with loving acceptance?

Whether we choose to act on our information or not; the first step to healing, to retaining the ‘whole’ of ourselves is to know ourselves. To understand the restlessness, the unease, the longing, the lack of happiness or fulfilment.

To know ourselves we must know our shadow. Within the shadow lies the light.

Note: Questions posed & the article are inspired from, “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, Clarissa Pinkola Estes a Jungian psychoanalyst, scholar and poet.

NAOMI GEORGE

WELL-BEING MENTOR & DEI CONSULTANT