Losing Inhibitions

When you lose what held you back

Part of growing up is loss.

Losing parts of yourself. For example, losing self-consciousness.

When I stepped on stage at 13 for the first time, I played Hera in a production of “Greek Myths and Fables.” My role was to open the show by reciting a monologue and hold a silver egg on a dark stage in a spotlight, alone.

It sounds so profound now, but I think the wisdom fell on deaf self-conscious, burning-red ears.

Rehearsals were okay, but I remember feeling intense relief that for the public performances, my face would not in the spotlight – just my extended hand. Knowing I was somewhat anonymous made me feel freer to lift my voice on stage. Little did I realize until later when my parents saw the production that I was, in fact, visible the whole time.

Apparently the spotlight wasn’t nearly as crisp as I’d imagined, being a high-school gym spotlight. This beam of light had no hard edges, keeping me in the dark. It illuminated everything it landed near – including my 13-year old face. In this way, my perception of anonymity was taken from me. Embarrassment, too, set in but with the delay between the event and realizing I wasn’t as hidden as I thought, I realized it didn’t kill me.

My sense of self grew as I learned how to treat this space like it was mine in coming productions. The actor’s job is to not simply survive the stage, but to own it. To dominate the space. To carry the story in your voice, emotions and body to the audience. I didn’t know how to do that – at all. But I recognized it when I saw it. That’s what kept me coming back.

The brain cannot distinguish between real and imagined experiences. So owning imagined space as a character did, in fact, created a sense of expansion in myself.?In the next few productions, I played arrogant or male characters. Far from my normal public persona, these roles helped me stretch. I projected myself into dominance, and was quite good at these roles.

Over time, my brain perceived that I was, in fact, taking up more space. As a result, my confidence grew in all kinds of roles. I started to look forward to acting. Off stage I felt more comfortable in conversations, social groups, and eventually, classrooms.? Over the years, I forgot about how humiliated I used to be.? By my 20s I had lost many of the inhibitions and concerns about what people thought of me.

The opposite of self-consciousness isn’t just confidence – it’s becoming unafraid. Unafraid of others, and of oneself.

That's Joanna's Story: What About Yours?

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