As you feel that tear run down your face

You feel that one tear slowly run down your face, and as you close your eyes another follows, this is the moment your met with emotion. Emotion can come in so many ways and I have cried through joy and fear over the years, however the tear that is running down my face right now is one that I didn't think would happen this year. 

As I walked through the Hospital last Thursday I could feel the world around me stop, then the door opens and you see your surgeon. I have walked through this door so many times. However this time was one of the most heart wrenching moments. 

What was to follow has hit me harder than any other time I have walked through that door. 

I could tell after the last scan from the body language of the girl in the MRI unit, I have become good at reading their body language over the years. 

So you sit in the seat looking at a screen of an image of your neck, your praying, hoping and holding onto every inch of life that the tumour has gone, then you see that it has grown even bigger and you feel your heart stop as you know what is about to follow. 

The words didn't even have to leave my surgeons mouth, I knew in the moment all my dreams for 2016 had gone, for me its never been about winning medals in cycling, I just wanted to live and love the sport and in this one moment it was taken taway from me and no matter how hard I fight there is nothing I can do about it.
It has growing so much that if left It would crush my cord and I would stop breathing. 

Last week in training I had a neural attack and found myself lying on the floor in pain and I almost knew then something was wrong, but you believe that its not the tumour, it can't be again!

I have been so lost since Thursday, when I sit and think what is about to come I feel tears run down my face and my heart stop. 
I know I can fight this but also knowing that everything I have worked for since the last surgery is about to be taken away from me is hard. To walk along that corridor in 3 weeks time and climb onto the table to close my eyes once again not knowing if you will ever open them again, or when you do will you be able to stand or will you be paralysised from the neck down.

Letting go of Rio is one thing, and to be so close to the World Champs is hard but the real difficult part is I feel so healthy and Love life. I have spent a few days walking around thinking I am so scared and don't want to let go of life. I have sat on trains, buses and just walked in the rain crying that I am going to miss out on life as I lay in a hospital bed fighting again. I think how many times have I not lived in the moment over the last year and now want to stop time so the next few weeks till surgery go slow and I can love every second of life. 

So in March I will walk into the hospital and give everything I have to walk out and live life to the full. 

Remember to go out live for the moment and love life xxxx