The Loop - Desire, Lack, Anxiety

Anxiety thrives on uncertainty and escalates when we fail to confront it and give ourselves space to feel it. In our pursuit of comfort, we often overlook the significance of sitting with discomfort to understand its origins, and find the ways to deal with the issues that cause it. Instead, we often run away from it or try to override it.

The problem

We live in a world where we are taught that we can be constantly happy, and that if we are not, we are failing.

“If you love what you do you won’t work a day in your life.”

“Smile, it will make you feel better.”

“There are no problems, just opportunities.”

We have so many sayings and motivational quotes which, while partially true, have been used over time to point to the idea that life can happen without discomfort, pain, sadness, problems, or failure.

While some things can help us cope with these situations - smiling does bring a certain comfort - they are not meant as solutions to what we are experiencing. It is important to address the situation. Pain and discomfort are guidance on what we can change or improve in our lives. Creating situations for ourselves where we do not acknowledge them leads to cognitive dissonance, and a lot of us repress the part that tries to tell us what we should address.

This dissonance can be internal, only perceived by ourselves, in a constant struggle to keep ourselves happy, or it can lead to being perceived as not being genuine, not trustworthy, dismissive of real problems, reactions and feelings, and overall break the trust others have in us. If you have considered how to motivate your team, consider that not recognizing problems as they are, but instead calling them opportunities can lead to people feeling that their problems are dismissed. (More on this in a separate post.)

The idea that we can live without pain or discomfort has taken such a deep root in our society that we not only expect it and strive for it, but we are blaming ourselves when we do not achieve it on an ongoing basis.

We desire continuous comfort, endless joy, constant and ongoing success, and when we do not achieve this, we feel that we are lacking. Lacking as employees, as mothers, as providers, as children, as humans overall. We learn this early on.

Our lack can be experienced in many ways, and it can turn into physical sensations. Our nervous system gets triggered, and we are in a state of heightened mental and physical alert.

We try to soothe this with what we see around us - ways to take our mind off things: hobbies, new purchases, trips, working for promotions, for visibility, to prove ourselves. We desire to be happy, without being able to define what happy means.

Desire, Lack, and the Pursuit of Success

Society perpetuates the myth that accumulating possessions brings comfort. However, the truth is that our constant desire creates a perpetual cycle of lack. Rachel Cargle succinctly touches upon this in her post.

The loop intensifies as we fail to appreciate our current successes, always rushing toward the next achievement. The constant need for more, driven by an undefined notion of success, leads to perpetual fatigue, stress, and insecurity. This in turn feeds the desire for more, for better, and the cycle continues with feeling that we lack the next best thing.

Are we driven by the joy of creating, exploring, and being curious, or do we succumb to the tension of comparison and allow the feeling of lacking to motivate us? One path is deeply satisfying, rooted in creativity, experimentation, trial and error going hand in hand as a way of discovering things, while the other fixates on comparing ourselves to something illusive.

In today's world, our constant comparison to a vague definition of ongoing success disrupts the joy of discovery and learning. We measure everything against this undefined success, feeding on our perceived lack rather than building upon achievements and curiosity.

Curiosity as a Core Value

Imagine a company motivated by curiosity rather than societal expectations. While good UX research and the overall idea of entrepreneurship align with this principle, broader corporate values often mirror personal ambitions. The challenge is to seek individuals inspired by curiosity and learning, rather than those motivated by external validations. Asking people what are some of the unexpected things they have learned is a way to understand how they view failure.

The fear of failure, the fear of not being enough, is such a powerful force that it shapes more of our decisions than we are initially aware. And this combination of fear and constantly being “on” then turns into anxiety.

Anxiety, a natural response, thrives on external influences until it becomes uncontrollable. Breaking free requires bravery – understanding its roots, acknowledging external contributors, and refusing to perpetuate the cycle.

In the end, desire, lack and anxiety are intertwined. It is important to reflect on our definition of success, on whether we have something concrete to achieve, and what motivates us to pick this as a definition.

It is an important practice to sit with discomfort, question our own motivations and look back on how these have changed - or have not changed - at each step of the way where we have accomplished something. Do we find satisfaction with our achievements or are we constantly trying to get more? Why?

To work further on breaking the loop that leads to anxiety and the feeling of lacking, and understanding what causes them in each individual case, you can schedule 1:1s here: https://calendly.com/carminb/cbt-session