“Looks don’t matter”.

Why do people say looks don't matter when looks do matter to a lot of people?

What the person is saying is:

“This is a really complex and confusing issue where people judge others based off a physical idea via arbitrarily selected genetics. It is really complex and too hard to think through a solution. I do not want to discuss this, as, if I reflect on my own behavior I find that I too discriminate on the basis of looks, and the thought that I am not a great person makes me uncomfortable”.

or something like that.

“Go on admit it, you’re shallow!”

I find statements like this fall under the category of,

“I am not racist but…”

The whole “Looks don’t matter” statement really is a controlling statement. It is a moral value statement designed to get you to act in certain ways that the person saying it wants you to act.

A statement of manipulation

So an example of this is telling a girl that looks don’t matter. She is perceived to be not that great looking. So what the aggressor will do is come out with the “looks don’t matter” statement. This can come out particularly if she (the not-so-good-looking girl) is taking steps to groom herself, clean, neat clothes make-up, etc. It is a shaming statement directed at the girl to get her to go back to her perceived role as the “homely” girl. It is emotional manipulation.

It is indicative of the background of the people saying the statement. It speaks to the limiting belief systems that they operate under. For them, people have roles. The big white man is in power and is naturally a leader. The female is the wife or the girlfriend or if she is a lesbian then she had emotional issues with men which is why she is with women. The gay man is perverted, The black man is in the service industry and the black woman is exotic and people with disabilities are invisible.

Decent people are identified by their actions, not by what they claim.

I find that people who actually believe that looks do NOT matter, don’t need to come out with this statement. Why vocalize it? You can see it in how they treat people. They are decent to people regardless of the person’s looks and will be drawn to personality or more importantly the “whole package” of others, rather than to something superficial.

And on that note, on grooming

All people have a right to groom themselves and wear clothing that best compliments them. And shows them in a good light. If you want to wear makeup then, by all means, were makeup. If people are shaming you for steps that you are taking to look decent then this is emotional manipulation.

In most societies, there is a social standing that grooming is somewhat important. Good hygiene and a neat tidy appearance is an agreed-upon idea that is about us respecting others by respecting ourselves. (And when I say neat tidy appearance, I don’t mean “frumpy” appearance. I mean clothing and posture that enhances them).