Looking out for each other

The 21 February was the launch day of Samaritans Small Talk Save’s Lives campaign for 2023.

It was also International Mother Language Day with the theme of “multilingual education – a necessity to transform education.”

Each of the more than 7,000 languages spoken worldwide carries within it a unique view of the world and a way of thinking and feeling – so that each disappearance of a language constitutes an irretrievable loss. Globally, 40 per cent of the population don’t have access to education in a language they speak or understand. ?

Where we celebrate difference and uniqueness, coupled with caring and being there for each other, without judgement, we create an environment for great ideas. It can drive performance, innovation, and critically for an organisation like ours, safety. It helps create a thinking environment where everyone’s view is important and valued!?

“Intersectionality”, first coined by Professor Kimberlé Crenshaw (1989) and added to the Oxford Dictionary in 2015, states: “The network of connections between social categories such as race, class and gender, especially when this may result in additional disadvantage or discrimination.”

Intersectionality is the effect of multiple layers of discrimination caused by being a member of two or more of these categories, which are also protected characteristics.?

The impact of language

How do you make others feel? The language we use is important as it can make people visible or invisible, and that can recognise or demean an individual’s contribution to society.

Language shapes our thoughts, and the way we think influences our actions. Gender-blind or discriminatory language reinforces sexist attitudes and behaviour.?

Language, as the medium through which we conduct almost all relationships, bears the imprint of our cultural attitudes. The history of language can be seen like a fossil record of how those attitudes have evolved, or how stubbornly they have stayed the same.?

My challenge to us all is, are we really listening? Are we really present? Do we really care for each other and value others’ opinions? Are we aware of the bias we bring to the language we use? Do we bully through our words and actions??

International Stand-up to Bullying day

This Friday, 24 February, is International Stand-up to Bullying day. It is of course, poignantly, the first anniversary of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

?I’m reminded of words from Charlie Mackesy’s “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” … “What’s the bravest thing you ever said?”. asked the boy. “Help,” said the horse.”?

From time to time, we all need help. If you are experiencing bullying and harassment, it’s important to know this is never your fault. It can happen to anyone, at any age. It can make you feel isolated, take away your confidence and your capability, as it undermines you.?

Sometimes when we are up against it, with deadlines or with pressures from others at work, or just with juggling too many things, we may not display the best versions of ourselves. It is worth taking a step back and considering if how you are behaving is going to get the best out of those around you or is it going to limit them. ?

Bullying and harassment can certainly trigger poor mental health

When I was being treated for clinical depression, I was staggered by the number of people I came across in group therapy who were there because of workplace bullying. There were others too, who had the living nightmare of coping with coercive bullying behaviour at home.?

We like to think that we always operate to the highest standards - that we exceed our values of being empowered to be safe, care about people and teamwork, alongside our behaviours of challenging, accountable, collaborative and customer driven. The success of our business, reputation and future, depends on us all maintaining the highest standards of behaviour and acting with integrity in everything we do. ?

We all have a responsibility to raise concerns, suspicions or knowledge of wrongdoing taking place, including bullying and harassment. Let’s call it out! ?

High performing teams

I listened to a presentation by psychologist Dr Andy Cope, talking about the power of positive interactions. He described high performing teams as having six positive interactions for every negative one with colleagues. He advised that as a very minimum we should have three positive interactions for every negative one to avoid poor wellbeing, and that in our homes we should aim for eight positive interactions for every negative one.

He was particularly talking about how to lift our mood, and how others can sap a room of positive energy – he called these people “mood hoovers.”?

John Gottman, a renowned clinical psychologist, similarly advises we should aim for five positive interactions with our significant other to every negative one. The principle can be applied with all our relationships, whether at home, with friend and neighbours or colleagues.?

Gottman suggests that being familiar with the details of our close friends’ lives and their inner worlds is important to staying emotionally connected through time. We tend to invest a lot of time building this detail in the early stages of the relationship, but this can wane longer term; so, we should continue to invest in those relationships as we go forward, knowing what is important to those around us.?

Psychological wealth

There is a fantastic quote from Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener, in their book "Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth," and for me it is worth reflecting on:

“Relationships are themselves a crucial part of psychological wealth, without which you cannot be truly rich.”?

Our connections with other people are made up of tiny moments and these influence the quality of our relationships and our wellbeing. These moments can be positive, negative or neutral, whoever they are with - strangers, family, colleagues, neighbours or acquaintances. Every second counts!

?Are you mindful of how you come over? Do you make every second count? What efforts are you taking to check in with others? How do you make others feel??

Psychological research points to specific things we can do to increase our positive connections; these can make every day social interactions more enjoyable, helping to establish new relationships and nurture existing ones.

?·??????Stop multi-tasking and start active listening. Why are we always so distracted by our smart phones when others are trying to talk with us?

·??????Be present when someone is trying to speak with you!

·??????At home, we may feel we are compromising both our work and family relationships with competing pressures on our time, but we do always have a choice on how we behave!

·??????Increasing the depth of how you say ‘thank you’ is also well worth doing! Saying how someone having done something, however small, has really helped you. You can then take this a step further and acknowledge a positive quality or strength of the other person.

·??????Ask about good stuff to strengthen rapport and the depth of our relationships. As Thomas Jefferson said: “But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life.” ?

Positivity versus negativity

In her book “10 Keys to Happier Living, A Practical Guide for Happiness,” Vanessa King suggests that before spending time with someone, we should try to spend a few moments recalling positive aspects you value about them. Why not give this approach a try to experience the impact this has on the quality of your interactions with others!

We have the choice to pass on negativity or positivity in our speech.

Small talk can save lives. We never properly know what is going on with someone else and just asking a simple question, starting a brief conversation, might be all that is needed to break someone’s suicidal ideation. If you think poor mental health will never happen to you, or anyone you know, there are some quite startling statistics. ?

·??????In the UK, over 6,000 lives are lost each year to suicide.

·??????Over 880,00 workers suffered from work related stress in 202/21 – with 15.5 million working days lost

·??????In the course of a lifetime, 1 in 5 people have suicidal thoughts; 1 in 14 self-harm; and 1 in 15 people attempt suicide.?

Our words matter. Our attitude matters and crucially, we have a choice over how we come over. As the Dali Lama says: “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”?

Next steps for you??

For railway family colleagues, why not complete the Wellbeing in the Workplace toolkit , it’s a video-based learning tool featuring real people sharing personal experiences? It will help you identify the signs someone may be struggling and it includes a module on active listening.

For our railway family, there is also the fantastic Managing Suicidal Contacts course by Samaritans - email [email protected] to attend. The course, delivered online, takes three hours to complete.

You may wish to complete the Suicide Prevention and Support on the Railway learning tool - a video-based toolkit which you can access by registering here: https://railsuicideprevention.co.uk

Final thoughts on wellbeing

Sometimes we can’t see the next step to take, which is okay. Just one small step is all that is sometimes needed to break free from a negative cycle of thought. Talking to a friend, going for a walk, listening to some music, can all help. Do try to reach out to someone you know and trust. This could be your GP or a friend. Change can be difficult, but the brain is adaptable. It’s a matter of making those changes happen so you can be as well and happy as possible! There are lots of sources of help, including:?

·??????Pam Assist, our 24/7 employee assistance programme for Network Rail employees could help, on 08081 964 505 or via Network Rail dedicated portal www.pamwellbeing.co.uk

·??????The Railway Mission - they are for our railway family regardless of faith or if you have no faith. They can be contacted via [email protected] or 07793 246528 (call, WhatsApp or text) or ?Find a chaplain | Railway Mission

·??????Hub of Hope, set up by the mental health charity Chasing the Stigma. This can be accessed at https://www.hubofhope.co.uk The app also has a Need Help Now? button that links straight through to Samaritans and Crisis Text Line. The app shows help available in your local area.

·??????There is also Andysmanclub, a non-judgemental talking group for men?https://andysmanclub.co.uk/clubs/ and also https://womenswellbeingclub.co.uk offering support for women across the UK.

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Or you could try Samaritans, Mind or Sane. Details are below:

Sometimes it is a lot easier to talk to others who don’t know you. In talking to those closest to you, it might feel you will cause them concern. I certainly found talking therapy very useful, and talking to people I didn’t know, such as through our employee assistance programme provided important stepping-stones to getting professional help.