Looking for the Good

We have all heard the idioms to give us direction during arduous times: 'look for the light at the end of the tunnel', 'find the silver lining', or 'when life gives you lemons, grab tequila and salt'.?The sentiment is nice but finding the good in bad situations is easier said than done.

Our brains are not naturally wired to perceive the goodness in the world around us. In fact, they are conditioned to do the exact opposite. The brain intends to keep us alive and, in order to do that, it focuses on situations that are threatening or fearful. If you are asked to think of a childhood memory (especially without any context), most individuals will immediately remember something scary or painful they experienced. It is unlikely to muse on celebrations or positive familial interactions without prompting or first pushing the more hurtful memories to the back of our awareness. It can become a continuous struggle to override the primal, instinctual qualities of the brain and perceive the world through a different lens.

Simply put, good things happen around us all the time without us taking notice. We are prone to what is called habituation, where the brain ignores the regular day-to-day happenings that do not upset [or threaten to upset] its existence. How many times have you overlooked whether your loved one gave you a kiss before exiting a room? How often have you forgotten whether you have eaten? How many times did you remind your child to say thank you when they already had? Each of these scenarios is seemingly good. Now, ask yourself if you ever forgot about that damn dog that bit you or when that jerkoff almost ran you off the road. The simple thought will make your heart thud in your chest or your palms to sweat.

Allowance for Self-Compassion

While bad times?can extend beyond our personal lives (e.g. human trafficking, child abuse or neglect, war crimes, victims of natural disasters, etc.), we generally are most impacted emotionally and psychologically by harms in our immediate vicinity. We lose our job, fail a test, have a difficult breakup, have family in the hospital, and so forth. These types of life events can be relatively painful, impacting our sense of self and our overall life satisfaction. In many cases, these negative events can stir up negative thoughts about ourselves and our personal image.

It has been said if your sense of compassion does not include yourself then it is incomplete. Not only does self-compassion improve our motivation, resilience, and body image, but it is known to decrease depressive thoughts and increase our optimism. Self-compassion is about acknowledging your own suffering, faults, and mistakes and responding with kindness, caring, and understanding. Sometimes, it is easier to think about it as treating yourself as you might a friend. When we remove the shame and guilt, we will become better equipped to see the good in any given situation.

Take Note of the Positive

The argument has been presented that we should not be telling ourselves fantastical stories, changing facts, or otherwise convincing ourselves that positivity exists for the sake of feeling better about suffering. To be clear, I am not suggesting that we tell falsehoods to feel better about our circumstances; I am stating that the goodness in our lives IS?as abundant as the bad, if not more plentiful. The problem is we are not accustomed to recognizing it.

Taking note of the positive requires practice. We must reprogram our brains to think differently about our circumstances without slumping into survival mode every time something does not go our way. A great way to begin is to make a list of the positives already present in your life. This list can include past, present, or future. For example, you might say, "the trip to the mountains last year was a great getaway", "I exercised today and feel refreshed", or "I have always done the best I can and I am getting better every day." Recognizing the silver lining and repeating these observations daily can help open our awareness to more positive experiences.

An Exercise for You

You may be thinking this sounds really great in theory, but the practice of thinking positively is hard when shit is really hitting the fan. I offer several tips on mindfulness and challenging negative thoughts on my YouTube channel. But here are a few questions to challenge yourself with to pull yourself back to the positive when the negative seems overwhelming. If you would, think of an experience you have had recently and share it in the comments.

• What lessons might be learned?
• Are you stronger for having had this experience?
• If your child, a close friend, or even a fictional character were going through this, what would you say they would've gained?