Looking down upon others constantly

It's true that everybody does some of this. What makes it hard to change is—the thinking/reasoning part of our brain is very small. Like, literally, physically; there's this thin veneer of “human” over the front-most part of your frontal lobes. Everything else is perception, emotion, reaction, and survival responses. And those parts of you, aside from being literally, physically, larger, are much faster.

In most contexts, that's a good thing. We really do want to jerk our hands away from hot stoves, for instance, without having to pause and think about it. But given that we've transitioned very rapidly, as a species, from living in small, uniform clans of hunter-gatherers, to mostly living in large, diverse, unrelated groups of people with varied and specialized skill-sets, it can really screw us up socially.

Therefore the key isn't, actually, reasoning your way out of this. You've already reasoned your way out of it, or you wouldn't be able to ask this question. The thing that you still need to do is to feel your way out of it, and as much as we’d all like to believe that's a quick and easy task—it isn't. You will be working on this for the rest of your life. You'll get better at it—but you won't get done with it.

The parts of your brain that need the most help with this are not terribly intellectually sophisticated. It can be useful to think of this as—your prefrontal cortex is the adult in the room. It needs to help an angry teenager, an anxious toddler, and a panicked infant manage themselves. Some of this is about basic self-regulation. When you're around someone who you feel uncomfortable with—do whatever you always do, to manage uncomfortable feelings (assuming that isn't, like, running, screaming, or punching someone. If it is, it's going to be important for you to build some emotion regulation skills independent of all this, first.)

And some of it is about redirection. For most of us, for example, curiosity precludes panic or hostility (and vice versa). Think about that moment when a howling toddler notices the stuffed animal you're waving around in front of them. Imagine what it would be like to look at someone with the same interest and concern as their parent, their best friend, their partner. What would you wonder about them? What would you hope for them? How would you want them to regard you?

Of course putting yourself in the other person’s shoes isn't bad advice—it turns out, though, that there is a very specific way of doing this that is most effective. If we imagine someone else’s suffering in a way that causes us to suffer, to such an extent that we begin to perceive our suffering (about their suffering) as greater than their own, our most basic tendency is to distance ourselves from them. If, however, we relate their suffering to our own—let me tell you about watching Hidden Figures, as a trans man, in a state where anti-trans bathroom laws are perpetually bouncing on and off the books—it helps our brain start to process that person as a part of us, instead of a part of them.

Some caveats here. This can be really difficult work. It's a good idea to have a friend, therapist, or mentor, who is also engaged in it, and can help you process some of your feelings around it. It's a good idea for that not to be a person who you are actually doing this work, relative to. Remember that you're working on yourself, for yourself—that will definitely have benefits for the people around you; but asking for gratitude from the folks who experience the most direct adverse impacts of this stuff is sort of like expecting strangers to be grateful that you're taking an antibiotic, not just coughing germs all over them.?

This is hard work, and you need support and affirmation in it—get that from people who aren't suffering because it isn't done, yet. There is still benefit in engaging with social and political theory, research, and the personal perspectives of people who are different than you. It can help you deepen your rational engagement with you, as your emotional capacity to do so grows; it can also put you in contact with communities and perspectives that stimulate your growth, at far less cost to the people or groups you're engaging. Implicit bias literature and readings on intersectional identity and oppression would not be a bad place to start.

At some point, you are going to have to go have relationships with people who make you uncomfortable. That will likely be hard for you, and might come at a cost for them. I haven't found a way to avoid either of those things. Be polite; be humble; be willing to apologize and engage other people’s critiques in responsive ways. And keep getting support for yourself—outside the people you are working to engage more effectively and appropriately.

You change it a little bit at a time. You replace it with some repeatedly applicable phrase in your head (Maybe “It’s just people”) that reminds you there’s a wide range of people in the world and it’s ok the world is that way. Most humans have a reflex we’ll call “disgust” that is designed to keep them away from contagious things and people (even if the contagion is low social status). Part of what you’re coping with is your sensation of that reflex.?

However, the reflex is based on your blink-and-you-might-miss-it fast mental assessment of their threat to your health or social status. If you think about it for even a couple more seconds, you quickly realize most of these people are no threat to you. They’re not trying to shake your hand after sneezing. They’re not asking to join you for dinner, or have children with you. They are just wandering past your field of view, triggering your rapid fire disgust assessment, and wandering off. You feel bad/uncharitable/uncomfortable for assessing them this way. Give yourself permission to acknowledge the feeling and appropriately let it go as quickly as it arose. This will allow you to be more positive and kind to the mass of humanity around you.

Here’s the thing…you can judge others, but it will cost you. How ever much you judge other people, you will judge yourself twice as much. The result is your insecurities will grow and your confidence will plummet. You are not confident. Actually your judgment, showcases that you are insecure. An authentically confident person, sees the potential in people. A confident person will boost other people’s confidence, not strip it from them. You may say nothing, but that’s exactly what you are doing in your mind. You put people down, so you feel better about who you are yourself.

Authentic confidence, doesn’t put anyone down, ever. If you truly want to solve this issue, then learn the skill of empathy. It will help you understand others, instead of putting them down. It will result in you understanding yourself. Once you have done that, you will have what it takes to accept and embrace others, and the result will be that you accept and embrace yourself, as is. Empathy is a technical skill, anyone can learn. And it’s has a very profound and powerful effect, of good. Cheers!