Looking Backwards to Move Forwards – Reflections on “How to Win Friends and Influence People (1961)”

I love to read and learn, so one of the joys of the summer break is to catch up on the books I haven’t had a chance to read, and also to buy more books – so visits to second hand bookshops come a close second to reading as my preferred summer activity.

While visiting my family in Whanganui I found a delightful second-hand bookshop called Book Hunters which allowed me to add five new books to my collection (I highly recommend a visit if you are in the area). One of my purchases was a 1961 edition of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Although there was also a more modern revised version available, I am glad I picked the 1961 edition for a number of reasons.

First, for the subtle differences in language which create the impression of an era that was more civilised and genteel, and for the descriptions in the book which demonstrate a different way of life including mentioning famous people I had not heard of (e.g., I had to look up who Lawrence Tibbett was). Even the somewhat male-centric and sexist language was something I could appreciate in terms of reminding me of the advances we have made as a society towards equality since 1961.

However, the most striking thing for me about this book has been the depth of knowledge and understanding of how to develop effective interpersonal relationships that existed over 60 years ago. For example, advice includes giving honest praise and appreciation, encouraging and supporting others to do their best, appreciating different points of view and experience, and always allowing people to save face when they are wrong. These are concepts that I assumed were more recent, featuring in current guides on leadership and management, so it was enlightening to know that these ideas have been around longer than I assumed. It is also bitterly disappointing to know that these concepts are still practiced irregularly in many businesses (and related fora) today despite having been around for longer than most people in business have been alive.

Take, as an example, LinkedIn which is described as a “business and employment-focused social media platform.” How often do we see discussions that involve genuine interest in another person’s point of view, even if it differs differently from one’s own? When someone announces a success, amongst the congratulations how often do we also see “yes, but…” comments or outright criticisms or attacks? How often, rather than finding out areas of agreement do people emphasise points of difference, stereotype others and getting downright personal? How often do people apologise when they say something wrong, rather than double down to protect their ego?

There is a whakataukī (Māori proverb), “titiro whakamuri, kōkiri whakamua” which means “look backwards to move forwards”. I have always interpreted this whakataukī to be about individual reflection but perhaps it is one users of LinkedIn could consider collectively? Rather than stereotyping others, being purposely provocative, quick to offend, and/or engaging in a range of other behaviours that create discord, could we not collectively focus on being more curious about people’s views who differ from our own, and assuming (at least initially) that what people write is posted with good intent? And recognising that most views are not black and white but somewhere on a broad spectrum of grey?

I think it would certainly make LinkedIn a far better and more productive community to be part of.