Looking Back in Order to Move Forward

As a professional counselor working with individuals, couples, and families across a range of complicated issues, I cannot stress enough the value and importance of ‘looking back’ to one’s family-of-origin experiences for a greater understanding of one’s current circumstances.

?Granted, there are many folks who readily recognize their early life experiences as influential in their adult lives—in highly positive ways. The stability of their parent’s marriage, the support they received for individual endeavors as well as, for overcoming adversity as a child and teenager, the examples of resiliency that were modeled by their parents, and the open expression of love and affection received growing up are strong factors in an individual’s ability to navigate healthy relationships and achieve career success as an adult.

?However, the converse is also true. The instability of their parent’s marriage, a lack of interest or support for childhood pursuits, the lack of a role model for overcoming adversity, and emotional indifference from parents are detrimental to one’s ability to develop healthy coping and relationship skills in adulthood.? There are other undeniable influences from one’s family-of-origin such as divorce, parental alcoholism or drug abuse, financial stressors, neglect, and physical, emotional, or verbal abuse that are highly detrimental to one’s self-esteem and ability to function as a healthy adult.

?Interestingly, there are many people who simply do not recognize—or worse—dismiss the impact of their adverse childhood experiences on their ability to achieve success and happiness in their adult lives. In initial sessions with my clients, I like to identify goals and set expectations about what our work together will include. I often receive some ‘push back’ whenever I mention the likely need to review and process the client’s family-of-origin experiences. Honestly, this resistance is the first clue to me that there are likely some experiences that DO need to be addressed!

?I get it. Going back to painful childhood memories and experiences is difficult and something that many people just want to leave there—in the past. However, the ability to recognize and acknowledge how those experiences have shaped who we are and how we function today is fundamental to the value of the counseling experience. A professional counselor can provide the necessary support for this exploration, and help the client to reframe those experiences. The empowerment achieved from finally gaining some objectivity, letting go of past hurts, and possibly forgiving one’s parents for not being “better,” can result in lasting emotional growth. The understanding that there was a lot they had no control over, and a lot that they wish would have been different or better offers the client the opportunity to not only forgive others, but also to forgive themselves. Relieved of the guilt and the need to blame themselves, the client is then able to exercise the freedom to move forward with a better understanding of their current challenges, and a sense of confidence in the changes they can make for their future.