Looking after your messy self

A couple of years ago I had a fight with my Granny over a vegetarian lasagne.

It’s a memory that sticks with me for its retrospective comedic value…but also because it represents a moment of clarity for me. I needed to stop. To take care. To just let my Granny serve the damn lasagne.

To be clear, this is not a moment I’m proud of, but it’s one I no longer feel shame about. I had a lot going on that year. I was full of grief, anger and overwhelm. The best outcome of ‘lasagne-gate’ (as my family helpfully now refer to it) was that I signed up for counselling. There is accountability and that is crucial: acknowledging the impact of your emotions and behaviour on others, and then there’s recovery.

I attended an incredible course last week, run by the brilliant Human Givens team. It was about Self-Compassion. This is something that has come up with a couple of clients and, thanks to some insightful questioning from some of my Barefoot tutors, I’ve realized it’s A Bit Of A Thing for myself, too.

We explored the idea that, in stressful or threatening situations, we experience an Amygdala Hijack. Here’s a video that explains this (it also has the benefit of featuring the John Prescott punch). TLDR version? The brain floods with hormones that help Fight or Flight, disabling our ability to think rationally or hear others’ perspectives.

I talk a lot about Messy Humans, because that describes us all. No matter how much we work on ourselves, life will still overwhelm us at times, our families will still trigger us, our brains will still play through the many embarrassing moments of our lives while we lie awake at night.

The messiness is what makes us beautiful and complex and maddening, it’s what makes life.

What if, the next time you do or say something while feeling stressed or threatened, you take care of yourself afterwards, instead of beating yourself up?

And here’s the real break-through: what if, in stressful situations, we’ve done the work in advance, so we’re able to navigate a calmer path, with less regrets and more compassion?

Helpfully, Human Givens make a series of meditations focused on Self Compassion available for free – try one out. Feel like this is self-indulgent or selfish? It turns out that people who practice self-compassion are more likely to:

·?????? Demonstrate higher levels of emotional intelligence

·?????? Be forgiving and compassionate toward others

·?????? Be strong and resilient when faced with hardship

·?????? Be conscientious and take personal responsibility

Imagine what the world would be like if we all took care of ourselves and each other more?

I will continue to work on myself. I will always be a Messy Human, but this Messy Human still deserves to be nourished and cared for.

Want to work on your messiness? Talk to me about Coaching (not Counselling, they’re different and I’m not qualified in the latter). You can find out more about what it's like to be Coached by me here.

What am I dancing to?

Billie Eillish’s new album, Hit Me Hard And Soft. I’m obsessed.