Look Who's Talking

Recent news has been getting me angry. I don't like to sit in anger - I like to use it to motivate me to change whatever it is that's bothering me.

I'm disheartened to see so many social movements in recent years fall short of the change they promised. While I find them important and crucial to any movement, the sharing of our stories about the inequity and toxic work environments women and people of color regularly face does not seem to generating much societal change. Frustratingly, even with new data pouring out daily about the benefits of diversity and representation, it still feels like not enough people are listening.

Social activism is exhausting. It requires constant vigilance, and for me, a healthy dose of anger. Since I can't function at my best in a state of constant vigilance and anger, I'm writing this as a way to support my community and exert whatever influence, as little as it may be, through my tiny portion of the world.

Part of the reason why I created the #MenOfQuality series was to highlight the men in this world who are already creating equity. It is imperative that men in power see other men in power behave with inclusivity to drive real change. We all learn from example and so we must challenge those in power to lead by example.

But power, in this context, does not mean leadership.

Power, in this context, is the social power attributed to all men for being born male.

I'm talking about the power to instigate or diffuse an uncomfortable or untoward situation involving a woman, womxn, or member of the LGBTQ community, with bravado, entitlement and certainty. It's the kind of power women wish they had and simultaneously wish was not required to exist in this world, still overwhelmingly hell bent on the archaic idea that women are lesser than men.

It's an ignorant and uninformed ideology, aligning the value of people, skills and potential to perceived gender adjacency. Everything in our society exists around the idea that we should be caste by our gender, as well as our skin color. In this patriarchal hierarchy, the more male and / or white-adjacent something or someone is, the more value ascribed, the power bestowed. The reverse is true for females and femininity. Just look at our perceptions around the roles of Partner and Paralegal or how we view Doctors and Nurses, if you don't believe me.

This is the part where I freely, and without judgement, encourage anyone reading this who doesn't understand what I'm talking about to google "systemic / systematic inequity" or "systems of inequity / inequality."

No, I do not think that just because someone was born male - or white and male - that they believe this ideology.

However, if someone is born male, the chances of them being taught to internalize this ancient canon without even realizing it are almost certain. Patriarchy is inescapable and insidious; the only hope is that along the way, male children will have parents, teachers, mentors or friends who show them how to untangle the racist and sexist lies they have been taught about the other people inhabiting this planet.

Even if you don't abide racism, sexism or any other -ism, you must still interact with -isms every day. For women and people of color, it's impossible to grow up without an understanding of inequity. For white men, it is all-too-common for them to grow up oblivious to their own entitlement.

This is the part where I remind the reader that while white women can and do grow up oblivious to their own entitlements too, they cannot escape patriarchy, and the focus of this piece is gender inequity.

Scott Woods put it brilliantly earlier last month in a piece entitled, For Men Who Feel Threatened By 'Barbie':

If you're a man who is threatened by the Barbie movie—if you feel diminished or emasculated or compelled to set a doll on fire—here’s a tip: Step outside. Walk out the door of the theater into the world that men have created. In no time at all, you will be flooded with the self-gratifying machinations of a civilization that affirms and warms you, regardless of any other factor about your being besides your gender. Nearly every space, bit of media, and social interaction will pat you on the back and remind you that everything is okay, it’s just a movie. You’re still on top, buddy.

SPOILER ALERT. What I find most poignant about this quote is that it's exactly what happens in the movie - when Ken gets to the real world, he's fascinated and overjoyed that it's been built for Kens. From the moment she arrives, Barbie is shocked and confused by how she's treated, then left feeling completely deflated. Much like how women in the real world feel every single time we're dismissed as a matter of course, overlooked, underrepresented, and placated with backhanded compliments.

What do we want? Teamwork!

Men, we need you to help be the change. Not just for us, but for yourselves too. Sexism hurts everyone by keeping us all in absurd little boxes, wrapped ever-so-tightly in bows of stereotypes. And while it won't be easy, it doesn't have to start with sweeping change too difficult or divisive to implement. Start with little steps - start with 1 small thing you can do every day until it no longer feels uncomfortable, then level up by adding 1 more small thing you can do every day, or every week.

None of the womxn I know expect every man we know to be perfect embodiments of allyship. What I am asking of you is to consider your own role in change that is desperately needed for our growth as an industry and a society. Actively take part in this change - if for no other reason, do it because it will benefit you in the long run.

For any man looking to make your world more equitable, here is one thing you can do to start.

Look who's talking. The next time you are in a meeting and you realize you have spoken over a woman or you see that a female colleague is being spoken over by a male colleague - say something. If you are in a position of leadership, manage the flow of conversation so that everyone gets a chance to participate.

It'll look something like this:

?? "Pardon me, Corrine, I think I spoke over you. What were you going to say?"

?? "Thanks for that input, Brian. I'd like to hear from Shanice - I'd like to hear what she has to add."

I want to stress again that this isn't about perfection. Think of it an experiment. This is about getting curious, being self and socially aware, and learning how to grow. It's about flexing the muscle until it becomes muscle memory.

It will be uncomfortable...until it isn't. And it will be worth it.

Kalina Leopold is a hype woman, legal tech enthusiast, and a big fan of karaoke. She loves to travel, meet new people, and ask questions she doesn't know the answers to. Follow Kalina for more articles on #legaltech, #healthandwellness, #leadership, #dei, and more.