Longing for lightning

Writing is a fickle bitch.

I wrote my first song when I was 11 years old. Having learned just a few chords, I wrote a lullaby. That's all I remember about it. Back in those days we didn't carry little computers in our pockets, so I never recorded it in any fashion. Probably for the best. I don't remember it at all,? but I remember the feeling of doing it. It just happened. It came out of me. I probably thought, "Hey! this songwriting stuff is easy." That may be why I wrote so many mediocre songs in my early years.

Some of my favorite writing moments are when the lightning strikes. There's an idea, and it just flows out of you. That seemed to happen to me more when I was younger. Maybe I just had more space for stuff to come through. Maybe I wasn't as worried about the final product. Maybe I hadn't yet turned songwriting into an existential crisis, where the next song had to be the greatest thing I ever wrote. Yeah, I did that...

I moved to Nashville in 2001. I'd been on a roll writing a bunch of songs both by myself and with friends. I'd released my first solo album the year before. I was excited to be in a place where the songwriter is king. After awhile though, I couldn't seem to finish a song anymore. Other than the occasional co-write, I would start things and never finish them. I got really stuck. By my last year there, I wasn't even co-writing very much. I was also heading for a divorce, which you would think would give me plenty of material!

In the process of some dramatic life change, I saw a counselor for a bit. He was awesome. He asked me one day about writing and if I was writing any songs, etc. It's through that conversation that I saw that I had myself so screwed up around writing, that I couldn't do it anymore. It's as if, subconsciously, my very life depended on the next song. If it sucked then I would die, or at least everyone would find out that I suck. Which would be a lot like dying. So every time I started to write anything, I would immediately start editing, judging, scrutinizing, and otherwise interrupting the flow of creativity to the point where I'd be stuck and have to stop. Truly annoying.

It's a bad habit that I still have to work through sometimes today. I think I also just long for the lightning. Thing is, the lightning can't strike me if I'm not out in the rain. If I can't stand in the? uncomfortable rain and wind of creativity, nothing will happen. If I just stay warm and dry and comfy, it'll be fine but I won't write any songs. (or anything else for that matter)

Last week a sat down more than once to write something for all of you, and couldn't think of a thing. Hence my description of Words being a weekly(ish) newsletter thing. Sometimes I'm just not plugged in and it's ok. Just like anything else I'm working at being consistent at, when I miss I start again. I'm good with it.

Years ago I was at a concert of a wonderful songwriter, Cheryl Wheeler. She said something so funny, and so true, about songs (and maybe any writing) that it's always stuck with me. It was something like, "Sometimes God sends them down on a velvet pillow, and sometimes he flicks them out of his nose at you." I guess I'll take either one, as long as they keep coming!

p.s. I post more on my substack. Check it out HERE.