Longing for Lightness

"Walk with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. Keep company with me, and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Lightness is not a word that describes me. My top Strengths Finder attribute, even in semi-retirement, is Achiever (which explains all those photos of my homemade jam I keep posting?on Instagram!) My Enneagram is a 3/2 - yes, a competitive helper! In college, I was voted Biggest Wally (as in Wally Clever), not a compliment. My career has been about setting goals, working hard, and taking responsibility. These traits have served me well.

And yet, in recent years, I find myself longing for lightness.

Every January, I do a personal offsite to reflect on the past year and seek God's desires for me in the year ahead. This mainly involves blocking my calendar, lighting a good-smelling candle, and curling up in my favorite chair with snacks, a Bible, a journal, colored pencils, and an open heart. Many thanks to Jo Saxton and her Hello/Goodbye exercise for giving me an excellent framework for reflection.??

I had several themes emerge this year.

• Recognition that my calling in this season still feels vague, which makes me uncomfortable and makes spiritual growth and connection even more essential
• Affirmation that I love one-on-one mentoring and coaching
• Acknowledgment that I crave regular rhythms with my family and friends (my Sat night board game nights and regular hikes with friends are among my greatest joys) and that my favorite moments are the small, ordinary ones
• The desire for an even deeper, more profound connection with my wonderful husband of almost 30 years
• The joy that being creative brings to my life and my growing comfort with focusing on the process instead of the outcome

Each year, I ask God for an image I can use as a North Star for the year ahead. In 2023, it was a branch with slender new tendrils of growth, signifying my new phase and the excitement and tender fragility of what was ahead. The image this year was a hot air balloon floating over beautiful countryside. I have always been determined to work hard, achieve the best results, do the big things. I felt God calling me to say goodbye to the need for extensive, essential plans and opportunities, goodbye to the need for so much external validation, and goodbye to expectations of what his plan for me looks like. And as I drop those weights, I can say hello to being attuned to and awed by life's ordinary treasures, hello to the ministry of just being present with others, and hello to more lightness and laughter.

I recognize that to have lightness, I must give up some of the control and trust that God has me. It is not an easy task for an achiever, but one that is worthwhile and promises me more joy.

Part of lightness is also allowing myself to create art without judgment. If you had asked me two years ago what my hobbies were, I'd look at you blankly and say work is my hobby. I worried that I would never have interests outside of work. But recently, God has helped me overcome the voice of my 7th-grade art teacher, who told me I had zero artistic talent (or at least that's what I internalized her to say) and enjoy creating just for the fun of the journey without so much focus on the result.??

So here is the mosaic of my intentions for 2024. The quote is from St. Therese of Lisieux, a Carmelite nun who died in 1897 at 24. Her autobiography Story of a Soul has captivated generations with its themes of abandonment to God's merciful love.??

I pray that this will be a year where, even if I encounter storms and bad weather, I can float more lightly with the confidence of God's abundant grace and love.

I am curious if you have a word or image for 2024.