Longing and Belonging: An Invitation

This Friday Food for Thought is going to be a little different. I want to weave together some thoughts combining my love of music, literature, and artistic endeavors.?It took me a long time to appreciate the creative and artistry of teaching and I have come to celebrate my own sense of creativity and passion in so many aspects of my life, from my professor life, to my writing, to my hobbies, and even my relationships.?This Friday Food for Thought will be filled even more so than usual with links to songs that have inspired and moved me, along with poetry and literary quotes.?I hope you find and/or experience some personal insights from this week’s ramblings.

“I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude. And I would not have the tears that sadness makes to flow from my every part turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.”

― Kahlil Gibran, A Tear and a Smile

Everyone has a story.?Our stories are marked by both the ordinary and the extraordinary, the mundane and the once-in-a-life-time moments.?We all have our “life markers” – those moments or events that deeply shape us and provide us opportunities to grow more into our truest, most authentic self.?I will share several of my moments and hopefully they will weave together to form some sense of coherence.?

“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”

―?Kurt Vonnegut,?Mother Night

Like most everyone, my childhood was shaped by long days of playing outside, of sports, friends, family, school, oh, and bullying and personal trauma and the unexpected death of my dad when I was 12.?It took a long time to sort through these highs and lows, and all the while I had a sense of wanting to belong but somehow not quite fitting in, and not finding my “tribe”.?I learned to smile, to please others, and to fit in.?I became the person I thought others expected me to be.?All in all, I was happier than I was unhappy.?I realized you can be happy but unfilled simultaneously.?I learned you can wear masks while hiding one’s authentic self.?As my kids became young adults, they began to challenge me, to clarify my beliefs, my actions, and ask really deep questions, ones that I was actually reluctant to ask myself. I found myself waking up in my mid 40’s, desiring to take my life off of cruise control, and instead choosing to live with intention and my own sense of purpose.?It is at this point that I want to weave into this story a song by the band, First Aid Kit.?I saw this sister duo in 2012 at a music festival with my youngest son, Jake – this trip was another of those life markers). I was struck (uncomfortably so) by the following song and particularly this verse:

“And once you asked me well what's my biggest fear?

?That things would always remain so unclear

That one day I'd wake up all alone

With a big family and emptiness deep in my bones

That I would be so blinded, turn a deaf ear

And that my fake laugh would suddenly sound sincere”

-??????King of the World by First Aid Kit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OimOEKemCzE

If we conform ourselves long enough to other’s expectations, we will eventually lose who we are and are meant to be and become someone else, a less than authentic version of ourselves, one who can appear sincere but less so deep inside.

I began to challenge my assumptions, to make difficult decisions, to face inner demons, and to live more authentically, moment by moment.?It has been the most difficult and rewarding of journeys, both professionally and personally.?

Another musical influence was the work of Tim Bergling, known to the world as Avicii.?I got to see him at the same music festival, Lollaplooza, in Chicago, in the fall of 2012.?I immediately fell in love with his music. Later, when I saw his music video to the song, Wake Me Up,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrbM1l_BoI

I was moved in my core and recognized the power of finding one’s tribe, of finding a place where one belongs, where one is accepted, supported, nurtured, and held space for.?I am speaking of both in our professional lives in the organizations we work in as well as our relationships. Based upon the 2.2 billion views of the video, I know that I am not alone in seeking this sense of belonging.?I believe we can find this sense of belonging even within ourselves, without any need for external validation.?It is true, we can always just up and leave our current jobs, if it not a good fit for you, but the real challenge is we must find a sense of belonging where we are. We can choose how to authentically interact and choose how we show up each day, wherever we find ourselves.?At the same time, I think it is essential to choose not to settle.?There are those times that we have to leave the safety of a job or a relationship, and risk change and risk living more fully and more authentically.?

It can be easy to choose paths others set before us, to settle, to give up our dreams and live with some degree of resignation.?Never settle.?I was choosing to be more purposeful and intentional in the consulting engagements I choose, and how I structured and constructed my university courses.?I was attempting to live a more integrated life, where my work and relationships were not compartmentalized or kept in different value boxes.?I strengthened healthy relationships and walked away from unhealthy ones, both personally and professionally.?During this process, I was finding myself seeking more meaningful and genuine relationships.?I was dating but finding a shallowness to it and finding it a challenge to find someone who was interested in self-development, who was seeking real connection, who had a sense of passion and a joy for the wonderful messiness of life.?About this same period of life, I had discovered a great nonprofit group called, Re-Member, which was partnering with the Oglala Sioux people of the Pine Ridge Reservation, and my time volunteering on the reservation was (and continues to be) transformational.?During one of my many trips there, someone shared the poem, The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.?In that moment, I immediately saw what I was seeking, I saw how I was wanting to show up, and I recognized the depth of what I desired in my life.?

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I took a bold step and changed my Match profile to consist of this poem.?I received some interesting messages, most questioning what the heck it even meant, and a few who thought this resonated with them but were not willing to actually live with this level of boldness and authenticity.?Then, on September 24, 2017, a beautiful yogi messaged me on Match and said “I just read your profile and you are either the coolest guy ever or full of shit, which is it?” I replied back, “I’m pretty sure it’s both.”?A beautiful love story was born!?

As part of this new relationship, I moved to northwest Arkansas, and eventually joined the faculty here, at the University of Arkansas in 2019.?The move has been tremendously fulfilling both personally and professionally.?I have found more of my tribe.?And through these changes and adventures, the journey continues, of living each day, each moment, into our truth, seeking, and longing, for a genuine sense of belonging.

"[...]the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle, you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

―?Jack Kerouac,?On the Road

"One day you'll leave this world behind,

So live a life you will remember"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtF6Jej8yb4

I encourage you to write your own story, to send out your own invitation, to choose to find where you belong, and to never settle, personally or professionally. Have a great weekend!