The Long Walk to Belonging: How an Apartment turned into a Home

Recently someone liked an article I wrote over two years ago on Facebook. Revisiting it now, I realise how relevant it is to my current work in the relationship space. My experiences have shaped my passion for making a meaningful impact in helping singles find 'The One'.

Original post: https://www.facebook.com/goravbhootra/posts/5255731031188112

Post my separation, I moved to a different city in my car with "my" belongings. Since I work remotely and have the luxury of being wherever I want to be as long as there is decent internet connectivity, duration of my stay in the city was unknown at that point. Hence, I was looking for a place without long term contract. Fortunately I found a building with nice cozy furnished apartments in a good location. The only challenge was I was looking for an apartment on lower floors since there was no elevator in the building but the available option was on the fourth floor. I was glad to have found an apartment which met my requirements with a very understanding owner, so I moved in.

The apartment had everything I needed - power backup and AC as additional bonus other than the furniture. Data connectivity over mobile connection was good. I was comfortable. Things were painful initially since I missed being with my kids horribly, it felt lonely beyond words without family inspite being in a comfortable apartment. Then there were mundane inconveniences like the tiring long flight of stairs, I moved my working desk inside the bedroom but there was no power connection from UPS there which was critical given the frequent power cuts and stuff. Slowly, I started coming to terms with the situation that life had thrown me in. I started making the place my own. While it took me some time but I got the UPS connectivity at my working desk, my boss forced me to take fixed internet connection (I was hesitant due to unknown duration of stay) but thank him for that, got online deliveries to work for me to reduce the number of times I had to go up and down the stairs. I started socializing with new people without agenda or purpose (not my forte, believe me) to get fresh perspective on life and obviously to get spurts of relief from my loneliness.

Over next couple of weeks, I developed a sense of belonging. The length of the flight of stairs stopped bothering me frankly. The whole place was setup to my convenience. During this time, the apartment on first floor got vacated and the owner gave me the option of moving to the first floor. I visited the place but it felt abandoned and I had the same feeling that I had when I had first occupied "my" apartment. To my surprise, I passed the offer. This happened a while ago but this morning a thought just struck me as to why I did that. It was because "my" apartment was no longer just an apartment, it had become my home.

This thought was quickly succeeded by a more important one. This is exactly what happens in a marriage. Initially you have your own ideas, expectations, fantasies, reservations, even inhibitions may be and then there are unknowns in the mix - compatibility with the spouse, family members, environment, expectation management and the whole lot. Its deep down for some people and more evident for the rest, nevertheless its there for the mortal lot. Couple who have been in intimate relation or live-in before marriage, this may unfold in a different way but sometimes, it hits them harder because they don't anticipate things to change and are not prepared for it like arranged marriage scenario.

Then (ideally) comes the time where you accept the relationship and start belonging to the marriage. There are adjustments, changes, discussions, compromises, frustrations, negotiations and what not but the fortunate ones who survive it, find a lifetime companion to annoy and pamper, to laugh and share the pain, stand together through the rain and sunshine.

At this point in my life, I am convinced that most of the partners who are still together, would have at some point in their relationship, hit the peak where the thought of separation would have cropped up but by the time you are so used to your partner, it goes to the extent of becoming your habit. You hit a point where as what I heard from Chariji (my spiritual guide) makes perfect sense - marriage is not a relationship, it is, period.

At such a point, other more convenient or better floors cease to matter, the thought of not having a home shakes you, you may fight with your partner endlessly, seek validation and acknowledgement every passing day, bit of gratitude and respect at times wouldn't hurt but come what may, your heart always wants to go back to your partner, where you feel at home!

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(This post coming from me might seem ironic since I have already graduated to divorce but it is purely based on what I have lived and what experiences life has bestowed upon me!)

Since I started interacting with people, the number of people considering separation and divorce these days is scary! If at all you are sailing in the boat, make bloody well sure you have solid enough reason to do it, you continue to remain reasonable with your partner and if possible, have them as your friend for rest of your life.

If you are in the fraternity where you don't have a choice, and have to go through it anyway, come join the party with me! Lets make better use of rest of our lives.

(The photo with this article was captured during the same trip)