Long-Term Effects of Parental Loss and Bereavement

Parents have an irreplaceable role in their children’s lives. Although some children might spend most of their time in child care, they tend to idolize their parents, as they remain the most influential adults in their lives . What makes this relationship very special is the fact that the child sees their parents as not interchangeable with any other persons. A child might not care about trivial things such as cutting their hair or what doll to buy at a toy store, but they care a lot about who is their comfort zone, who shares special moments with them in their life, and who is holding them when they feel bad and uncomfortable. Needless to say, the relationship that one establishes with their own family heavily affects them throughout their lifetime, and many studies have shown that parental involvement can have great benefits for the child, impacting them on many levels, including health and development, academic progress, and eventual life choices.

The child-parent relationship, however, changes considerably over one’s life span. In the early years of life, parents are there for their children to nurture, support, and guide them and their development. As one moves from childhood to adolescence and, eventually, adulthood, the nature of this relationship is bound to change: it is transformed from a dependent relationship between a parent and a child to one that is more or less built on equal ground, with mutual support given from both parties. Nevertheless, parents still retain a pretty close relationship with their children, and they remain involved in their lives through the support and advice that they give, which the majority of young people tends to appreciate. Moreover, and contrary to common beliefs, the presence of the parents in their children’s lives is still very much valued by the children themselves.

Considering the incredibly important role of parents in their children’s lives as being their support system, their mentors and guides, and their providers, what are the consequences of losing a parent at a young age? How does the child deal with this loss, and how does it affect their present and future lives?

The loss of a parent has to be the closest thing to a universal emotional experience that humanity has. However, the trauma of the event tends to affect the rest of the people’s lives. Even under idea circumstances, many studies have shown that losing a parent changes an adult both psychologically and biologically. Under more trying circumstances, those changes can become pathological. People who have experienced the death of a parent often speak of feelings of shock, anger, sadness, numbness, and denial. These feelings remain with the children and can persist in varying degrees even long after the loss of the parent. Different stages of grief follow the loss, and people may experience them differently, in no particular order. Some even speak of a “fog” that seems to blur their vision and thought, a fog that does not lift for many months, and this sustained grief has various cognitive, social, cultural, and even spiritual effects on the person.

Children aged 3 or younger’s sense of self highly depends on the presence of others, and their sense of security and safety is dependent on whether or not there is someone taking care of them. They need concrete persons to love them and maintain their sense of wellbeing. They need to feel well cared for in the moment. They cannot reflect on their own behavior beyond the moment, and they cannot differentiate between their different feelings. Moreover, pre-school children cannot understand that death is not a voluntary act. Thus, they have a hard time understanding that the parents’ absence has nothing to do with them. Over time, however, they start to recognize that their parent is not coming back, and they focus more on the need to be cared for and not left alone.

At the age of 4, however, children begin to have more patience and recognize their own behaviors and perceptions. Yet, they are still unaware that they can control these impulses. At this age, they are much clearer about who died and the sense of loss in their lives, in addition to their dead parent’s role in their lives, as in what they did for and with them. At this age, too, children are aware that death is usually accompanied by sadness, and they start to distinguish between inner and outer feelings. In addition, they begin to ask questions about what had happened with their parent and caused their death. They still focus on others to take care of them, to frame their world, and to provide feedback about who they are.

What do children need exactly, though? Kids need to hear the word ‘dead’ and be told gently that their parent is not coming back even if it is completely understandable why they would like that to happen. The child realizes that it was not the parent’s choice, and reassurance is highly needed. The surviving parent needs to focus on hugs, respect their child's wish not to be left alone, their child's need to know when they are gone, and how they can be found if they leave for a bit. In later adult years, people who have lost their parent(s) might experience more severe mental and physical health issues. Grief counselors have noticed that long-term grief takes its toll on the individual’s marriage. In fact, they suggest a somewhat Freudian link between losing a parent and cheating on a spouse. “I see many affairs as manifestations of unresolved grief about losing a parent. The adult child stays in a state of disbelief, and rejects reality in many ways in order to feed the delusion that the parent is still alive. The grieving child needs a new attachment figure, that’s the psyche trying to reconcile the denial and grief. So rather than say, ‘my mother died,’ the grieving child can say, ‘while mommy’s away, I will play with someone other than my spouse,’” says Elisabeth Goldberg, American grief counselor.

Studies have shown that the loss of a parent can cause increased risks for long-term emotional and mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and substance abuse . The American Psychological Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMMD) considers it healthy for adults to experience a series of contradictory emotions in the year following the parental loss. These emotions might include sadness, anger, rage, anxiety, numbness, emptiness, guilt, remorse, and regret. Moreover, it is completely normal that one refuses to see their friends and not go out with them. This can get worse if the person does not receive enough support during this period of grief. It is also especially true for young people who, once they have lost their parents, need stable and consistent surrogate parenting. In fact, about one in 20 children aged 15 and younger have suffered the loss of one or both parents, which has eventually led to them developing mental health issues. Another factor that might highly influence the development of mental health issues is how close the person was to the deceased and how much their loss has changed the person’s life.

This is not to say, however, that people who were not too close to their parent do not experience any grief once they are deceased; their loss might very well still be felt on a deep level. Data of the long-term effects of the loss of a parent on the children show that grief of a family member can impact both physical and mental health, with men being more likely to report physical health issues. Data also show that the person’s gender can influence how impacted they are by parental death: men who lose their father experience grief more intensely than women, whereas women are more deeply impacted with the loss of their mother than men.

In case the death of the parent was expected due to a chronic, incurable disease, the children will have a much better time coping with their loss; however, if the death happens suddenly, adult children may remain in the denial and anger phases of the loss for extended periods of time, which might lead to them being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder or even Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Studies have implicated the posterior cingulate cortex, frontal cortex, and cerebellum brain regions in grief processing. These regions are involved in retrieving memories and dwelling on the past — but, in a cruel twist of neuroanatomy, they’re also involved in regulating sleep and appetite. Physiological changes in the person’s life might include headaches, stomach aches, dizziness, too much/little sleep, overeating, or lack of appetite.

Parents have a paramount role in their children’s lives. They are their child’s number one fans, their support system, and they provide them with affection and care that they cannot receive from anywhere else. What starts as a relationship of dependence during the childhood turns into a relationship of equal support and mutual understanding between the children and the parents. Contrary to common beliefs, most children value the presence of their parents in their lives, and they appreciate their parents’ support and guide throughout their lives. However, the death of one of the parents (or, sometimes, both) can have greatly devastating effects on the child’s psychological and physical health, either during childhood or even during adulthood.

As a universal experience, the loss of a loved-one might constitute one of the biggest traumas in the person’s life. A child who has lost his/her parent might experience denial at first, and this is usually coupled with a feeling of grief and frustration. Although they cannot fully comprehend death yet, children are aware of the absence of their parents, and their need for a parent figure and affection must be satisfied. As they grow older, they begin to grasp their reality and accept the fact that their parent is not coming back. At this stage, they begin to distinguish between their feelings and understand what is happening around them better. As adults, long-term grieving affects them psychologically and physically, and illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and immunity diseases can highly occur. Moreover, more severe familial problems can take place as well within their personal lives, as grief might even affect one’s marriage and personal life.

To understand how children react to the death of a parent, it is important to take several factors into consideration. When looking at grief in children’s lives, the most common aspect we usually look at is how well they understand their parent’s death. As they grow older and reach adolescence, they begin to understand that death is universal – as in, everyone will die. Other aspects to take into consideration as well is the child’s way of experiencing the loss, which is greatly related to how they experienced their parent and their relationship with them, and for the role they played in their lives.

References

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Noveck, J., & Tompson, T. (2007). The Vital Parent-Child Relationship. Parental Rights. Retrieved online on December 2, 2018, from https://parentalrights.org/why_kids_need_parents/

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Vitelli, R. (2018). When a child loses a parent. Psychology Today. Retrieved online on December, 2, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/media-spotlight/201802/when-child-loses-parent